Quick Weekend Update

I'm trying to organize my thoughts. I had all weekend to myself, pretty much, and it was delicious. I'm a little sad that it's over already, but at the same time, I'm a little lethargic and needing some routine!

I'm in contact with a couple guys who are going through the same things I am, and doing the same kind of research, which is awesome. I'm looking forward to connecting, and maybe even doing some of the travelling with them. Maybe that's a lot to hope for, I'm not sure.

I'm not as dilligent at going to the gym as I was two weeks ago, I feel that much. I'm hoping to go maybe tonight after work.
I committed to three times this week, for my weight watchers plan.
I'm enjoying the plan, it's going pretty good, and I'm having the things I still like to eat, just in different ways, proportions, and at different times.
I'm trying really hard to NOT eat heavy before bed. Fruit is providing me the satisfaction of not going to bed with a hungry belley.

I think that's about it for now, I'm going to get on these errands (some of which have been on my list for quite some time)

~Agenor

Random Updates, and ramblings

Rushed is a common theme. I'm sleeping more on afternoons, and doing less, which IS doing a number on my self esteem. Perhaps next week I'll be on midnights again? Maybe? *a guy can hope*

I signed up for weekend overtime. I'll know when I go in today, if I got it. I know that I could use the money, I really need to focus on paying down my bills. That line of credit is a real killer right now, and if I'm going to be able to afford to pay the travel parts of surgery, then I'm really going to have to pay that off.
Sometimes, these times are the best times to witness growth. When all at once, i have a lot of goals to accomplish. I've been trying to get better with money my whole life, maybe this is the time I will do it. I've also been pissing and moaning about weightloss for a while too. Instead Ive seen my weight climb, over time. Not cool.
i've had a rough week, with no real physical activity, and I'm not too sure how to fix that. The only thing I can think, is by forcing myself up really early on the weekend, maybe, and resetting my clock. That's what I like least about afternoons, is that my clock gradually goes back down to lazy hours. I woke up at 11. That's when my body told me it was time to get up. 11am. I went to sleep at 2. That's 9 hours sleep... who REALLY needs 9 hours? I function best on 7-8.

 I'm going to keep plugging away, and looking for new ideas, and hope that for now, eating better will help me drop some of the lbs... It's going to be a difficult journey.
I've got lots of support.
Time to kick it up a notch.

~Agenor

Jimmy Wayne -Stay Gone lyrics

I've found peace of mind, i'm feeling good again
I'm on the other side, back among the living
Ain't a cloud in the sky
All my tears have been cried
And i can finally say

[Chorus:]
Baby baby stay
Stay right where you are
I like it this way
It's good for my heart
I haven't felt like this
In God knows how long
I know everything's gonna be okay
If you just stay gone

I still love you and i will forever
We can't hide the truth
We know each other better
When we try to make it work
We both end up hurt
It ain't supposed to be that way

[Chorus:]
Baby baby stay
Stay right where you are
I like it this way
It's good for my heart
I haven't felt like this
In God knows how long
I know everything's gonna be okay
If you just stay gone

When we try to make it work
We both end up hurt
Love ain't supposed to be that way

[Chorus:]
So baby baby stay
Stay right where you are
I like it this way
It's good for my heart
I haven't felt like this
In ooh in God knows how long
I know everything's gonna be okay
If you just stay gone

I know everything's gonna be okay
If you just stay gone

Akward Conversations...

 I find it hard to remember, sometimes, that there ARE awkward conversations that I like to have. They don't feel awkward for me, until I'm talking about something, and I picture it... and all of a sudden, I realize that I'm talking to someone, about my PENIS!

I live these moments. These are the thoughts that float in my head, day after day, moment to moment.This is MY LIFE. My truth!

Research is going well. I have come to some conclusions: 1. everything I know is wrong. 2. i will never know EVERYTHING there is to know about either surgery, or surgeon. 3. I can't be as lazy about this, as I am about thigs, usually.

I wonder  how much weight, I really need to lose, maybe Arizona will be happy with me being down to 195. I know I'll be happy with me, being down to 195.

