Alone in my space... alone in my head...

I don't know how to articulate, most of the time, these days.
The feelings of hopelessness and despair have changed.
I know I'm in the thick of it, and that's why sometimes it seems gloomy, and doomy.
I know I'll get through it, mostly because I always do.
This doesn't seem as bad as I anticipated.
but with the constant nattering, it's hard to keep your head up.
Healthy choices aren't the easiest ones.
Noone sees that I am trying.
baby steps.
i had one meal today,
she makes me feel bad about my body.
this whole process was about feeling good about my body, and now she's picking me apart. Found something else to talk about.
Also: not cool for your mom to make fun of how big your penis is. No matter when/if that will change down the road.
Teasing me, should be off limits right now. I am allowed. It is MY BODY. MY PENIS. MY STOMACH. MINE. I know where the line is, and it's okay if I walk it. Someone else walking the very personal lines: that's not okay.

Hiding in my room for another day.
Waiting for work to save me.
Back on afternoons with the crew. Looking forward to that! :) Afternoons with Jeanie. Line 8. I like Line 8. We'll see how long I like it after I've worked on it for a couple days STRAIGHT through.

looking for routine, and stability. Not finding ANY stability at "home"
Not feeling much like a home outside of my room.

~Agenor

Agenor gets the brunt:

I'm contemplating taking a vicodin to lift my mood. I know that's bad.
I want to talk about that. About the fact that I was given 30 pills and still have 25 left, and I took 3, the first day, when I was in copious amounts of pain. I am not a drug abuser. It's increasingly difficult to sit here, beside my dresser which houses my meds, in this state of mind and not just try one, to see if it changes things.
My junk: is not healing (underneath) as well as I would have hoped. I should be documenting and taking photos for the nurse, and Meltzer, as well as my records. To Remember this time, when it hurt to jerk off, because... well because it was tender down there.
I'm scared. I'm increasingly nervous about my release. I won't have the option to make the jokes about it being attached to my leg, and in a strange way I've found a lot of comfort in that. I'm about to have a penis, that will look a lot like a Chinese food egg roll (on steroids). It's not going to look like dick, and it's not going to have much function. It's going to be very heavy (again on steroids) and it's going to be hard to control. I'm going to have my expanders placed, and I'm worried about that. I'm also worried that something will come up with the healing issue, and I won't be able to have my expanders placed. Monday  morning (oooh that's tomorrow) I'll call Lindsay.

It IS a unique situation. I find this lower surgery thing to be daunting. It is. First of all you've got the people who know you, but not as well as your best friend. The people that go on about how courageous you are, and how brave. And how much courage it would take to do what I'm doing, and that's fine, and with regards to lower surgery, thank you for acknowledging that this is a HUGE (pun) step. With regards to Transition: fuck off. I mean, thank you, but at the same time, take a step back. If you were born in the opposite sex to what you are, how would you react? I'm not talking about "for a day" or anything like that I'm talking about being trapped in a body that is someone else's. HOW would you feel? It's life and death. and for some of us, it doesn't happen that extremely, but for some it does. I made a choice, I made THE choice to live. There is nothing extraordinary about that. More people should stand up for themselves I think. More people should do what they need to do to live the life that is truest to them. For fuck sakes, we're all a bunch of fucking pussies.

There's that.
and then there IS the whole thing on lower surgery. I've been reading blogs, and forums, and I'm Kinda disgusted by the way that people talk about my genitals as if they're disgusting. Just because I made a choice that wasn't right for you doesn't give you the right to tell me that what I have is inferior. I have lots of GENERAL opinions about this, but they're not fair of me to make. One thing that I was really worried about, was the way that I saw/see my brothers. And I'm happy to report that I don't feel any superior to any of the men who have walked with me on this journey. I was worried about that. I hope that our relationships haven't changed from their point of view.

