the things that are currently driving me crazy:
My Mother's attitude about:
-my migraines
-my desire to adopt "Daisy" (who could use a manlier name!)
-my work/medication situation
-my surgery date
-her vacations that apparently TRUMP my surgery date (how? I'm not sure either!)
-the way that she throws the empty box of ice cream thingers on the floor of the laundry room, which believe it or not, makes it that much more difficult to sort laundry, and reminds me of living with teenagers who don't give a shit
-her addiction to bingo and my alleged addiction to pizza? and how they are related?
Basically everything about my mother IN THIS MOMENT is driving me insane. Why I would want to be here, is beyond me... maybe Daisy and I will be together, after all... lol
~Agenor
Monday, August 29, 2011
from a perfect moment
I love this moment. I've just had a shower, I'm sitting in my home away from home, with the sun setting over the busy city before me. The light is hitting the window just right and casting some beautiful shadows throughout this room. I love this place. What I love about this place, isn't just the landscape, it's the feeling as well. As much as this place is very much M's home, he's allowed it to be so much mine as well. I always feel pride when he refers to me as his "roommate" and I love the time that I spend here.
I've been here on and off for over a month, and I have loved it so much. As the weeks pass by, I'm forced to recognize that my time off work, has GOT to be coming to an end. As much as the migraines have been off and on, and the side effects from the beta blockers have been hit or miss, it's true that I can't stay in this place forever.
I'd love to stay here, on a more permanent basis, and write my book. I mean, really focus on completing it, getting it published, and moving onto the next stage of my life. In a perfect world I'd make enough money to put myself through school. Either enough to pay my living expenses: rent/groceries, or enough to pay my tuition for the 4 years. In a perfect world. In a not so perfect world I'm going to go back to work soon, and one of two things is going to happen: I'm going to stay there long enough to get through my surgeries, and save a few dollars, OR my migraines will prevent me from maintaining my employment status with them, and I'll be forced to find another job, or take on a more permanent disability status. I'd like to stay employed long enough to get my surgery well underway, so that I know that it's going to happen, because as much as I've been off, and gaining weight at record speeds, and not really accomplishing much, other than living fairly contently, in the moment, I don't know that surgery is a possibility right now, with my finances the way they are.
A big part of my plan is to get off the anti D's. As much as I wanted to be on them to help with the post op depression that I am expecting will hit me, I'm wondering if possibly going off of them, in order to decrease the potential for migraines is a more reasonable plan of action. I've started decreasing the amount of Celexa that I'm taking. I'm on a low low dose, so I've cut it down, and I'll wean off that way, of course this is something that I'll be discussing with my doctor on Tuesday when I see him. *initiate panic sequence now*
I'm puppy sitting this coming week. Ron and Jen got a puppy, Riley. She's such a pretty puppy, and I'm so excited to spend some time with her. After the whole experience on my birthday, with the shipoo that I fell in love with, and the way my family (mother) handled herself, I've been keeping my distance, and trying to make the whole thing OKAY in my head... I really think that spending time with Riley will be good for me, it gives me the opportunity to have a puppy without having the responsibility of having a puppy. Though, naturally I did make it all right in my head, and I know all the ways that I could take care of a puppy, and that I'd be a good puppy-daddy... the timing is once again off.
Oh Timing, you frustrate me sometimes (most times).
I'm going to write about this, because I need a place to do this, and here seems as good a place as any.
Timing.
The beginning of December I started seeing a girl. We went out on a couple dates, after extensive emails, and started moving fairly quickly (in some ways) and slower than molasses in February (in other ways). I wasn't ready to get myself into a relationship, for some stupid reason, and she was ready for a real relationship and didn't like being dragged around with no real hope for a future.
While she is not THE perfect woman, she is the perfect girl FOR ME. She's a feeler, jumps in heart first, and has a way with words that both gets me excited and makes me melt. She'd do anything for anyone, and has passions in her life, that make her shall we say "Zesty"... she's the type of woman that I want beside me for the long haul, but there was something just not feeling right when we were seeing each other last time. It put too much of a burden on me, not understanding exactly how to deal with it, or understanding exactly what had caused it.
With my upcoming surgery placing such a weight on me, financially, and emotionally, and the ways that I was still holding onto the past with Tatianna, it was very difficult for me to move forward with her. I'm trying to figure out if with the way that things have changed for me over the past few months, and the ways that I'm trying to move forward with life in general, if things have changed enough for me to feel confident that I won't let her down. Time will tell, of that I am sure. I just hope that I'm strong enough, no matter what answer I find to do right by her.
I'm leaving tomorrow, heading back to Stratford. For how long I am not sure, what I do know is that I will not be going back to work next week, as the effects of the beta blockers have been kicking my ass. I am puppy sitting my baby niece. A sharpi-lab mix, named Riley. I'm so looking forward to spending the time with her.
This is "Daisy" and I on my birthday. She's the shi-poo that I fell in absolute love with. She's a bigger puppy, born the beginning of May this year, and I'm so worried that she won't find a good home, because she is a bigger puppy, and with all the tiny and seemingly "cuter" puppies... maybe they won't want her... But I want her. She's so special. My little girl... :(
~Agenor
I've been here on and off for over a month, and I have loved it so much. As the weeks pass by, I'm forced to recognize that my time off work, has GOT to be coming to an end. As much as the migraines have been off and on, and the side effects from the beta blockers have been hit or miss, it's true that I can't stay in this place forever.
