I don't know how to articulate, most of the time, these days.
The feelings of hopelessness and despair have changed.
I know I'm in the thick of it, and that's why sometimes it seems gloomy, and doomy.
I know I'll get through it, mostly because I always do.
This doesn't seem as bad as I anticipated.
but with the constant nattering, it's hard to keep your head up.
Healthy choices aren't the easiest ones.
Noone sees that I am trying.
baby steps.
i had one meal today,
she makes me feel bad about my body.
this whole process was about feeling good about my body, and now she's picking me apart. Found something else to talk about.
Also: not cool for your mom to make fun of how big your penis is. No matter when/if that will change down the road.
Teasing me, should be off limits right now. I am allowed. It is MY BODY. MY PENIS. MY STOMACH. MINE. I know where the line is, and it's okay if I walk it. Someone else walking the very personal lines: that's not okay.
Hiding in my room for another day.
Waiting for work to save me.
Back on afternoons with the crew. Looking forward to that! :) Afternoons with Jeanie. Line 8. I like Line 8. We'll see how long I like it after I've worked on it for a couple days STRAIGHT through.
looking for routine, and stability. Not finding ANY stability at "home"
Not feeling much like a home outside of my room.
~Agenor
Friday, December 16, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Agenor gets the brunt:
I'm contemplating taking a vicodin to lift my mood. I know that's bad.
I want to talk about that. About the fact that I was given 30 pills and still have 25 left, and I took 3, the first day, when I was in copious amounts of pain. I am not a drug abuser. It's increasingly difficult to sit here, beside my dresser which houses my meds, in this state of mind and not just try one, to see if it changes things.
My junk: is not healing (underneath) as well as I would have hoped. I should be documenting and taking photos for the nurse, and Meltzer, as well as my records. To Remember this time, when it hurt to jerk off, because... well because it was tender down there.
I'm scared. I'm increasingly nervous about my release. I won't have the option to make the jokes about it being attached to my leg, and in a strange way I've found a lot of comfort in that. I'm about to have a penis, that will look a lot like a Chinese food egg roll (on steroids). It's not going to look like dick, and it's not going to have much function. It's going to be very heavy (again on steroids) and it's going to be hard to control. I'm going to have my expanders placed, and I'm worried about that. I'm also worried that something will come up with the healing issue, and I won't be able to have my expanders placed. Monday morning (oooh that's tomorrow) I'll call Lindsay.
It IS a unique situation. I find this lower surgery thing to be daunting. It is. First of all you've got the people who know you, but not as well as your best friend. The people that go on about how courageous you are, and how brave. And how much courage it would take to do what I'm doing, and that's fine, and with regards to lower surgery, thank you for acknowledging that this is a HUGE (pun) step. With regards to Transition: fuck off. I mean, thank you, but at the same time, take a step back. If you were born in the opposite sex to what you are, how would you react? I'm not talking about "for a day" or anything like that I'm talking about being trapped in a body that is someone else's. HOW would you feel? It's life and death. and for some of us, it doesn't happen that extremely, but for some it does. I made a choice, I made THE choice to live. There is nothing extraordinary about that. More people should stand up for themselves I think. More people should do what they need to do to live the life that is truest to them. For fuck sakes, we're all a bunch of fucking pussies.
There's that.
and then there IS the whole thing on lower surgery. I've been reading blogs, and forums, and I'm Kinda disgusted by the way that people talk about my genitals as if they're disgusting. Just because I made a choice that wasn't right for you doesn't give you the right to tell me that what I have is inferior. I have lots of GENERAL opinions about this, but they're not fair of me to make. One thing that I was really worried about, was the way that I saw/see my brothers. And I'm happy to report that I don't feel any superior to any of the men who have walked with me on this journey. I was worried about that. I hope that our relationships haven't changed from their point of view.
Have I changed? Yes. My life hasn't really changed but I have. I have a little more confidence, a lot more fear (about what comes, and the depression that I've been promised, as well as the finances, and being able to move on with my life) I feel like I've accomplished so little with my life. I'm almost 30 (i know, i know i've got a few more years) but I am on my way to 30, and I'm still standing at the same place I was when I left highschool) I'm about to do something that I don't do very often (at least I hope I don't) but i kinda just had a shitty day, and feel like playing : the pity card
I shouldn't have had to work so hard, spend so much time, energy and money on becoming a boy, when there are so many (50% of the population) born Male. It's so frustrating to me, how it's taken for granted, when I've been struggling my whole life, and I won't experience my first boner until I'm 29 *at the earliest*) blah blah blah. Yes, I know it's a little whiny, but right now I'm feeling frusterated.