Have I changed? Yes. My life hasn't really changed but I have. I have a little more confidence, a lot more fear (about what comes, and the depression that I've been promised, as well as the finances, and being able to move on with my life) I feel like I've accomplished so little with my life. I'm almost 30 (i know, i know i've got a few more years) but I am on my way to 30, and I'm still standing at the same place I was when I left highschool) I'm about to do something that I don't do very often (at least I hope I don't) but i kinda just had a shitty day, and feel like playing : the pity card
I shouldn't have had to work so hard, spend so much time, energy and money on becoming a boy, when there are so many (50% of the population) born Male. It's so frustrating to me, how it's taken for granted, when I've been struggling  my whole life, and I won't experience my first boner until I'm 29 *at the earliest*) blah blah blah. Yes, I know it's a little whiny, but right now I'm feeling frusterated.

I want to move out of my parents' house. I'm ready. 27 and a half (almost) years old, I'm working at a decent job, that I don't want to do for forever, and I'm making decent money (for now.) I want to move out. I want to move away, actually. but that's something that I really shouldn't do until I'm finished surgery. I'm considering taking a year. Actually. What I'm doing is more than considering. I'm making plans: to take a year to get my finances in order. That means LEGIT order. Like paying OFF my credit card, and other outstanding bills. and working hard at cleaning up my line of credit and other debts. It's going to be difficult with Arizona and surgeries but I think I can make it happen. I may  not be debt free by 2013 but I'm going to damn well try. **truck withstanding**


Why do I want to move out of my parents' house: aside from the normal 27 year old on his own thing. I want that experience. to live on my own, and enjoy it - to be a bachelor. I want to wake up to MY dishes in the sink, and MY garbage on the counter.  Not someone elses. I don't want to have to tip toe around the house when I'm awake. Whether that's 2pm or 2am, I want that freedom. I want to talk to people on my terms, and I don't have that luxury here. I'm angry right now, still about Christmas and the way things went down with my mom. Her lack of apology is making me downright crazy. The fact that she doesn't see anything wrong with the way that she handled herself, or the comments she made makes me insane. I just want to fuck off for Arizona on the 21st (or now) and not come back until the New Year. The comment: "Don't expect us to wait for your to have our Christmas", and the steady back peddle fail: "We will have our Christmas on the 25th,and we will have a second one when you get back." What makes this worse is it's always followed closely behind with "I want to have all my kids together for Christmas" as she guilts brother and his wife into coming to (insert event here). I'm going crazy.
I'm not feeling Christmas this year. My pockets are empty, Arizona and surgery have taken a lot of out of them. (including the flight that I'm paying 700 for, instead of 300 -so that I can be home, and not "miss" Christmas dinner) with that being taken into account, I wish that Christmas would just go fuck itself this year. I'd rather not celebrate. I'm happy to have a dinner with my family, but the presents part is way too overrated. I'm tired of the fake-ness, and it's exhausting to fake happiness every year. I don't need a big expensive gift to know that you (do or don't) love me. I'd like a little support and appreciation throughout the year.
Your trip to Arizona was about  my surgery, not about how much sight seeing you could get done. But I appreciate the thought behind it.

Anger and disappointment fill me.
And those are my thoughts on this evening, as I sit, left raw with emotion spilling out...
Pondering the stupidity of the next move that I may (or may not) make with a girl who lives 3500km away, who may (or may not) be interested in me, who may (or may not) already have a partner.
This is rediculous. I'm starting to get angry at myself. Because I'm talking myself out of, talking myself out of asking her out (yes double negative) and I'm wondering what the point is. 3500km, she's not as interested as I am (or her maturity -she's got to be a little older than I am- is playing a huge role in the way she's conducting herself around me).

Tomorrow, will be better.
~Agenor

and the tide goes... on and on and on and on...

I feel like I'm back to square one. Wasting my therapy sessions on other people's problems. I pay $70/an hour to talk about how other people's choices affect me. Lame.

What Did I do wrong? Well I know I did something wrong. I know that much. I didn't communicate. Did I do the best I could with what I had? yes, I think I did. Always room for improvement.
I'm exhausted, and I feel a headache coming on. I wish that I would have spent more time talking about surgery, and the effects. I think I should have waited until I sifted through the Princess Drama on my own.

Timelines, and changes.
Work, and surgeries.
Life is still happening. The reality is, as difficult as it was to get out of bed the first few times after surgery... that wasn't the hard part. I think the hard part is just around the corner. When I come home from Arizona and I'm doing weekly expansions and going to work at the same time. That's gonna be the hard part. That's going to require some stamina. That's where my E-Days will come in handy. There's got to be a way around that stuff -maybe I can book some holidays.