I'd love to stay here, on a more permanent basis, and write my book. I mean, really focus on completing it, getting it published, and moving onto the next stage of my life. In a perfect world I'd make enough money to put myself through school. Either enough to pay my living expenses: rent/groceries, or enough to pay my tuition for the 4 years. In a perfect world. In a not so perfect world I'm going to go back to work soon, and one of two things is going to happen: I'm going to stay there long enough to get through my surgeries, and save a few dollars, OR my migraines will prevent me from maintaining my employment status with them, and I'll be forced to find another job, or take on a more permanent disability status. I'd like to stay employed long enough to get my surgery well underway, so that I know that it's going to happen, because as much as I've been off, and gaining weight at record speeds, and not really accomplishing much, other than living fairly contently, in the moment, I don't know that surgery is a possibility right now, with my finances the way they are.
A big part of my plan is to get off the anti D's. As much as I wanted to be on them to help with the post op depression that I am expecting will hit me, I'm wondering if possibly going off of them, in order to decrease the potential for migraines is a more reasonable plan of action. I've started decreasing the amount of Celexa that I'm taking. I'm on a low low dose, so I've cut it down, and I'll wean off that way, of course this is something that I'll be discussing with my doctor on Tuesday when I see him. *initiate panic sequence now*
I'm puppy sitting this coming week. Ron and Jen got a puppy, Riley. She's such a pretty puppy, and I'm so excited to spend some time with her. After the whole experience on my birthday, with the shipoo that I fell in love with, and the way my family (mother) handled herself, I've been keeping my distance, and trying to make the whole thing OKAY in my head... I really think that spending time with Riley will be good for me, it gives me the opportunity to have a puppy without having the responsibility of having a puppy. Though, naturally I did make it all right in my head, and I know all the ways that I could take care of a puppy, and that I'd be a good puppy-daddy... the timing is once again off.
Oh Timing, you frustrate me sometimes (most times).
I'm going to write about this, because I need a place to do this, and here seems as good a place as any.
Timing.
The beginning of December I started seeing a girl. We went out on a couple dates, after extensive emails, and started moving fairly quickly (in some ways) and slower than molasses in February (in other ways). I wasn't ready to get myself into a relationship, for some stupid reason, and she was ready for a real relationship and didn't like being dragged around with no real hope for a future.
While she is not THE perfect woman, she is the perfect girl FOR ME. She's a feeler, jumps in heart first, and has a way with words that both gets me excited and makes me melt. She'd do anything for anyone, and has passions in her life, that make her shall we say "Zesty"... she's the type of woman that I want beside me for the long haul, but there was something just not feeling right when we were seeing each other last time. It put too much of a burden on me, not understanding exactly how to deal with it, or understanding exactly what had caused it.
With my upcoming surgery placing such a weight on me, financially, and emotionally, and the ways that I was still holding onto the past with Tatianna, it was very difficult for me to move forward with her. I'm trying to figure out if with the way that things have changed for me over the past few months, and the ways that I'm trying to move forward with life in general, if things have changed enough for me to feel confident that I won't let her down. Time will tell, of that I am sure. I just hope that I'm strong enough, no matter what answer I find to do right by her.
I'm leaving tomorrow, heading back to Stratford. For how long I am not sure, what I do know is that I will not be going back to work next week, as the effects of the beta blockers have been kicking my ass. I am puppy sitting my baby niece. A sharpi-lab mix, named Riley. I'm so looking forward to spending the time with her.
This is "Daisy" and I on my birthday. She's the shi-poo that I fell in absolute love with. She's a bigger puppy, born the beginning of May this year, and I'm so worried that she won't find a good home, because she is a bigger puppy, and with all the tiny and seemingly "cuter" puppies... maybe they won't want her... But I want her. She's so special. My little girl... :(
Look at those Eyes!!
~Agenor
Thursday, August 25, 2011
today I bitch about migraine and the treatment... a little
I'm tired. Emotionally and physically almost exhausted. I had the most uneventful day, and for some reason I'm okay with that. I'm not pissing and moaning that I'm not getting enough done, I'm not seeing enough, I'm not doing enough. I'm just okay with this.
After not sleeping well the night before last, I slept super late today. Not getting OUT of bed until almost 2, but being awake and dicking around online for an hour or so...
I didn't feel motivated, and when I started my day that was a little sad for me, but as the day progressed I learned how to just let it be, and so I did. Watched a movie generously set up by M on his lunch, and enjoyed our brief chat over equally unhealthy lunch choices. :)
I love this home. In case I haven't mentioned it, it's hard to justify going back to Stratford when I have such an awesome home here with M. Big thanks to him, for sharing his space with me, and allowing me to feel so comfortable and welcomed here. :)
The beta blockers are kicking my ass. That's the conclusion I have come to. That the beta blockers are the majority of the reason that I am so physically exhausted right now. It's the only thing that makes sense as depression is less likely seeing as I'm on beta blockers (which combat anxiety as well as a slue of other things) and the anti depressant (which I'm not entirely convinced isn't causing my migraines) -at this point the thought has crossed my mind that I should try coming off the Anti-d in an attempt to stop the graines in their tracks. Possibility.
I'm bummed (though I wouldn't call it depression) because I do feel so worthless right now. (worthless is the wrong word, I'm in remarkably good spirits) -the problem is this: the migraines are making me too unreliable to be a good employee, but they aren't frequent enough (in my opinion) to warrant going on a longer term disability, or ODSP. I *would* have a hard time being OKAY with being on Ontario Disability for migraines, considering they aren't an EVERY day, or even every other day occurrence. The problem is, that I am unreliable. My employer is GOING to have to consider letting me go sooner or later (and at the rate that I am going, sooner is looking like the better bet).
What to do? I'm not too sure. This is where I'm at: too sick to do anything, not sick enough to be legit.
Maybe next week will be better?
~Agenor
After not sleeping well the night before last, I slept super late today. Not getting OUT of bed until almost 2, but being awake and dicking around online for an hour or so...