This morning: I don't want to go to the gym. I want to stay in bed, and dream, and watch tv, and relax, and have some free time to myself. I had an amazing weekend, but it was busy! :)

Lyrics catch me off guard, and before I know it I'm sitting in the balcony, in tears reminiscing of a time... and it's gone.

One day I will write a letter, explaining why she's a heartless bitch in my world, and why I can't have her in my life at all. One day. By the time I am ready to write that letter, there will be no need, because that will be just another hour of my life, devoted to someone who clearly doesn't deserve it.

I have  good memories, but they hurt me more than the betrayal. So I hold onto the less painful, and move on into a direction of faithfulness.

Lyrics catch me off guard, and before I know it... I'm smiling. Thinking of all the times yet to come.

the book: will begin.
overtime: will begin, when there is some.
stability is slowly creeping up on me.
balance is on the horizon.
Therapy is tomorrow. I will pay her again, to be my friend. this is so bad for the self esteem... ;)

~Agenor

Home Sweet Home.

Yes, it has taken me ALMOST a full week to come down from the "high" of coming home from my trip to Mexico. It wasn't what I expected, and I think that for the sake of public blogging I will leave it at that.

I'm going to talk a little about the postives happening in my life right now. I'm reconnecting with some old friends, and trying to balance my life a little better. (This includes a concert this weekend, followed by a date night with the girl, followed by perhaps a date morning with the girl -if she'll have me) I had breakfast with Sheller this morning, and enjoyed it throughouly. Catching up was fun. I feel so distant sometimes, but it was good none the less, I just wish I could pull myself into the present.

I had my appointment with CAMH, and I'm 6 months from approval. It's so mindblowing. I'm having a really hard time wrapping my head around it. I'm looking forward to connecting with my therapist again shortly.

I am starting weight Watchers again. I have started the plan, but haven't officially joined yet. I'm ready to do this. Weight loss really is like quitting smoking, you do need to be READY to do it. I think I am! With surgery less than a year away, I realize I have a lot of work to do, and a lot of weight to lose. I know that I can do it, and it's incredible to already be seeing results. My arms are already  gaining definition, and I have lost 5lbs. I'm feeling VERY good about that.

Something happened in Mexico with the girl. I can't put my finger on it, but something happened, for the better. I'm feeling 100% more relaxed, and really enjoying the moment. That was something that for whatever reason, I wasn't able to do before. Anyway, I'm able to, and I'm enjoying things the way they are... and not so stressed about "what happens next." -which is a rarity for me, so I'm going with it.

annnd i think that's about all i've got for now, I'll update more later when i'm not so sleepy, and when the gym isn't only a few hours away.

~Agenor

last one before the sun hits my back...

I'm packed and ready to go. I'm excited, and nervous. I'm anxiously awaiting getting on the road. *i'm about to crash for a couple hours before I get a massage*

I'm packed and ready to fly across the waters, to a place where the sun, and the sand will greet me, as though I am a long lost friend. I'm ready to immerse myself in a culture that is not my own, and to create a mini "home away from home" in the room that I will share with my best friend.
I'm ready to celebrate my life. 6 years of life.
I'm ready to let go of my worries, and cares, into the lake, and I'm ready to let the waves wash away the feelings, and the hurt of the past year...

the pull of the tide and the crash of the waves... and the beautiful view of the edge of the world from the pier... that's what i'm looking for... sunsets, and buffet dinners, laughs, and inside jokes.

i packed up my stuff, my suitcase is stuffed, my backpack is next to empty, and i have a duffle bag packed, so that'll be where ican put my dirty laudry, on the way home. :p
I'm so excited.

I'm kind of pissed off at all of the negativity that people dish out.
I paid my money, my flight is booked, fucked if you or anyone else thinks I'm going to cancel my trip, because of a shark attack, because of a mugging, or because someone got in the middle of something. Sure it COULD happen, but lets be fucking realistic folks, it COULD happen in Toronto, OR it could even happen in my hometown! (it's not likely, but it's possible!)

I had a great, hard, long, loving week. I'm missing the Boss quite a bit right now. Missing the way things were, before...
I've got a massage set up for 11:15, and then i'll come home, and shower, and get ready for this adventure.
so for now i'll sign off, and get sme sleep.. a couple hours outta do it!

Until I return, a sunburnt penguin...

~Agenor