It's time to start planning for the next stages. But what I'm already feeling (and I'm only one month post op) is that the next stage is all too close... I'm already at the finish line in my head... and I'm not okay with that. Ironic considering the flap is still attached to my groin.

Why is it  going so fast? What can I do to slow it down? (without stopping the process)? -because even though I'm stressing out that it's happening too fast, I'm also stressing out, that my penis is not what it will look like. Though I am starting to develop an attachment to JR, I'd like him to be a little skinnier, and maybe a little more defined. (his head)

Now that I've had the second delay, I'm realizing that I definitely need to have a reduction. There is definitely too much girth, the length I'm not too sure about, but I will likely go with Meltzer's recommendations. He seems to have an eye for what looks natural. Now more than ever, I just want something that looks natural: all joking aside for a moment.

I don't know what will change. IF anything. Will I gain more confidence? What will sex be like? Will I become more dysphoric, now that I have to search for any sensation?
It's exhausting me, just thinking about all these questions, and knowing that there aren't any answers for me just yet. All of the questions need to be answered in their due time... and I can't rush any of them.

Wow. Life sure has a way of moving on, doesn't it?

~Agenor

T minus 3 days...

I am exhausted. I've spent a little (not enough) time writing in my locked blog. I know, I know, I wanted to do less censoring and more writing, but situations, and circumstances change, and there you have it.
It's early morning (2:30am) in Arizona, and I'm writing away. I'm feeling so many feelings, that I wanted to try to capture a couple.

First and foremost I can't believe how successful the surgical aspect of my surgery has been. SO far everything is going great, and tomorrow I have my second delay of three. I'll have a little more swing, things will feel a little different, and I'll have a little bit of time to get re-acquainted with my body. That being said I'm going home in 3 sleeps (when I get there). I can't believe how quickly time has gone by. I feel cheated. I really do. But I'm not sure how I'd feel had circumstances been any different. I had really great company for the first two weeks of my stay here in Arizona, my Mom, Dad and Matt for the first week, and Benny for the second. My truth is, that ever since Princess got here, my mental health has deteriorated, and I've been slipping. There has been NO support. Infact, this morning as I was cleaning the kitchen I realized, that YES, he's been doing all the dishes, but that's really the only chore he's done. I've done all the cleaning, and sweeping and it's been impossible for me to keep the condo clean. I find it hypocritical at best for him to complain so much about the state of his apartment, and the lack of help that he receives, when he's unable to assist me (while I am recovering from major surgery).

He clearly missed an important memo, and while I don't want to end our friendship, I think we will both be taking a step back and reevaluating. His behaviour has been less than acceptable. This is both disappointing AND frustrating. I spent a lot of money to come down here, and have a nice place, so that he could spend time here, and had it been me and a couple friends for a couple weeks, and I'd have been spending the majority of the time alone, the cost would have been significantly lower, very disappointed.

Aside from that I'm sad that the time is up, and I'm leaving my new home. I've spent 6 weeks here. The weather has been cooler than usual for this time of year, but still totally acceptable. I've enjoyed walking outside in my shorts, in the evening and feeling the fresh, but not brisk, air on my legs. I've enjoyed walking through the outdoor mall at Tempe Marketplace daydreaming.
I have to say that things were much more manageable for me when I was daydreaming. Things changed abruptly at the doctor's office, and I was left disappointed and slightly heartbroken, but after all I suspect that's the role of a crush. to leave you feeling a little crushed after the fact.

For the most part I'm doing really well. Everything is still in one piece. My body is healing well, my mind is staying together remarkably well considering, and while when I get home, I'll have a friendship that needs repair, that will be the last thing on my to-do list, for a little while.
I'm looking forward to being home and having some time that is simply ALL about me. I haven't had that yet.
Honestly, I feel like *almost* from day one.