I didn't feel motivated, and when I started my day that was a little sad for me, but as the day progressed I learned how to just let it be, and so I did. Watched a movie generously set up by M on his lunch, and enjoyed our brief chat over equally unhealthy lunch choices. :)
I love this home. In case I haven't mentioned it, it's hard to justify going back to Stratford when I have such an awesome home here with M. Big thanks to him, for sharing his space with me, and allowing me to feel so comfortable and welcomed here. :)
The beta blockers are kicking my ass. That's the conclusion I have come to. That the beta blockers are the majority of the reason that I am so physically exhausted right now. It's the only thing that makes sense as depression is less likely seeing as I'm on beta blockers (which combat anxiety as well as a slue of other things) and the anti depressant (which I'm not entirely convinced isn't causing my migraines) -at this point the thought has crossed my mind that I should try coming off the Anti-d in an attempt to stop the graines in their tracks. Possibility.
I'm bummed (though I wouldn't call it depression) because I do feel so worthless right now. (worthless is the wrong word, I'm in remarkably good spirits) -the problem is this: the migraines are making me too unreliable to be a good employee, but they aren't frequent enough (in my opinion) to warrant going on a longer term disability, or ODSP. I *would* have a hard time being OKAY with being on Ontario Disability for migraines, considering they aren't an EVERY day, or even every other day occurrence. The problem is, that I am unreliable. My employer is GOING to have to consider letting me go sooner or later (and at the rate that I am going, sooner is looking like the better bet).
What to do? I'm not too sure. This is where I'm at: too sick to do anything, not sick enough to be legit.
Maybe next week will be better?
~Agenor
Changes:part1
So here it is. I don't know what exactly I'd like to say, and I'm not fully aware of how I'm going to say it. There's a lot. (there usually is)
One thing I've been noticing is: that I'm living more presently. I'm trying a hell of a lot harder to live in the moment, and appreciate it for what it is. I have watched the clouds pass, spent afternoons with friends, went on those coffee dates that I wouldn't normally go on, and tried to make those connections that make me feel.
The best advice I have EVER been given: don't do something unless it makes you feel. And while a whole lot of everyday life is mundane, and emotionless, it doesn't ALL have to be. Standing in Princess' kitchen today, with ice cubes in a glass pouring some Coke from a 2L bottle over top of the crackling ice cubes I smiled a big smile and proclaimed that this was my favourite part of today. And it was. Delicious, and sensuous. I could hear the crackling, could smell the Coke, feel the bubbles and my god the Taste and the way the fizz felt going down my throat: perfection.
Last weekend I sat down and learned about scotch with R, and enjoyed myself. I listened, learning as much as I could, and while I may not remember *everything* I certainly retained more information than I normally would. Whether it's my lack of deadlines, and infinite time, or it's the fact that I really don't have anything going on, and am trying to find things to fill my time... something is working and I'm really enjoying.
One thing that I need to be better at: Respecting other people's time. I've noticed in the last couple of days that I haven't been as respectful of other folk's time. I know that sometimes I may have a good excuse, but the reality is MOST things I have control over... A little more consideration for other people wouldn't kill me, and it may improve my relationships a little more. I'm getting there.
I had a good birthday, hit a few bumps in the road, and have lots to talk about, but i'm losing concentration at warp speed, so before I can't type another word:
G'night
~Agenor
One thing I've been noticing is: that I'm living more presently. I'm trying a hell of a lot harder to live in the moment, and appreciate it for what it is. I have watched the clouds pass, spent afternoons with friends, went on those coffee dates that I wouldn't normally go on, and tried to make those connections that make me feel.
The best advice I have EVER been given: don't do something unless it makes you feel. And while a whole lot of everyday life is mundane, and emotionless, it doesn't ALL have to be. Standing in Princess' kitchen today, with ice cubes in a glass pouring some Coke from a 2L bottle over top of the crackling ice cubes I smiled a big smile and proclaimed that this was my favourite part of today. And it was. Delicious, and sensuous. I could hear the crackling, could smell the Coke, feel the bubbles and my god the Taste and the way the fizz felt going down my throat: perfection.
Last weekend I sat down and learned about scotch with R, and enjoyed myself. I listened, learning as much as I could, and while I may not remember *everything* I certainly retained more information than I normally would. Whether it's my lack of deadlines, and infinite time, or it's the fact that I really don't have anything going on, and am trying to find things to fill my time... something is working and I'm really enjoying.
One thing that I need to be better at: Respecting other people's time. I've noticed in the last couple of days that I haven't been as respectful of other folk's time. I know that sometimes I may have a good excuse, but the reality is MOST things I have control over... A little more consideration for other people wouldn't kill me, and it may improve my relationships a little more. I'm getting there.
I had a good birthday, hit a few bumps in the road, and have lots to talk about, but i'm losing concentration at warp speed, so before I can't type another word:
G'night
~Agenor
Friday, August 19, 2011
Friendship and headaches (completely unrelated: this time)
I *think* today I'm in better shape, I certainly crashed last night around this time, and was set into a doozie of a migraine throughout the entire night, going to bed with the pain at an 8 and waking up with it a little milder, at a 6 out of 10. I didn't do much today. I went to the doctors, and I got some groceries. Not the best choices, but better than what I have been eating, I think... kinda... I'm having a hell of a time getting back on the bandwagon. I'm really hoping to be feeling better next week. Dr. Quackbox kept me off until Monday. I should be heading back to work Monday night all things considering. His point "you'll have to go back to work someone" is a valid one, I do worry about the security of my job. My health has to come first. It's a valid concern. Living in Stratford is only a viable option as long as I'm at the factory. If something happens, and I lose that job, then a move to Toronto may be in my future yet.
Last week when I was migraine free I had a future again. For a couple days anyway. I could have any job I wanted. I could be a dock boy down in the distillery district. I could be a truck driver, driving across country, hell... the military might even take me on, if I could figure out how to get these migraines under control. What i want to know is, the people who DO get migraines, how do they get through their day with one? What am I doing differently?