I want to move out of my parents' house. I'm ready. 27 and a half (almost) years old, I'm working at a decent job, that I don't want to do for forever, and I'm making decent money (for now.) I want to move out. I want to move away, actually. but that's something that I really shouldn't do until I'm finished surgery. I'm considering taking a year. Actually. What I'm doing is more than considering. I'm making plans: to take a year to get my finances in order. That means LEGIT order. Like paying OFF my credit card, and other outstanding bills. and working hard at cleaning up my line of credit and other debts. It's going to be difficult with Arizona and surgeries but I think I can make it happen. I may not be debt free by 2013 but I'm going to damn well try. **truck withstanding**
Why do I want to move out of my parents' house: aside from the normal 27 year old on his own thing. I want that experience. to live on my own, and enjoy it - to be a bachelor. I want to wake up to MY dishes in the sink, and MY garbage on the counter. Not someone elses. I don't want to have to tip toe around the house when I'm awake. Whether that's 2pm or 2am, I want that freedom. I want to talk to people on my terms, and I don't have that luxury here. I'm angry right now, still about Christmas and the way things went down with my mom. Her lack of apology is making me downright crazy. The fact that she doesn't see anything wrong with the way that she handled herself, or the comments she made makes me insane. I just want to fuck off for Arizona on the 21st (or now) and not come back until the New Year. The comment: "Don't expect us to wait for your to have our Christmas", and the steady back peddle fail: "We will have our Christmas on the 25th,and we will have a second one when you get back." What makes this worse is it's always followed closely behind with "I want to have all my kids together for Christmas" as she guilts brother and his wife into coming to (insert event here). I'm going crazy.
I'm not feeling Christmas this year. My pockets are empty, Arizona and surgery have taken a lot of out of them. (including the flight that I'm paying 700 for, instead of 300 -so that I can be home, and not "miss" Christmas dinner) with that being taken into account, I wish that Christmas would just go fuck itself this year. I'd rather not celebrate. I'm happy to have a dinner with my family, but the presents part is way too overrated. I'm tired of the fake-ness, and it's exhausting to fake happiness every year. I don't need a big expensive gift to know that you (do or don't) love me. I'd like a little support and appreciation throughout the year.
Your trip to Arizona was about my surgery, not about how much sight seeing you could get done. But I appreciate the thought behind it.
Anger and disappointment fill me.
And those are my thoughts on this evening, as I sit, left raw with emotion spilling out...
Pondering the stupidity of the next move that I may (or may not) make with a girl who lives 3500km away, who may (or may not) be interested in me, who may (or may not) already have a partner.
This is rediculous. I'm starting to get angry at myself. Because I'm talking myself out of, talking myself out of asking her out (yes double negative) and I'm wondering what the point is. 3500km, she's not as interested as I am (or her maturity -she's got to be a little older than I am- is playing a huge role in the way she's conducting herself around me).
Tomorrow, will be better.
~Agenor
I want to talk about that. About the fact that I was given 30 pills and still have 25 left, and I took 3, the first day, when I was in copious amounts of pain. I am not a drug abuser. It's increasingly difficult to sit here, beside my dresser which houses my meds, in this state of mind and not just try one, to see if it changes things.
My junk: is not healing (underneath) as well as I would have hoped. I should be documenting and taking photos for the nurse, and Meltzer, as well as my records. To Remember this time, when it hurt to jerk off, because... well because it was tender down there.
I'm scared. I'm increasingly nervous about my release. I won't have the option to make the jokes about it being attached to my leg, and in a strange way I've found a lot of comfort in that. I'm about to have a penis, that will look a lot like a Chinese food egg roll (on steroids). It's not going to look like dick, and it's not going to have much function. It's going to be very heavy (again on steroids) and it's going to be hard to control. I'm going to have my expanders placed, and I'm worried about that. I'm also worried that something will come up with the healing issue, and I won't be able to have my expanders placed. Monday morning (oooh that's tomorrow) I'll call Lindsay.