I know i'm a tough guy, and i know that i'll get through it. I'm looking forward to continuing connections with new friends that I've made, and the new support systems that I've gained over here. and possibly with a new friend (but likely not... because that's what crushes do... they crush you... lol)

I can tell you that I've watched more Army Wives than I ever planned on watching, and I'm loving the show. Caught up on on my weeklys, with the exception of House, and Criminal Minds (there's something safer about watching C.M. when I'm safe and sound in Canada. Though I must say this is a place that I could see myself living at some point in my life.

For now, I'm getting sleepy, so I'm gonna sign off... but that's my story for the time being.
Up and down, happy and sad. Disappointed, slightly broke (and very bitter about my friend's money situation and the way he's been complaining about it) ... he *may* make it home. I'm not trying to get us seats side by side on the plane though. lol

~Agenor

Rambles in the Rainy Desert

It's raining again in the desert. It seems like since I've been here, it's done an awful lot of raining. It's usually at night which is nice, and it's peaceful.

I'm lonely as all sin, and looking for cures to that loneliness anywhere I can find them.
Renting a car,
spending copious amounts of money shopping, buying things I either don't need, or think I need, but could probably do without for a while, or could just simply cut back on some of the things I am buying.
I'm doing okay

I'm crashing here and there.
Today it was Emily.
and Tatianna.
But mostly Emily.

A lifetime away. Two different people, and here we are, in love and yet not. Not in a million. Never could have happened.
I'm beyond happy for her, and my stance has changed on gay marriages.
I support Gay Marriages.
I support equal marriages.
I support: MARRIAGE.

I want the rain to change the way I feel.
I want to have been writing this whole time.
I want to shout out and yell how happy I am to be in crush.
I want to push people out of the way, and be the first in line.
I want to wake up happy.

It's a crazy space, the one my heart occupies.
Loving and hurting, and chained.

Stronger than I think.
I"m tired of carrying the weight.
I'm tired of trying to make it better
and I"m exhausted by the way that my room is the safest place for me.
I miss life.

i miss buddy.
i'm ready to go home.
but i'm also so ready to have this date, if it happens.
What will come of it? 3500km away?

 A visit with my uncle, and a trip to vegas,
i wish i could be more coherant, i have so much to say.

~Agenor

One Step at a time in Arizona

I'd never admit it to my mom, but I'm getting homesick.
I've been in Arizona for a while now. ALMOST a month, and I'm missing the little things of home. I'm missing my room, (which my Dad tells me he's been working on repairing) -I hope to GOD he puts MOST of my stuff back, because going home to a mess stresses me out more than ALMOST anything- I miss my Buddy. Apparently the little guy misses me, and I couldn't agree more with that sentiment. I Miss Rolaids. That being said I haven't LOOKED for Rolaids here.

I slept on my side last night and the pain woke me up. Something I haven't experienced for a while. It's the pain on my HIP that woke me, and it's the way I was sleeping, but I woke up in a Tizzy, thinking I was losing the flap. It's a major concern. The girls at the office are often teasing me about it, because I'm so worried, but I realize it's perfectly natural: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Castration_anxiety
I remember reading that before surgery and not thinking much of it, but since surgery, I find myself checking constantly to make sure: it's not falling off, it's warm, it has good circulation... and I'm happy to report: so far everything is looking good.

The delay was a piece of cake. The crush was in the room, she was helping Meltzer, and the other Canadian was there too, Monica. She's a riot. The gave me 10mg of Valium so I wasn't feeling much in my head, but thankfully I was able to keep my mouth shut. IF I remember correctly I spent a lot of the time explaining the "Mavor/Meg Ryan Story" to the team. Talking about City of Angels, and other such MANLY movies. *sigh*

You know, I think women can appreciate that, a guy who likes chick flicks... I'm just glad that I really don't stress over it.

It's 6:50am, and I've gotta say this MAY be my favourite time of day! I don't feel like I'm competing to see who can make the most noise, there isn't a radio on, or an obnoxious youtube playlist starting up. I don't have to listen to chatter, it's so strange, but I've been spending SO MUCH time in my head, or fiddling around doing my own thing. Brushing up on my Lady A, and just trying to let things go... but I stress to the max when there's so much noise happening. I'm finding myself turning itunes on before I hop in the shower, I'm trying to drown out his noise with noise of my own, which is completely NOT my style... I don't mind the silence.
I can't multi-task, which is likely why I like the silence, my head is a very busy place, and I'm trying to sort through SOME of the noise... it's been a long road.