Something awesome happened tonight: Just now. I connected with K. For a brief moment in time, one of my best friends and I were in the same space in cyberspace. God how that woman grounds me, and she doesn't even realize it. She's up north. Resolute Bay (Alert?) I need to spend a day with her when she comes home. She's way too busy, it's crazy trying to keep up with her, and a day spent talking, isn't active enough for her, but it's exactly what i want. That being said, to spend a day running around would be fine too! :)
Just a day.
I did a Tarot reading tonight. There are not definitive answers tonight, but I haven't been treating my cards as well as I usually do, so that's to be expected, after a couple nights under my pillow they'll be happier, and a little more specific. :) A good reading overall, I'm heading in the right direction, and I was able to use my heartbreak to grow, yay! Also: apparently I don't let people in. lol
news to me! har har!
I think I'm going to watch a movie, and hopefully turn in early-ish tonight. I'd like to get a massage tomorrow if I can get an appointment.
~Agey
Last week when I was migraine free I had a future again. For a couple days anyway. I could have any job I wanted. I could be a dock boy down in the distillery district. I could be a truck driver, driving across country, hell... the military might even take me on, if I could figure out how to get these migraines under control. What i want to know is, the people who DO get migraines, how do they get through their day with one? What am I doing differently?
Something awesome happened tonight: Just now. I connected with K. For a brief moment in time, one of my best friends and I were in the same space in cyberspace. God how that woman grounds me, and she doesn't even realize it. She's up north. Resolute Bay (Alert?) I need to spend a day with her when she comes home. She's way too busy, it's crazy trying to keep up with her, and a day spent talking, isn't active enough for her, but it's exactly what i want. That being said, to spend a day running around would be fine too! :)
Just a day.
I did a Tarot reading tonight. There are not definitive answers tonight, but I haven't been treating my cards as well as I usually do, so that's to be expected, after a couple nights under my pillow they'll be happier, and a little more specific. :) A good reading overall, I'm heading in the right direction, and I was able to use my heartbreak to grow, yay! Also: apparently I don't let people in. lol
news to me! har har!
I think I'm going to watch a movie, and hopefully turn in early-ish tonight. I'd like to get a massage tomorrow if I can get an appointment.
~Agey
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Today's story:
The mama is getting her hairs did. She'll be out until SOON. (which means I don't have until 10pm to get my shit together, and get a story ready for her) She's going to be angry, because I've decided to stay home for the night. Considering the trouble I'm having focusing on this screen to type out this itty bitty story it makes perfect sense to me. (it won't make as much sense to her).
So yesterday morning at the Doctor's office I got a preview of the magnificent migraine that was going to attack me (for two days). It came, it's still here, and I'm feeling like shit still. Which is my brilliant excuse for not going into work.
I feel like there's something inside my brain eating it. I showered for the first time since leaving M's in Toronto about ten minutes ago, and I feel refreshed. :)
Changed my sheets, made my bed, and started my laundry. I've got two loads, not too shabby. I'm going to have to see the doctor tomorrow because all of my paperwork states that I should be back to work yesterday. I'm crossing my fingers that he hasn't started filling out those papers quite yet, I don't suspect that he has.
I'm heading over to the grocery store to get a few things for groceries.
I feel very out of it.
no pot tonight. It was a bad enough idea last night.
~Agey
So yesterday morning at the Doctor's office I got a preview of the magnificent migraine that was going to attack me (for two days). It came, it's still here, and I'm feeling like shit still. Which is my brilliant excuse for not going into work.
I feel like there's something inside my brain eating it. I showered for the first time since leaving M's in Toronto about ten minutes ago, and I feel refreshed. :)
Changed my sheets, made my bed, and started my laundry. I've got two loads, not too shabby. I'm going to have to see the doctor tomorrow because all of my paperwork states that I should be back to work yesterday. I'm crossing my fingers that he hasn't started filling out those papers quite yet, I don't suspect that he has.
I'm heading over to the grocery store to get a few things for groceries.
I feel very out of it.
no pot tonight. It was a bad enough idea last night.
~Agey
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
stoned and watching House
my head feels heavy, and my body keep swaying
the fan cools me down
my temperature keeps rising
this migraine has gotten the best of me.
stoned and watching house.
~Agey
the fan cools me down
my temperature keeps rising
this migraine has gotten the best of me.
stoned and watching house.
~Agey
Monday, August 15, 2011
on the move... choo choo
I'm taking a risk by typing this on the train. Something could happen, and my battery could die prematurely (most likely). I could lose my internets connection, and lose my words, or... I could simply be paranoid.
At any rate, here I am traveling westbound on VIA Rail's train. Heading back home. I've written about home a couple times, but I think it's important to say, that as much fun, and as good as it was to visit, I am looking forward to spending the night in my bed, sleeping with my kitties, and contemplating getting my life back into some kind of routine.
Today was a good day. I got some more writing done, which is always good, and makes me feel accomplished. I really have enjoyed spending time at the Reference library in Toronto. Really enjoyed. I got some shopping done today too, not that I necessarily NEEDED to, but I bought one polo t-shirt, two henley t-shirts, a pair of $12.00 jeans (size 38!!) -I'll try them on tomorrow after a good poop! lol and a button up short sleeve shirt. It was productive, i got good sales, and I feel good about it. I still didn't spend *that much* money, and God knows that while I have lots of work clothes, that I could use some normal clothes, for outside of work.
M and I had a good dinner, many thanks to him for putting up with me for this stint. I have greatly enjoyed spending time with him, though perhaps next time I'll be able to follow through on my offers to helping. (paint, ect)
Princess and I had our goodbye this evening after a stint at the library. I can't believe that I've been here almost a month, and I can't believe when I wake up tomorrow morning, he won't be around.... I think that's the hardest part of being in Stratford right now, is how lonely I feel. I didn't realize how much his friendship eased that pain.