It IS a unique situation. I find this lower surgery thing to be daunting. It is. First of all you've got the people who know you, but not as well as your best friend. The people that go on about how courageous you are, and how brave. And how much courage it would take to do what I'm doing, and that's fine, and with regards to lower surgery, thank you for acknowledging that this is a HUGE (pun) step. With regards to Transition: fuck off. I mean, thank you, but at the same time, take a step back. If you were born in the opposite sex to what you are, how would you react? I'm not talking about "for a day" or anything like that I'm talking about being trapped in a body that is someone else's. HOW would you feel? It's life and death. and for some of us, it doesn't happen that extremely, but for some it does. I made a choice, I made THE choice to live. There is nothing extraordinary about that. More people should stand up for themselves I think. More people should do what they need to do to live the life that is truest to them. For fuck sakes, we're all a bunch of fucking pussies.
There's that.
and then there IS the whole thing on lower surgery. I've been reading blogs, and forums, and I'm Kinda disgusted by the way that people talk about my genitals as if they're disgusting. Just because I made a choice that wasn't right for you doesn't give you the right to tell me that what I have is inferior. I have lots of GENERAL opinions about this, but they're not fair of me to make. One thing that I was really worried about, was the way that I saw/see my brothers. And I'm happy to report that I don't feel any superior to any of the men who have walked with me on this journey. I was worried about that. I hope that our relationships haven't changed from their point of view.
Have I changed? Yes. My life hasn't really changed but I have. I have a little more confidence, a lot more fear (about what comes, and the depression that I've been promised, as well as the finances, and being able to move on with my life) I feel like I've accomplished so little with my life. I'm almost 30 (i know, i know i've got a few more years) but I am on my way to 30, and I'm still standing at the same place I was when I left highschool) I'm about to do something that I don't do very often (at least I hope I don't) but i kinda just had a shitty day, and feel like playing : the pity card
I shouldn't have had to work so hard, spend so much time, energy and money on becoming a boy, when there are so many (50% of the population) born Male. It's so frustrating to me, how it's taken for granted, when I've been struggling my whole life, and I won't experience my first boner until I'm 29 *at the earliest*) blah blah blah. Yes, I know it's a little whiny, but right now I'm feeling frusterated.
I want to move out of my parents' house. I'm ready. 27 and a half (almost) years old, I'm working at a decent job, that I don't want to do for forever, and I'm making decent money (for now.) I want to move out. I want to move away, actually. but that's something that I really shouldn't do until I'm finished surgery. I'm considering taking a year. Actually. What I'm doing is more than considering. I'm making plans: to take a year to get my finances in order. That means LEGIT order. Like paying OFF my credit card, and other outstanding bills. and working hard at cleaning up my line of credit and other debts. It's going to be difficult with Arizona and surgeries but I think I can make it happen. I may not be debt free by 2013 but I'm going to damn well try. **truck withstanding**
Why do I want to move out of my parents' house: aside from the normal 27 year old on his own thing. I want that experience. to live on my own, and enjoy it - to be a bachelor. I want to wake up to MY dishes in the sink, and MY garbage on the counter. Not someone elses. I don't want to have to tip toe around the house when I'm awake. Whether that's 2pm or 2am, I want that freedom. I want to talk to people on my terms, and I don't have that luxury here. I'm angry right now, still about Christmas and the way things went down with my mom. Her lack of apology is making me downright crazy. The fact that she doesn't see anything wrong with the way that she handled herself, or the comments she made makes me insane. I just want to fuck off for Arizona on the 21st (or now) and not come back until the New Year. The comment: "Don't expect us to wait for your to have our Christmas", and the steady back peddle fail: "We will have our Christmas on the 25th,and we will have a second one when you get back." What makes this worse is it's always followed closely behind with "I want to have all my kids together for Christmas" as she guilts brother and his wife into coming to (insert event here). I'm going crazy.
I'm not feeling Christmas this year. My pockets are empty, Arizona and surgery have taken a lot of out of them. (including the flight that I'm paying 700 for, instead of 300 -so that I can be home, and not "miss" Christmas dinner) with that being taken into account, I wish that Christmas would just go fuck itself this year. I'd rather not celebrate. I'm happy to have a dinner with my family, but the presents part is way too overrated. I'm tired of the fake-ness, and it's exhausting to fake happiness every year. I don't need a big expensive gift to know that you (do or don't) love me. I'd like a little support and appreciation throughout the year.
Your trip to Arizona was about my surgery, not about how much sight seeing you could get done. But I appreciate the thought behind it.
Anger and disappointment fill me.
And those are my thoughts on this evening, as I sit, left raw with emotion spilling out...
