Time.

Time. It never ceases to amaze me. That in this exact spot that I am sitting, something has happened before, thousands of years ago. Maybe it was a dinosaur, maybe a buncha cowboys, certainly there was farmland... and now, I'm here in my room. Underground.
I was sitting at the river, a familiar place from my teenage years. It's where we'd go park, to talk, about all of the troubles in our little worlds. I was there tonight, and wether it was magical, the way the lights hit the snow banks that reminded me of being 18 and so fed up with the strife of it all... or it was simply just something that I needed to feel at that moment, I was taken back.
Almost breathless. As I think about where I am today, v.s. where I was those years ago. Thinking about all of the things that I wanted, in life... and thinking about all that I have.
A lifetime has passed. I can't believe we're off doing things. Like getting married, having kids, and getting penises. I can't believe that life has taken off, and happened. That I'm going to be like my mom was when she was my age "Ohhh my god, could it be sally (insert maiden name here)?" or ... "oooh wow you have 3 kids! i can't believe it!" in so many ways it feels like I have barely graduated highschool, and in some moments I can't even remember that evening. Walking up to her, to congratulate her (as though it was some big deal, some huge accomplishement) she was my reason, and usually the centre of most of my late night river thoughts.
Tonight, I sat there thinking with my friend who wants to leave this town... Thinking about what life will be like when he too, moves on. What life is like already, how lonely it can be, and yet, how comforting it is, to be able to sit and have a moment where Time takes you backwards. Where you can SEE yourself running down the old street you grew up on. I could see myself walking to the store with Mel, proud as a peacock holding her hand... and thinking how that was a fair trade... I bought her lunch and she "let me" hold her hand...
I could see myself biking home, when they lit the reefer. I could see being younger, and being at Neil and Kathy's... 56.Maple.Ave. my second home. Safety. Gone wrong. Broken up, destroyed. and yet.
I could feel Paulyne. I could walk home from school. The day my grandma took me, when I cried, and she cried... I could feel her arms around me.
Time.
It happened.
Something happened in this space, and I can feel it. I think it's incredible.
History.
In the making?
I am blessed, to be alive 8 years later... to have made it past 23, and to be surviving through my 27th year... To be planning the things that I am planning, and to be doing the things that I am doing. So blessed. and because of that, thankful.
~AGENOR

Friday, how I've missed you!

Well I made it to the weekend... in one piece. But now that the weekend is here, I'm falling apart.
Cough, Migrane, and hiccups... wait... ... no more  hiccups, that's good! :)

I woke up and took my truck in to get an oil change.
they changed my brake light, and then charged me $20.00 for it. They did not ask me.
I will not be taking my vehicle back to SMP again. Ever. That's  twice they've taken advantage of me, the fist time was for almost $200.00. When they charged me for a tire roatation, and they didn't do it.
Bullshite. Today, they made my oil change go from 40 to 60 dollars. Again, I say bullshite.

US savings account, is making ZERO cents to me! haha!
If I transfer my 300 US into Canadian I lose 15 dollars.... If I move 300 Canadian INTO my US I gain 1 dollar. HOW does this work? what. the. fuck?!?!
can you say "i need to close this account now?"!

I'm kind of happy, because I've decided to pay off my Credit card *which I am doing an amazing job at doing* and then I'll pay off my trip *which I could be ALMOST half paid off by next week! and THEN I'll start saving.
I'm feeling good about my finances again.
I've been doing really well with spending during the week too. Andmy weekends have been limited to a dinner, and groceries.

Weight loss is crapping out, but it's been a brutal week. Two migraines this week. The pressure changes are killing me!
What else can I ramble about?
Things SEEM to be coming along for the Arizona stuff. I'm hoping to be able to go for a consult in the next couple of months. It will give me some idea of the things I need to do in preparation for surgery. I can't believe how close I could actually be! holy hell it's happening so quickly.
Somedays it's still So ABSTRACT in my mind... and others it's as real as anything!

Work is good, I'm enjoying midnights. I'm hoping to stay on midnights for a while. Time will tell. The schedule for next week will be up when I go into work tonight.
Today is FRIDAY!!!!!!

I'm looking forward to enjoying it.

~Agenor

organize that shite!

I saw Princess today, and we had this long drawn out conversation about how  making lists and organzing everything helps keep perspective, and reduces stress. I, myself am a list guy. I live for lists, and stroking things off lists, and making new lists, and lists lists lists!
*phew*

I came home from work in a slight grump. After turning down a beautiful girl for an evening of snuggles I felt guilty. What am I going to gain from turning her down? Nothing. Well... maybe it'll be motivation for me to get my ass out of bed and go to the gym in the AM. I'm actually not going to make my goal of going three times this week but if I go tomorrow, I can get my second one in!

I'm not losing weight fast enough. I know that I'm not supposed to be rushing this, and I'm not supposed to expect miracles, but it needs to be said, that I think that 1lb a week, is kinda slow. I'm not doing enough at the gym, I know that I feel the difference, and I can see the differnce so much quicker.
There's that.

Then there's money. I've found an awesome place in Arizona, where I'd like to stay for two months, while I have various procedures done. The price isn't bad, but it's still more than I have (which right now, is a grand total of 300 USD). I'm trying. I've been saving money. Spending only on the necessities, and cutting way back on the amount of money I'm spending on socializing. I'm not eating out quite as much, I did have two pitas this week. I'm spending much more on groceries, which is a positive point, it means that I'm eating healthier, and I'm spending less at fast food places...
I'm trying to get overtime. (and this week I got Saturday morning).
Next week I'm scheduled for midnights, but Dean and I are trying to get back on 4 10's. we might be able to pull it off. If we do, that will mean that I have Friday, Saturday an Sunday off. If that is the case, it would be nothing for me to pick up a part time job doing odd deliveries on Fridays and Saturdays.
Money is my heel right now.

Then of course there's the random and average stressors of life. Of not being able to get to the gym, of listening to my mom bitch about how eating that one chocolate bar (when I don't eat many treats at all!) is going to cause me to stay fat forever and how I'm "only doing it to myself." The discussions about travel, and procedures that end in arguments, because she has her head so far up her ass she cannot see that I have enough time to plan properly.
The fear that one thing won't work out, and I'll lose my mind.

What will happen, if OHIP covers me, but I'm unable to get everything else together? What if I can get the coin to travel, but work won't pay for my time off?  WHY must she put these thoughts in  my head?

It took me a couple weeks, but with the help of a friend through BBM last night, I was able to complete my timline. I have a general idea of how much time I will need off and when, which means that I can go to HR and find out exactly what paperwork I need to submit, and how I can go about getting paid while I am off.
There is no reason why they won't pay me. I will have supporting documents to show that this is medically necessary, and if they cover for folks off for knee replacements, it doesn't make a lot of sense, in my head, why they wouldn't cover the time off for this.
But anyway.

SoME of the stresses in my life...
which combined with the fact that my shot was yesterday, and I'm a little off... makes me a very selfish person.

I'm trying to learn to be more selfish, but I'm not real big on the interfering with other people's lives while doing that...

so if I've offended you, or rubbed you the wrong way, in the process of trying to get my poop in a group, I'm sorry!

and for that special lady, who offered me the sweetest of gifts that I denied tonight, I'm sorry... and if it helps at all... as I type this... I'm wishing more than anything, that you were here with me...

~Agenor