I've got a few things on my mind right now, trying to figure out my place in the world, and my place in others' worlds. Not realizing that I *do* have the power to affect someone. Not realizing exactly how selfish I have been in the last little while. Not giving myself that time to think about what it is that I want out of life, and what I need right now in order to get that, and in order to survive right now. Maybe even find contentment. Who knows!!
Anyway,
I *think* Gary's gonna die (he really doesn't have a capacity for battery life anymore) and I'm going to either read a bit, or have a nap.
I am *not* on the first class car, and it's sad. It's a little squishy this time around. *tres sad*
~Agenor
At any rate, here I am traveling westbound on VIA Rail's train. Heading back home. I've written about home a couple times, but I think it's important to say, that as much fun, and as good as it was to visit, I am looking forward to spending the night in my bed, sleeping with my kitties, and contemplating getting my life back into some kind of routine.
Today was a good day. I got some more writing done, which is always good, and makes me feel accomplished. I really have enjoyed spending time at the Reference library in Toronto. Really enjoyed. I got some shopping done today too, not that I necessarily NEEDED to, but I bought one polo t-shirt, two henley t-shirts, a pair of $12.00 jeans (size 38!!) -I'll try them on tomorrow after a good poop! lol and a button up short sleeve shirt. It was productive, i got good sales, and I feel good about it. I still didn't spend *that much* money, and God knows that while I have lots of work clothes, that I could use some normal clothes, for outside of work.
M and I had a good dinner, many thanks to him for putting up with me for this stint. I have greatly enjoyed spending time with him, though perhaps next time I'll be able to follow through on my offers to helping. (paint, ect)
Princess and I had our goodbye this evening after a stint at the library. I can't believe that I've been here almost a month, and I can't believe when I wake up tomorrow morning, he won't be around.... I think that's the hardest part of being in Stratford right now, is how lonely I feel. I didn't realize how much his friendship eased that pain.
I've got a few things on my mind right now, trying to figure out my place in the world, and my place in others' worlds. Not realizing that I *do* have the power to affect someone. Not realizing exactly how selfish I have been in the last little while. Not giving myself that time to think about what it is that I want out of life, and what I need right now in order to get that, and in order to survive right now. Maybe even find contentment. Who knows!!
Anyway,
I *think* Gary's gonna die (he really doesn't have a capacity for battery life anymore) and I'm going to either read a bit, or have a nap.
I am *not* on the first class car, and it's sad. It's a little squishy this time around. *tres sad*
~Agenor
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Inspiration
It comes in many different ways. Being in Toronto is amazing for me, in respect to my creativity. It's a wonder anyone gets any sleep here. (I'm sure there are many that don't).
Lots of cool things happening today. I *think* I figured out the Toronto transit system, at least a little more than I had before. I took buses and shuttles, and detours, and used transfers, and wow, it was exciting! I spent some time (though not nearly enough) in the library this afternoon writing, I'm slightly embarrassed about it. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, because what if it turns out that I really can't write worth a shit, and it's crap? Then what? I actually think that I'm finally onto something, and I *think* that the book will be fairly organized, way more than I thought would happen. AND it seems to be flowing fairly good. I'm working on points now, but I think once I start to write, if I can get into the same head space, I'll be golden.
Inspiration came to me this evening walking the dogs. When I got home from a busy day of figuring out Toronto's transit system, I walked the dogs. Each one separately. I started with Pebbles the puggle, she is the guest puppers, and is a little adhd. She stops to smell all the roses, it seems like she forgets that she's supposed to be looking for a spot to pee, I know I'm a little less patient than a good dog owner would be, but give me some credit, for giving it a shot. She was very well behaved in comparison to other nights, though naturally I had more time, and because I walked her first, I didn't feel like there was a lot of pressure. She came in, and did her business. Bea freaked out. The poor little thing, doesn't socialize well with other puppies, and sadly she was very uptight about the entire situation. Bea barked, and squealed like you were trying to kill her, and as soon as she got outside on her leash, everything was fine. It was really neat to see that change actually. She was much calmer when she came in, and though she heard Pebbles upstairs a little, she was fairly calm about the whole situation.
Isn't it funny, how in one moment it can seem like life is shitting bricks on you, and you feel like you're: suffocating, drowning, running, carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, and in the next moment you can feel completely okay? I'm not sure how many people are like this, but I know that I am one of them. Sometimes it really is as simple as a walk outside, to smell the fresh air...
Last week that I was here, I was freaking out. Stressing to the Maximum about what I want to do with my life, right now, and in the future. I was thinking about moving to Toronto, I was thinking about quitting my stable job, and moving away to a new city, making less money, and giving up my truck, which while I wouldn't need it here in TO I would miss it dearly. Stanley IS like a child to me. I was in my state of confusion, and while I was outwardly having a good time, and soaking up the inspiration, and the extended friend time with M and TJ, I was stressing out about all of my new choices. I think I did deep down know the answer, but I needed to go through the motions. As soon as I got home, flopped down on my bed, (and saw my kitties) I knew what I was going to do. Leave it to the simple things in life, like a clump of cat hair on your blanket, to remind you of the things that mean the most.
So while it may not be ideal, and it may not be on the fast track to where I want to be, it's exactly where I need to be... Right at home with the kitties that make me smile, and the people who do love me best.
