low: the heat. When i walked into the plant and hit the wall of heat... :( so sad.
high: getting out of bed after 8 hours sleep and enjoying some of the beautiful day.
short and simple. An uneventful day.
Lots in my head today, I'm trying to get my shit sorted out. slowly but surely.
realized that timing really is everything, and that I really don't have any time.
I'm wondering though, if it's possible to MAKE time? Perhaps working through the week and weekends, is a little difficult when trying to nurture a relationship.
This week: I'm working 12 Tuesday, I have therapy on Wednesday (thank Fuck, I say! Thank fuck!) but could still go in for 2 or 4 hours overtime. Thursday I will likely NOT go in early, but I may.
Friday night and Saturday night I'm selling glow product with TJ. I'm not sure if we're going to Toronto or where, but we are going to sell some glow shit. (and should come home with at least 200 bucks each, as well as gas and accomodations paid for) -not bad for 12 hours work.
next weekend is the blue jays game with Brother B, before he leaves for camp. I'm looking forward to catching up with the B Family!
What does it take? What was I missing? besides physical time? was there something else?
~A
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Low and High Day 1
When I lived in Guelph for the first time, a few years ago, a very close friend and his partner would play a game called high low. At the end of each day they would take a couple minutes to reflect on their day with the other. A sweet way to end the day.
I'm trying. God knows the last few weeks have been a whirlwind of excitement, nervousness, sadness, confusion, and even a little depression. I feel it creeping.
I'd like to pick up healthy practices, and so I'd like to start a daily game of High Low. But I'd like to change it to low high, to focus on the good parts. Yay positivity! I'm going to be as honest as possible...
Today was an insane day.
Low: (I had a couple that were noteworthy) -When I realized that I wouldn't be getting a text message before I went into work. When I watched her walk to the front door and then drove away. When I woke up with the sick feeling in my stomach. When she told me that she was ready to go home.
HighS!: Yes, even on a day like today there were many highs.
-When we had a delicious breakfast together, without much awkwardness, even after all the chats we'd had in the past 24 hours. -When she held me as I cried (something that I haven't done in a VERY VERY long time, and something that felt so very very good!)
-When she was giving me the directions to the bus station, and I realized I wasn't paying a single ounce of attention, but had to smile, because she was so genuine, and helpful, and cute :)
-When Benny and I realized that Victoria Park was NOT the location where we were meaning to go, we were in fact supposed to be at Royal City Park IN GUELPH... -When I met new people today, and reunited with old people, and when I reminisced of the EARLY Guelph Days. -when i drove home, listening to Kenny Chesney hurting bad, but knowing that someday, somewhere I'll be okay... (not completely believing it, but putting on a damn good show)
It's a process, right? Everything is a process. Right now, I've got this new process thing going on... I'm trying, God knows that I am. That I have been, and that I'll likely keep trying. I've got some pretty big fears going on right now, and it's up to me to conquer them... It's scary. daunting.
But I'm sure that the Big Guy doesn't give anyone more than they can handle... so i'll keep on handling it.
alone, I suppose... my heart really is a wee bit broken right now...
maybe in a couple weeks things will be more clear.
time will be helpful here.
~A
I'm trying. God knows the last few weeks have been a whirlwind of excitement, nervousness, sadness, confusion, and even a little depression. I feel it creeping.
I'd like to pick up healthy practices, and so I'd like to start a daily game of High Low. But I'd like to change it to low high, to focus on the good parts. Yay positivity! I'm going to be as honest as possible...
Today was an insane day.
Low: (I had a couple that were noteworthy) -When I realized that I wouldn't be getting a text message before I went into work. When I watched her walk to the front door and then drove away. When I woke up with the sick feeling in my stomach. When she told me that she was ready to go home.
HighS!: Yes, even on a day like today there were many highs.
-When we had a delicious breakfast together, without much awkwardness, even after all the chats we'd had in the past 24 hours. -When she held me as I cried (something that I haven't done in a VERY VERY long time, and something that felt so very very good!)
-When she was giving me the directions to the bus station, and I realized I wasn't paying a single ounce of attention, but had to smile, because she was so genuine, and helpful, and cute :)
-When Benny and I realized that Victoria Park was NOT the location where we were meaning to go, we were in fact supposed to be at Royal City Park IN GUELPH... -When I met new people today, and reunited with old people, and when I reminisced of the EARLY Guelph Days. -when i drove home, listening to Kenny Chesney hurting bad, but knowing that someday, somewhere I'll be okay... (not completely believing it, but putting on a damn good show)
It's a process, right? Everything is a process. Right now, I've got this new process thing going on... I'm trying, God knows that I am. That I have been, and that I'll likely keep trying. I've got some pretty big fears going on right now, and it's up to me to conquer them... It's scary. daunting.
But I'm sure that the Big Guy doesn't give anyone more than they can handle... so i'll keep on handling it.
alone, I suppose... my heart really is a wee bit broken right now...
maybe in a couple weeks things will be more clear.
time will be helpful here.
~A
Sunday, May 29, 2011
broken hearted man
I'm not sure why i'm feeling so defeated right now.
It's proving to me how much I really did enjoy her company, the relationship we were building, and the thoughts of a future that I did allow myself to have.
I feel like i could just cry all day, and that'd be alright. I wish i had answers.
In this moment: I'd like to be able to get my shit together, figure out what it is that I can afford, and go back to her, place a deal on the table, and start the negotiations.
the feeling of my head in her neck.
the way she's gentle, and loving
the way she wiped my tears, and the way that she kept herself together when I was clearly falling apart.
She is undoubtedly the kind of woman I want beside me in the long run. I hope and pray that I can pull my shit together before it's too late.
plan of action:
-therapy to discuss: relationship, anti depressants, and surgery
-gym to put more positive energy into my life
-less time laying/moping around. life is made to live...
What I do know at this point in time, is that I am better for having met her. What I hope is that in a couple weeks time, I'll have a clearer indication of how I feel, and what I need to do about it.
It may not have had a chance to become love, but it was definitely like, and maybe a little more...
~Al
It's proving to me how much I really did enjoy her company, the relationship we were building, and the thoughts of a future that I did allow myself to have.
I feel like i could just cry all day, and that'd be alright. I wish i had answers.
In this moment: I'd like to be able to get my shit together, figure out what it is that I can afford, and go back to her, place a deal on the table, and start the negotiations.
the feeling of my head in her neck.
the way she's gentle, and loving
the way she wiped my tears, and the way that she kept herself together when I was clearly falling apart.
She is undoubtedly the kind of woman I want beside me in the long run. I hope and pray that I can pull my shit together before it's too late.
plan of action:
-therapy to discuss: relationship, anti depressants, and surgery
-gym to put more positive energy into my life
-less time laying/moping around. life is made to live...
What I do know at this point in time, is that I am better for having met her. What I hope is that in a couple weeks time, I'll have a clearer indication of how I feel, and what I need to do about it.
It may not have had a chance to become love, but it was definitely like, and maybe a little more...
~Al
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