A little bit about what I'm thinking today:

I'm sweating sitting here at my desk. My floor heater was on today, to try to warm up my basement room. I enjoy livin in the basement. I even enjoy the cold temperature. There is something amazing about climbing under the covers and your nose being a little chilly, it's true.

The smell of the heater brought me back. It was a strange sensation. Something that happens from time to time, and generally happens through my sense of smell. Scents will take me through time, and memories, sometimes leaving me with a sensation of emotional whiplash.

This time last year:
I was planning for a vacation (as I am hoping to be doing again this year).
I was pining for the girl who set me free this week.
I was getting ready to start an online course, that I would not finish.
I wasn't working.
I was trying SO hard to stay afloat.

Now:
I'm floating!!
I'm planning for a vacation, though not as diligently as I was this time last year.
I'm surrounded by amazing friends and family. A great group of Elite as well. I've learned that Elite changes. I have the core, and I don't foresee changes happening with them, but my elite has changed durastically.
I'm actually feeling somewhat content with where I am at. For the first time in a long time, I'm not stressing about what I'm going to be when I grow up. I know that things work out how they're supposed to, and right now the money is good at the factory, I don't mind the people I work with (for the most part) Trans-queen is exhausting, but not someone that I'm constatly working with, I'm hoping someday that she'll move onto something different. I think that would make my worklife exponentially better.
There's a girl.
I'm so much more self aware than I was a year ago and I like being that man.

Part of being self aware, is realizing that there is so much self work that needs to be done. :) I like being THAT man too!

I'm enjoying music more, and I'm trying hard to be a better writer, to write what's in my heart. Censorship is so difficult to manage.

***

My heart strengthens.
it beats faster.
then slower,
and i hold my breath.
i'm learning how to swim,
pray i don't drown.

i've never been here before
feels like a breath of fresh air
i can see the green in the trees, and the blue of the water

on the edge, i hold my breath, and jump
knowing not if I will come up again.

...
and i do.
and it's beautiful.
the most amazing experience.
the water feels incredible on my skin.
electrified.

~Agenor

12 things I want to accomplish in 2011:

Current Music: waving flag

1.pay off Line of Credit

2.get weight down to 200lbs

3.read and write more

4.spend more time with friends and family  (more roadtrips)

5.get back into therapy on regular basis

6.take a winter holiday (in February 2011)

7.get "Junk" in order

8.learn how to manage migranes: sleep and food

9.once a week sit down and reflect on the good things in life. Dwell on them.

10.keep E Days for a rainy (DECEMBER) day

11.start savings account and actively contribute

12.attend MY church

Obligatory Christmas Entry - a day late

Well, there you have it. Another Christmas come and gone. It's funny in my family, to see the celebrations unfold. It's very simple, and by all accounts, I should enjoy it, but for some reason this is one holiday season that I could do without. I suggest that one year, I take off somewhere hot, and have drinks by the water, whilst getting a sunburn. I think that'd be an AMAZING Christmas!

All I would like for that Christmas would be enough cash to buy drinks. Oh wait... all inclusive resorts... Dear santa can I have some one dollar bills? please and thank you.

Someday I will avoid the "hustle and bustle." I think in order to avoid it all I'm going to have to bolt the country, and set up camp in my beach chair by the end of October, middle of November at the latest.

It's the buildup. I'm going to describe it like bad sex. It's the sex that you're kinda looking forward to, that you're wanting pretty bad, (or not, you don't even have to want it real bad). You jump into bed with this hot hot woman, you start fooling around, and afterwards you just feel empty. You feel hollow and empty. That's what I felt like all day yesterday!

Moping around. I tried, I did. Sincerly. I tried eating, and showering -neither of those seemingly flawless remedies helped. I'm sure waking up with a migrane christmas day was not a mood enhancer either...

We are a family of 4 -5 since my brother got married. My parents both living together (loving each other like crazy), my younger brother, 4 years younger, and his wife, oh and me. We have two cats, who provide endless cuddles and entertainment, and my dad's sister, comes over occasionally for the big meals. It's nice to have her here.

So I am blessed. Family is something that I do have, and when you take a step back, I'm damned lucky to have them all in one piece. (God doesn't give you more than you can handle! - this is true!)

I have a multitude of friends. Some who get it, some who don't. They love me anyway. And we had a turkey on the table complete with stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, veggies, rolls... everything you could want at a traditional meal. (I am a turkey guy ALLL the way!)

