I've been here on and off for over a month, and I have loved it so much. As the weeks pass by, I'm forced to recognize that my time off work, has GOT to be coming to an end. As much as the migraines have been off and on, and the side effects from the beta blockers have been hit or miss, it's true that I can't stay in this place forever.
I'd love to stay here, on a more permanent basis, and write my book. I mean, really focus on completing it, getting it published, and moving onto the next stage of my life. In a perfect world I'd make enough money to put myself through school. Either enough to pay my living expenses: rent/groceries, or enough to pay my tuition for the 4 years. In a perfect world. In a not so perfect world I'm going to go back to work soon, and one of two things is going to happen: I'm going to stay there long enough to get through my surgeries, and save a few dollars, OR my migraines will prevent me from maintaining my employment status with them, and I'll be forced to find another job, or take on a more permanent disability status. I'd like to stay employed long enough to get my surgery well underway, so that I know that it's going to happen, because as much as I've been off, and gaining weight at record speeds, and not really accomplishing much, other than living fairly contently, in the moment, I don't know that surgery is a possibility right now, with my finances the way they are.
A big part of my plan is to get off the anti D's. As much as I wanted to be on them to help with the post op depression that I am expecting will hit me, I'm wondering if possibly going off of them, in order to decrease the potential for migraines is a more reasonable plan of action. I've started decreasing the amount of Celexa that I'm taking. I'm on a low low dose, so I've cut it down, and I'll wean off that way, of course this is something that I'll be discussing with my doctor on Tuesday when I see him. *initiate panic sequence now*
I'm puppy sitting this coming week. Ron and Jen got a puppy, Riley. She's such a pretty puppy, and I'm so excited to spend some time with her. After the whole experience on my birthday, with the shipoo that I fell in love with, and the way my family (mother) handled herself, I've been keeping my distance, and trying to make the whole thing OKAY in my head... I really think that spending time with Riley will be good for me, it gives me the opportunity to have a puppy without having the responsibility of having a puppy. Though, naturally I did make it all right in my head, and I know all the ways that I could take care of a puppy, and that I'd be a good puppy-daddy... the timing is once again off.
Oh Timing, you frustrate me sometimes (most times).
I'm going to write about this, because I need a place to do this, and here seems as good a place as any.
Timing.
The beginning of December I started seeing a girl. We went out on a couple dates, after extensive emails, and started moving fairly quickly (in some ways) and slower than molasses in February (in other ways). I wasn't ready to get myself into a relationship, for some stupid reason, and she was ready for a real relationship and didn't like being dragged around with no real hope for a future.
While she is not THE perfect woman, she is the perfect girl FOR ME. She's a feeler, jumps in heart first, and has a way with words that both gets me excited and makes me melt. She'd do anything for anyone, and has passions in her life, that make her shall we say "Zesty"... she's the type of woman that I want beside me for the long haul, but there was something just not feeling right when we were seeing each other last time. It put too much of a burden on me, not understanding exactly how to deal with it, or understanding exactly what had caused it.
With my upcoming surgery placing such a weight on me, financially, and emotionally, and the ways that I was still holding onto the past with Tatianna, it was very difficult for me to move forward with her. I'm trying to figure out if with the way that things have changed for me over the past few months, and the ways that I'm trying to move forward with life in general, if things have changed enough for me to feel confident that I won't let her down. Time will tell, of that I am sure. I just hope that I'm strong enough, no matter what answer I find to do right by her.
I'm leaving tomorrow, heading back to Stratford. For how long I am not sure, what I do know is that I will not be going back to work next week, as the effects of the beta blockers have been kicking my ass. I am puppy sitting my baby niece. A sharpi-lab mix, named Riley. I'm so looking forward to spending the time with her.
This is "Daisy" and I on my birthday. She's the shi-poo that I fell in absolute love with. She's a bigger puppy, born the beginning of May this year, and I'm so worried that she won't find a good home, because she is a bigger puppy, and with all the tiny and seemingly "cuter" puppies... maybe they won't want her... But I want her. She's so special. My little girl... :(
Look at those Eyes!!
~Agenor
Miss you roomy!
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