I’m sitting in the Toronto Reference library on the 2nd floor, looking across to see shelves of books, and people looking for answers. They aren’t unlike myself. I’ve been marking up, and listing all morning (well... what seems like all morning but is in actuality only the first part of the afternoon.) I’m trying to make a well thought out decision. When I made the choices I made last week they weren’t well thought out at all. They were rash and emotional. AND I loved them.
Who in their right mind would leave a job after 4.5 years of stability? Who does that? Who would walk away from $700 a week? Who would try to leave the stability of living at home with the parental units? Who would walk away from the drug plan and the sick benefits right before embarking on a major surgery? Who would do that?
Who sits around waiting for life to happen? Who continues in the mundane, day in and day out routines of life? Who waits for things to happen to them, instead of going out and having experiences that they can control, (and some they can’t). Who is too afraid of the unknown to try new things? Who holds on to the dreams that OTHERS have for them, and does nothing to work towards his own dreams?
Who listens to what other people say?
Who makes his own choices?
Who makes his own choices?
I’m a strong and healthy (for the most part) man. I’ve got a great head on my shoulders, and while I admit for the past couple of weeks that’s been compromised, as I’ve been closer than ever to losing my mind, the truth remains that I am still the strongest parts of me.
Choices we make in our lives affect us long after the fact, but the fact remains that no choice we make could ever be the wrong one. Leading us exactly where we are meant to be...
So in the epic battle that I’m having today, in my Toronto vs. the world war: I don’t know. I’m not further ahead than I was when I woke up this morning. I know what I have here could be something amazing. I could have a great future here. I could be afforded the same possibilities in Stratford, with the added bonus of continuing to keep up with my truck payments.
A creature that craves change, excitement and stability, I am a walking contradiction. I’m ready to make more of my life, I’m ready to take some chances, and make some moves, but I’m not sure if this is the move I want to make. I wish there was a simpler answer. I wish that I had some concrete ideas about what’s causing the migraines, about what will happen when/if I go on sick leave, and have to be on E.I. sick benefits, and I’ve got a few technicalities to figure out. I’m so grateful to my friends for being as supportive as they have been in this crazy time.
A little crazy, a little closer than I was a week ago, to losing my mind entirely, but I’m in a good place ultimately. Holding on to the moments as they come, and the friendships and relationship that sustain me.
Exhaustion.
~Agenor
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