Pondering the stupidity of the next move that I may (or may not) make with a girl who lives 3500km away, who may (or may not) be interested in me, who may (or may not) already have a partner.
This is rediculous. I'm starting to get angry at myself. Because I'm talking myself out of, talking myself out of asking her out (yes double negative) and I'm wondering what the point is. 3500km, she's not as interested as I am (or her maturity -she's got to be a little older than I am- is playing a huge role in the way she's conducting herself around me).
Tomorrow, will be better.
~Agenor
Thursday, December 1, 2011
and the tide goes... on and on and on and on...
I feel like I'm back to square one. Wasting my therapy sessions on other people's problems. I pay $70/an hour to talk about how other people's choices affect me. Lame.
What Did I do wrong? Well I know I did something wrong. I know that much. I didn't communicate. Did I do the best I could with what I had? yes, I think I did. Always room for improvement.
I'm exhausted, and I feel a headache coming on. I wish that I would have spent more time talking about surgery, and the effects. I think I should have waited until I sifted through the Princess Drama on my own.
Timelines, and changes.
Work, and surgeries.
Life is still happening. The reality is, as difficult as it was to get out of bed the first few times after surgery... that wasn't the hard part. I think the hard part is just around the corner. When I come home from Arizona and I'm doing weekly expansions and going to work at the same time. That's gonna be the hard part. That's going to require some stamina. That's where my E-Days will come in handy. There's got to be a way around that stuff -maybe I can book some holidays.
It's time to start planning for the next stages. But what I'm already feeling (and I'm only one month post op) is that the next stage is all too close... I'm already at the finish line in my head... and I'm not okay with that. Ironic considering the flap is still attached to my groin.
Why is it going so fast? What can I do to slow it down? (without stopping the process)? -because even though I'm stressing out that it's happening too fast, I'm also stressing out, that my penis is not what it will look like. Though I am starting to develop an attachment to JR, I'd like him to be a little skinnier, and maybe a little more defined. (his head)
Now that I've had the second delay, I'm realizing that I definitely need to have a reduction. There is definitely too much girth, the length I'm not too sure about, but I will likely go with Meltzer's recommendations. He seems to have an eye for what looks natural. Now more than ever, I just want something that looks natural: all joking aside for a moment.
I don't know what will change. IF anything. Will I gain more confidence? What will sex be like? Will I become more dysphoric, now that I have to search for any sensation?
It's exhausting me, just thinking about all these questions, and knowing that there aren't any answers for me just yet. All of the questions need to be answered in their due time... and I can't rush any of them.
Wow. Life sure has a way of moving on, doesn't it?
~Agenor
What Did I do wrong? Well I know I did something wrong. I know that much. I didn't communicate. Did I do the best I could with what I had? yes, I think I did. Always room for improvement.
I'm exhausted, and I feel a headache coming on. I wish that I would have spent more time talking about surgery, and the effects. I think I should have waited until I sifted through the Princess Drama on my own.
Timelines, and changes.
Work, and surgeries.
Life is still happening. The reality is, as difficult as it was to get out of bed the first few times after surgery... that wasn't the hard part. I think the hard part is just around the corner. When I come home from Arizona and I'm doing weekly expansions and going to work at the same time. That's gonna be the hard part. That's going to require some stamina. That's where my E-Days will come in handy. There's got to be a way around that stuff -maybe I can book some holidays.
It's time to start planning for the next stages. But what I'm already feeling (and I'm only one month post op) is that the next stage is all too close... I'm already at the finish line in my head... and I'm not okay with that. Ironic considering the flap is still attached to my groin.
Why is it going so fast? What can I do to slow it down? (without stopping the process)? -because even though I'm stressing out that it's happening too fast, I'm also stressing out, that my penis is not what it will look like. Though I am starting to develop an attachment to JR, I'd like him to be a little skinnier, and maybe a little more defined. (his head)
Now that I've had the second delay, I'm realizing that I definitely need to have a reduction. There is definitely too much girth, the length I'm not too sure about, but I will likely go with Meltzer's recommendations. He seems to have an eye for what looks natural. Now more than ever, I just want something that looks natural: all joking aside for a moment.
I don't know what will change. IF anything. Will I gain more confidence? What will sex be like? Will I become more dysphoric, now that I have to search for any sensation?
It's exhausting me, just thinking about all these questions, and knowing that there aren't any answers for me just yet. All of the questions need to be answered in their due time... and I can't rush any of them.
Wow. Life sure has a way of moving on, doesn't it?
~Agenor
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