A little bit about what I'm thinking today:

I'm sweating sitting here at my desk. My floor heater was on today, to try to warm up my basement room. I enjoy livin in the basement. I even enjoy the cold temperature. There is something amazing about climbing under the covers and your nose being a little chilly, it's true.

The smell of the heater brought me back. It was a strange sensation. Something that happens from time to time, and generally happens through my sense of smell. Scents will take me through time, and memories, sometimes leaving me with a sensation of emotional whiplash.

This time last year:
I was planning for a vacation (as I am hoping to be doing again this year).
I was pining for the girl who set me free this week.
I was getting ready to start an online course, that I would not finish.
I wasn't working.
I was trying SO hard to stay afloat.

Now:
I'm floating!!
I'm planning for a vacation, though not as diligently as I was this time last year.
I'm surrounded by amazing friends and family. A great group of Elite as well. I've learned that Elite changes. I have the core, and I don't foresee changes happening with them, but my elite has changed durastically.
I'm actually feeling somewhat content with where I am at. For the first time in a long time, I'm not stressing about what I'm going to be when I grow up. I know that things work out how they're supposed to, and right now the money is good at the factory, I don't mind the people I work with (for the most part) Trans-queen is exhausting, but not someone that I'm constatly working with, I'm hoping someday that she'll move onto something different. I think that would make my worklife exponentially better.
There's a girl.
I'm so much more self aware than I was a year ago and I like being that man.

Part of being self aware, is realizing that there is so much self work that needs to be done. :) I like being THAT man too!

I'm enjoying music more, and I'm trying hard to be a better writer, to write what's in my heart. Censorship is so difficult to manage.

***

My heart strengthens.
it beats faster.
then slower,
and i hold my breath.
i'm learning how to swim,
pray i don't drown.

i've never been here before
feels like a breath of fresh air
i can see the green in the trees, and the blue of the water

on the edge, i hold my breath, and jump
knowing not if I will come up again.

...
and i do.
and it's beautiful.
the most amazing experience.
the water feels incredible on my skin.
electrified.

~Agenor