Lots of cool things happening today. I *think* I figured out the Toronto transit system, at least a little more than I had before. I took buses and shuttles, and detours, and used transfers, and wow, it was exciting! I spent some time (though not nearly enough) in the library this afternoon writing, I'm slightly embarrassed about it. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, because what if it turns out that I really can't write worth a shit, and it's crap? Then what? I actually think that I'm finally onto something, and I *think* that the book will be fairly organized, way more than I thought would happen. AND it seems to be flowing fairly good. I'm working on points now, but I think once I start to write, if I can get into the same head space, I'll be golden.
Inspiration came to me this evening walking the dogs. When I got home from a busy day of figuring out Toronto's transit system, I walked the dogs. Each one separately. I started with Pebbles the puggle, she is the guest puppers, and is a little adhd. She stops to smell all the roses, it seems like she forgets that she's supposed to be looking for a spot to pee, I know I'm a little less patient than a good dog owner would be, but give me some credit, for giving it a shot. She was very well behaved in comparison to other nights, though naturally I had more time, and because I walked her first, I didn't feel like there was a lot of pressure. She came in, and did her business. Bea freaked out. The poor little thing, doesn't socialize well with other puppies, and sadly she was very uptight about the entire situation. Bea barked, and squealed like you were trying to kill her, and as soon as she got outside on her leash, everything was fine. It was really neat to see that change actually. She was much calmer when she came in, and though she heard Pebbles upstairs a little, she was fairly calm about the whole situation.
Isn't it funny, how in one moment it can seem like life is shitting bricks on you, and you feel like you're: suffocating, drowning, running, carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, and in the next moment you can feel completely okay? I'm not sure how many people are like this, but I know that I am one of them. Sometimes it really is as simple as a walk outside, to smell the fresh air...
Last week that I was here, I was freaking out. Stressing to the Maximum about what I want to do with my life, right now, and in the future. I was thinking about moving to Toronto, I was thinking about quitting my stable job, and moving away to a new city, making less money, and giving up my truck, which while I wouldn't need it here in TO I would miss it dearly. Stanley IS like a child to me. I was in my state of confusion, and while I was outwardly having a good time, and soaking up the inspiration, and the extended friend time with M and TJ, I was stressing out about all of my new choices. I think I did deep down know the answer, but I needed to go through the motions. As soon as I got home, flopped down on my bed, (and saw my kitties) I knew what I was going to do. Leave it to the simple things in life, like a clump of cat hair on your blanket, to remind you of the things that mean the most.
So while it may not be ideal, and it may not be on the fast track to where I want to be, it's exactly where I need to be... Right at home with the kitties that make me smile, and the people who do love me best.
Buddy snuggling with his Daddy!
Scooter layin' in his homemade hammock
~Agenor
Thursday, August 11, 2011
August 10th... the anniversary
Happy Anniversary to her.
Knew there was a strange undertone to the day, didn't realize until later that it would have been three years... makes me feel completely pathetic realizing that: we've now been apart longer than we were together, and the new girlfriend and her have been together longer.
Looks like it wasn't real love after all... and if it was, clearly lesbian love is a better love for her.
I hate lesbians.
(as a rule... though there are exceptions)
Some days it feels like just yesterday when my life was "all together" and other days it feels like I've been playing the solo game for a long ass time... Time is strange.
*and for the record, I never had it "all together" I just thought I did, but if I had any ounce of logic in me, I would have known two things: nothing is forever, and at the ages that we were, we were worlds apart.
Now i feel so in between ages that I'm not sure where I fit. I'm too immature for women my age, but I want a woman that I can talk to and connect with... but I'm certainly not ready to settle down... or am I?
I'm a mess.
that girl did leave me a mess, and in the last few months i've started cleaning up her mess.
a HUGE thank you to the girl for helping me focus on something else... walking away from her hurt me more than I imagined it would, and so it gave me a chance to realize that I was capable of having feelings for someone else.
Yes it's fucked up that at the time, I felt like I was being unfaithful... but it got me to a better place...Big thanks to her. (as messed as that is)
So, yes a very happy birthday to my almost-mother-in-law, and a happy 3rd anniversary to the girl who ripped out my heart. Thank you for that. but more importantly, thank you for the opportunity that you gave me to grow into a better person, and a stronger person than you deserve. The irony? the entire relationship I tried so hard to be better, and stronger, and just a good person... when I was already good enough, and strong enough... it wasn't me who needed to do the growing and stretching (though i did benefit greatly!) it was her.
Sometimes life is funny... I guess I'm just that much stronger for the next girl who comes along... maybe she'll be stronger too, and she'll fight for me... it'd be nice to have someone fight for me...
~Agenor
Knew there was a strange undertone to the day, didn't realize until later that it would have been three years... makes me feel completely pathetic realizing that: we've now been apart longer than we were together, and the new girlfriend and her have been together longer.
Looks like it wasn't real love after all... and if it was, clearly lesbian love is a better love for her.
I hate lesbians.
(as a rule... though there are exceptions)
Some days it feels like just yesterday when my life was "all together" and other days it feels like I've been playing the solo game for a long ass time... Time is strange.
*and for the record, I never had it "all together" I just thought I did, but if I had any ounce of logic in me, I would have known two things: nothing is forever, and at the ages that we were, we were worlds apart.
Now i feel so in between ages that I'm not sure where I fit. I'm too immature for women my age, but I want a woman that I can talk to and connect with... but I'm certainly not ready to settle down... or am I?
I'm a mess.
that girl did leave me a mess, and in the last few months i've started cleaning up her mess.
a HUGE thank you to the girl for helping me focus on something else... walking away from her hurt me more than I imagined it would, and so it gave me a chance to realize that I was capable of having feelings for someone else.
Yes it's fucked up that at the time, I felt like I was being unfaithful... but it got me to a better place...Big thanks to her. (as messed as that is)
So, yes a very happy birthday to my almost-mother-in-law, and a happy 3rd anniversary to the girl who ripped out my heart. Thank you for that. but more importantly, thank you for the opportunity that you gave me to grow into a better person, and a stronger person than you deserve. The irony? the entire relationship I tried so hard to be better, and stronger, and just a good person... when I was already good enough, and strong enough... it wasn't me who needed to do the growing and stretching (though i did benefit greatly!) it was her.