I spent some time in the evening in amazing company. Friends of the family since before I was born, D&D. We did a little Christmas exchange, which was awesome, and then laughed for a couple hours, as the parents reminised about the crazy things we did as kids. Prank calls that C made, and my "creative expression" when I decided to "fingerpaint" with the contents of my diaper. :)
A little picasso! ;) -not quite! haha

I love to hear those stories about early in my life, and see how much my parents loved me then. Compared with the ways they love me now, and it's so amazing.

Today is a day full of shopping. I've wiped the frown off my face, it left as soon as the clock struck... 1:58am ;) this morning... I'm looking forward to some deals. There are a few things that I could use...
Maybe some fun things that I don't really need, too. :)

It will be a good day.

I haven't mentioned yet. (this is ONLY my second entry, but it's only fair) that there's a lady in my life. I woke up to the most peaceful text message yesterday morning, it was so beautiful. So simple. It made me want to wake up where she was... I'm taking things slow. *I think* and trying to be a little more careful with my heart. *i'm sorry J!* and letting go of the past. The past is the past for a reason, and it's so refreshing to be able to explore the future with a beautiful, charming, intelligent LOCAL girl! Who is just as amazing as I am, and deserves the good things that I can give her.

I'm looking forward to continuing getting to know her over the next few months, but I've mentioned before *though not here* that this is NOT my kiss and tell journal, this is a blog.

So to recap:
-I don't talk about sucking face here.
-I'm going boxing day shopping with Princess, and looking forward to some good deals. (and maybe lunch)
-I am a lucky man with many blessings. Including, but not limited to: health, a loving family, and friends, a beautiful holiday dinner, and an attractive girl to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside...
-Christmas is a difficult time for me, it feels like bad sex.
-today is not Christmas. It's boxing day, and I'm making new memories with my friends. (new and old)


~Agenor

7 am introductions

Well now seems as good a time as any to make a small introduction to myself. What this blog will be, is simply that. A blog. I've got a "journal" over at livejournal, and have been writing over there for almost 6 years. This blog will be slightly different, in that I hope to keep it open.

It's part of my plan to work on writing for an audience, so I hope this will prove entertaining to some.

The last time I had an open blog I ranted, and raved, and got noticed by a couple people, who said my blog was, at worst, an interesting read. A lot has changed since then, including my style, and ability to write. Inspiration comes and goes, and life gets in the way.

So to make this introduction, at 6:55am on Christmas Eve, I will say this:
At this point in time, I'm in my 27th year. I'm working full-time in a factory to pay my bills. I live at home with my parents and two kitties. I am a dog person. I have three sharks, and so far, a plecko. (he's small, so I'm worried about him biting the dust)

I am a feeler, and generally navigate my entire life based on feelings. I like to think that I have fairly good intuition, and a strong sense of self awareness. I am loved by many, and hated by few which I think is the way to be. The ones that hate me, MUST be jealous of me ;)
and the ones that love me, can see the real me. (even when I can't!)

I have a brother who is 4 years younger than me, and a sister-in-law who is 8 years older than me. A nephew who is 17, and one who is 14. My chosen niece is 3, and my world. (though i need to include her in my world more frequently to actually have the right to say that) Her mother, one of my closest friends is one of the most loyal people I have ever met. Like me, drama seems to follow her. Unlike me, the scale is usually much larger.

My parents live together, happily married, since forever (or June 1983). I have no grandparents living, but in an adoptive family, I have come across a Nana who loves the heck out of me (but still can't compare to my "real" Grandparents)-you know the ones that love you before you're born!

"Nana's" family consists of 3 K's and a P. P lives in the East Coast, so she's hardly ever around, but somehow they manage to stay connected. P and K1 are members of the CF, and that's a huge part of their life. Someday I'll write more about my personal experiences with that. (oooh foreshadowing!)
K2 and I have become close in the past couple years. Last winter K2, K3, and their (now ex) husbands and I went on a trip down south. The best winter vacation to date. So nice to be down south, with good people, and the experience was priceless.(though the all-inclusive ticket definitely had a price...)

Princess is another close friend. Jokingly I refer to him as my wife. He is training me for the day that I have a real live girlfriend again. He's a good guy, who has been the guy that has pulled me through, shown me so much in such a short time. It's nice to be friends with a crazy guy, who can be just as stable, if not more than myself. (someone who CLAIMS sanity)

I'm struggling with maintaining a train of thought, and I find that to be my biggest struggle when writing, so the rest of this introduction will have to wait until later. Mom can't sleep, and needs to be entertained... and since I'm the only one in the house... besides the cats, who seem to be ignoring her too, it's my job!

Welcome to my new blog!

~Agenor