I think about how long the road is. The day my parents left I realized I'm a moron. I've started this process, I've fucked with my genitals, they are NOT the same as they were once upon a time. The feeling is different, when I pee, that's different too. I've got a whole lot more going on down there, and I've got MANY MANY MANY more surgeries to get though. Now, that being said, with exception of SOME Of the pain, (which the pain killers have successfully killed) I think this surgery has pretty much been a piece of cake. It's funny with EACH visit to the office I feel a little better.
Once "that" stitch was removed, I felt 100% better, and when I became uncomfortable again, or realized that the stitch wasn't my only discomfort, they took the piss bag away, and that was nice. (distractions don't hurt either) After that my piss tube came out two days later, and now: I've bid adieu to the JP drain and my phallus is starting to be released, soon enough it will be a distant memory of how it was attached to my thigh at all. And like I said, even though I have taken a couple pain killers, the pain really has been manageable.

I'm hoping to get out today. I'm hoping TJ and I are both feeling up to a bit of walking. I think I'll start with a trip to the Barber (just across the road). I really think a hairs cut will help me feel a little cleaner. From there I wouldn't mind finding a pair of track pants that I can get away with wearing out and about (all I brought were pj trackers, cause I didn't think I'd need them) -the weather has been unseasonably chilly this past week, it looks like it *might* start getting warmer, but I'm not 100% sure.

We're talking about heading to VEGAS! TJ wants to see the Grand Canyon, and Benny and I have already done that, but what I haven't done is Vegas, and the rooms (during the week) are dirt cheap! *I'm talking LESS than the Arkona... you know the hooker room* We're planning on heading up there for the 14th, 15th and coming home the 16th. Gives me a little time to get my shit together. Renting a car should cost me just under $400. That's from the 14th till the 25th (when we depart). I'm figuring that's more reasonable considering for JUST the 14th -17th they want almost $300.
I'm glad I Made the reservation when I did. NOW they want over $600.

Manulife got straightened out, I *want* to call discrimination on that bitch's ass, but what does it prove? At this point, as long as there's money in my bank account by Friday, I can't really  bitch too much, but she was rude as shit, and I AM in Arizona RECOVERING from major surgery, and they DO get my premiums, so maybe she could turn SOME of her "mega bitch" off for a moment, when she calls me. Oh well.

It's been nice to get some of this stuff out of my head, and onto the screen. This is pretty much all the writing I have done. I'm a little disappointed by that, but I suppose with as little emotion as I have had throughout this process, this is my brains way of keeping my shit together, and maybe writing more, or looking at "the book" would be far more than I can handle at this time.

Things I want to work on Immediately/Today:
-eating better (getting groceries)
-buying track pants and a pair of jeans (possibly a cowboy hat and a pair of boots... not cowboy boots tho)
-hairs cut
-a little bit of exercise, I was doing so well and losing weight, but this last week in bed, has really taken a toll on my belly.

(and that list doesn't look un-manageable.... one step at a time... just like everything else, in Arizona)

~Agenor

It's a boy...

It's a boy indeed.
While I've been a boy for a long long time, (think since as long as I've known the difference between boys and girls) it's only been a little better than a week, since I've been *almost* the kind of boy I've always wanted to be.

I wish in so many ways, with so much power that it could be easier. I wish that we, who are boys, could wake up and have what we were supposed to be born with, already there, functioning and looking like it should. It's not that easy. And maybe there's a reason for that... that reason I'm in no shape to ponder.

My progress is good.
I have a dick. Between my legs. It's hanging where it should, and it's attached to my inner groin, which while it's slightly inconvenient, is not slowing  me down too much.

Since Benny has left:
I have taken the garbage out,swept all the hard floor surfaces, and mopped the kitchen. I'm running the dishwasher right now, and actually just enjoying these few minutes of quiet on my couch.
MY COUCH. lol

in my pen and paper journal yesterday I took the time to write down the important things from all of the days up until yesterday. YESTERDAY was the Apache Trail.

....
this blog post brought to you by another distracted thought.
~Agenor