Sometimes life is funny... I guess I'm just that much stronger for the next girl who comes along... maybe she'll be stronger too, and she'll fight for me... it'd be nice to have someone fight for me...
~Agenor
A real kinda update.sorta.
I didn't suspect that I would say this. And certainly not only two weeks into my little sick-ation. I am ready to go back to work. I have spent my time off, getting through three seasons of HOUSE. I am loving it, but it's exhausting.
I've done all of the things I should be doing in this time, except for eating properly and getting SOME exercise. I have spent the ENTIRE day in my room, going between my desk, and my bed, watching House, and trying to focus long enough to write down some thoughts on paper.
I bought my train ticket last night for Toronto. I'm staying with M again, and looking forward to it. The train ride up should be good, as well as the quiet time again, to spend writing some more, and just getting my thoughts together. It is back to work for me next Wednesday, providing everything goes well.
I'm heading back to the big city tomorrow night, and won't return until Monday night. I've got a few things planned to keep things well rounded, and of course some down time, spent with the puppies, and my note pad. I need to get some exercise too, even if it is just some walking. to the library, or to TJ's place, I do need to walk. I can feel my body beginning to get angry at me. Ironic? that I put my gym membership on medical hold now, when I want to start using it again? Naturally.
I need to question my motives for wanting to use it too... I'm a tricky one...
This coming week, I need to watch what I eat. I've been eating terrible. I really have gained about 5-10lbs since I've been off work. How that's possible? I'm not exactly sure, especially considering all the walking I did in TO. I think it's got more to do with poor eating habits than anything else. I'm all off schedule. Well... I'm almost back on schedule, I suppose.
Truth: When I started this sick-ation, I didn't want the beta blockers to work, but now that I've been off for a bit, I really am ready to go back to work, and I'm really hoping that we are making some headway with them. I really do hope that the beta blockers will reduce my migraines. It's time to add a few more positive and healthy things into my lifestyle.
I've got this. I know I can do it.
I don't want to get too attached to the idea of moving to TO this weekend while I'm there... I love everything about staying with M and it's sometimes hard for me to separate the immediate feeling of comfort, and accomplishment, from the more lasting feeling of security that I get at home. Even if I can get through till I start my surgery starts, (or until my next bout of Migraines attack) that'd give me a chance to replenish my savings a little.
It will happen.
~Agenor
I've done all of the things I should be doing in this time, except for eating properly and getting SOME exercise. I have spent the ENTIRE day in my room, going between my desk, and my bed, watching House, and trying to focus long enough to write down some thoughts on paper.
I bought my train ticket last night for Toronto. I'm staying with M again, and looking forward to it. The train ride up should be good, as well as the quiet time again, to spend writing some more, and just getting my thoughts together. It is back to work for me next Wednesday, providing everything goes well.
I'm heading back to the big city tomorrow night, and won't return until Monday night. I've got a few things planned to keep things well rounded, and of course some down time, spent with the puppies, and my note pad. I need to get some exercise too, even if it is just some walking. to the library, or to TJ's place, I do need to walk. I can feel my body beginning to get angry at me. Ironic? that I put my gym membership on medical hold now, when I want to start using it again? Naturally.
I need to question my motives for wanting to use it too... I'm a tricky one...
This coming week, I need to watch what I eat. I've been eating terrible. I really have gained about 5-10lbs since I've been off work. How that's possible? I'm not exactly sure, especially considering all the walking I did in TO. I think it's got more to do with poor eating habits than anything else. I'm all off schedule. Well... I'm almost back on schedule, I suppose.
Truth: When I started this sick-ation, I didn't want the beta blockers to work, but now that I've been off for a bit, I really am ready to go back to work, and I'm really hoping that we are making some headway with them. I really do hope that the beta blockers will reduce my migraines. It's time to add a few more positive and healthy things into my lifestyle.
I've got this. I know I can do it.
I don't want to get too attached to the idea of moving to TO this weekend while I'm there... I love everything about staying with M and it's sometimes hard for me to separate the immediate feeling of comfort, and accomplishment, from the more lasting feeling of security that I get at home. Even if I can get through till I start my surgery starts, (or until my next bout of Migraines attack) that'd give me a chance to replenish my savings a little.
It will happen.
~Agenor
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
A quick one, just to prove life exists
I am completely un-motivated this week. I have spent MOST of my week in bed, watching tv, surfing the internets, or just lazing around, napping... and yet somehow I can't stop yawning.
Things medically are improving I THINK. I went to see Dr. Unhelpful, and he suggested I take 20 mg more of the beta blockers, and see him next week. He's good enough, as well, to keep me off work for one more week. I'm going back next Tuesday night. (after my doctor's appointment in the big city). It was good of him to keep me off, and I'll do better, and try to appreciate him a little more. It's difficult when he freaks out when I ask him to do any kind of paperwork for me. Very frustrating.
I've wanted to write all week, but nothing's coming to me. Perhaps this is proof that I am in fact, a writer. :)
Writer's block?
This afternoon I'll write some, maybe if it's nice I'll sit out back in the gazebo, and do some writing. :)
~Agenor
Edit: that sounds like rain outside my window...
Things medically are improving I THINK. I went to see Dr. Unhelpful, and he suggested I take 20 mg more of the beta blockers, and see him next week. He's good enough, as well, to keep me off work for one more week. I'm going back next Tuesday night. (after my doctor's appointment in the big city). It was good of him to keep me off, and I'll do better, and try to appreciate him a little more. It's difficult when he freaks out when I ask him to do any kind of paperwork for me. Very frustrating.
