Probably not the time to be updating. Sitting at a picnic table surrounded by five empty camp chairs, an empty fire pit a few misc. camping things strewed around. It's beautiful. Kids running around, and the sound of people doing misc. things. Basketballs, talking, axes chopping wood. I am in camping country. For years my parents have been coming to this campground camping. The first time we were here (this campsite exactly) I was16 years old and facing a major heartbreak at the time, while also being infatuated with a girl from baseball. Such a strange character I was. And totally unknowing of what my future would bring.
My shorts are wet from pool. My body has been cooled down, thankfully to a temperature that I can stand. I'm shirtless (thank God!) and enjoying my time. I'm in a weird space these days. Trying to desperately to figure out what I want out of life. I think a lot of my questioning has to do with my 27th birthday on the horizon. I'm facing my last month of mid twenties, and heading into late twenties. (closer to 30, than to 20) I'm not sure the reasons for my earlier "breakdowns" when I would go into survival mode, move to Guelph and leave behind everything "Stratford." What I do know, is that yes, I have been in this place before, but more importantly as an adult, and a mature, responsible one at that (okay, mostly mature and responsible, maybe not ALL the way) I need to be making some Good solid and lasting decisions. I need to make some choices that will sustain me for a while.
School v.s. work
surgery v.s. no surgery
factory work v.s. customer service/retail work
money v.s. life satisfaction
financial stability v.s. instability -the prices of both
I'm at a point in my life that I need to start making some GOOD sound decisions. I can start doing that. I'm lucky enough to have the support that I need in order to follow through on most things. I worry about being able to afford school, and I wonder how that will look, but ultimately, I know that there aren't any WRONG decisions, just better ones...
I'm taking a deep breath, and I'm trying to learn from the past, and move forward to a healthy future. So far, the only thing I haven't done, is take a run at the school thing... I think that's the direction that I need to go, but I need to realistically figure out how I can get there, while still being able to afford the accommodations/ travel for my lower surgery, if that's something that I end up doing.
**the only reason that's a question, and not a statement is because OHIP isn't being clear on what they will cover, and at this point only parts of the surgery are covered, and right now more is NOT covered, than is, which means, that I won't be able to afford to follow through until the end result. Which makes it a question in my mind, if I want to start a process that could in effect leave me partially completed, and completely mutilated.**
Questions, questions... and not enough answers...
Today's mission (while in Niagara falls, nursing my poor body and head... *it's been a rough week for migraines and the new meds*): to find a Tilley hat, and take pictures of the Falls, maybe purchase a towel. I need to remember that I'm not working right now, so money is limited... chill out on the spending.
that is all.
~Agenor
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