I've wanted to write all week, but nothing's coming to me. Perhaps this is proof that I am in fact, a writer. :)
Writer's block?
This afternoon I'll write some, maybe if it's nice I'll sit out back in the gazebo, and do some writing. :)
~Agenor
Edit: that sounds like rain outside my window...
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Day by Day
If I'm basing my decision on money then the answer is simple: Stratford affords me 400 extra dollars a month. (assuming I get a job in Toronto paying 14.00/hr.
if i'm basing my decision on the experiences I may have in the next few months: Toronto would be a better answer.
IF I'm basing my decision on the long term, and the the long haul (which is something that I should be doing) then I don't know what the right answer is for me.
I've done the list of pros and cons, and come out practically even.
I know that if I could stay in Toronto and not work, that i would be the happiest. Best of both worlds, but how can I continue making my bill payments with that kind of idea?
I think my reality is that I don't have an answer.
So I'll keep going the way that I have been, working when I have to work (at home) and looking for work here in Toronto. Doing my best to maintain some kind of a balance. Until Dr.Kara sends me back to work, that will work. Once I'm back to work, then everything will be dependent on when I can get here to have interviews and meet with people, maybe I should have been doing that this afternoon. Instead of watching House, and walking Beatrice, and walking to TJ's. I certainly shouldn't have wasted 2 hours on the couch at TJ's waiting to get our asses going.
It's 5:40, and we're only NOW starting to settle into some kind of work routine.
What does it really matter? I sit here, again in the reference library, and think about all the life I’ve wasted. I always feel the most inspired in places like these. Makes me miss my life in Guelph slightly, and in the next breath… makes me happy to be here.
Day by day, I will figure out what is to come.
Day by day.
~Agenor
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
One step forward, two steps back? Not this time.
I'm no closer to figuring it out.
It's still the epic battle of Stability and finances vs. experience and life fulfillment, Am I making a huge mistake by moving here? Could I be screwing myself? Will i be able to afford to live on less money? When my bills are less, should that not be enough, to even things out?
Tomorrow I'm going to apply for some jobs. Getting up earlier and heading down to the reference library again. I really enjoyed my day.
Tomorrow I'll look into school as well, perhaps. Once I have a plan, I'll feel more confident. I'm sure that I can make this work. And I'm sure that with Matt's GUIDANCE I'll learn a thing or two about how to manage money as well. :)
We had an awesome dinner in tonight, and in fact a good night all around. I'm so lucky to have such amazing friends. And I do!
I'll finish it off with a pic from this past weekend in Niagara Falls: Hubert, myself and the Tilley hat! :)
~Agenor
It's still the epic battle of Stability and finances vs. experience and life fulfillment, Am I making a huge mistake by moving here? Could I be screwing myself? Will i be able to afford to live on less money? When my bills are less, should that not be enough, to even things out?
Tomorrow I'm going to apply for some jobs. Getting up earlier and heading down to the reference library again. I really enjoyed my day.
Tomorrow I'll look into school as well, perhaps. Once I have a plan, I'll feel more confident. I'm sure that I can make this work. And I'm sure that with Matt's GUIDANCE I'll learn a thing or two about how to manage money as well. :)
We had an awesome dinner in tonight, and in fact a good night all around. I'm so lucky to have such amazing friends. And I do!
I'll finish it off with a pic from this past weekend in Niagara Falls: Hubert, myself and the Tilley hat! :)
Toronto vs. the World
I’m sitting in the Toronto Reference library on the 2nd floor, looking across to see shelves of books, and people looking for answers. They aren’t unlike myself. I’ve been marking up, and listing all morning (well... what seems like all morning but is in actuality only the first part of the afternoon.) I’m trying to make a well thought out decision. When I made the choices I made last week they weren’t well thought out at all. They were rash and emotional. AND I loved them.
Who in their right mind would leave a job after 4.5 years of stability? Who does that? Who would walk away from $700 a week? Who would try to leave the stability of living at home with the parental units? Who would walk away from the drug plan and the sick benefits right before embarking on a major surgery? Who would do that?
Who sits around waiting for life to happen? Who continues in the mundane, day in and day out routines of life? Who waits for things to happen to them, instead of going out and having experiences that they can control, (and some they can’t). Who is too afraid of the unknown to try new things? Who holds on to the dreams that OTHERS have for them, and does nothing to work towards his own dreams?
Who listens to what other people say?
Who makes his own choices?
Who makes his own choices?
I’m a strong and healthy (for the most part) man. I’ve got a great head on my shoulders, and while I admit for the past couple of weeks that’s been compromised, as I’ve been closer than ever to losing my mind, the truth remains that I am still the strongest parts of me.
Choices we make in our lives affect us long after the fact, but the fact remains that no choice we make could ever be the wrong one. Leading us exactly where we are meant to be...
So in the epic battle that I’m having today, in my Toronto vs. the world war: I don’t know. I’m not further ahead than I was when I woke up this morning. I know what I have here could be something amazing. I could have a great future here. I could be afforded the same possibilities in Stratford, with the added bonus of continuing to keep up with my truck payments.
A creature that craves change, excitement and stability, I am a walking contradiction. I’m ready to make more of my life, I’m ready to take some chances, and make some moves, but I’m not sure if this is the move I want to make. I wish there was a simpler answer. I wish that I had some concrete ideas about what’s causing the migraines, about what will happen when/if I go on sick leave, and have to be on E.I. sick benefits, and I’ve got a few technicalities to figure out. I’m so grateful to my friends for being as supportive as they have been in this crazy time.
A little crazy, a little closer than I was a week ago, to losing my mind entirely, but I’m in a good place ultimately. Holding on to the moments as they come, and the friendships and relationship that sustain me.
Exhaustion.
~Agenor
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