I should be focusing on my upcoming surgery. Three weeks from today is the big day. The life changing, and yet not so changing day. The moment I've waited for since I was five years old and realized the subtle difference between boys and girls. This thing I've wanted in my pants for so long. In this moment: my truth is that I'm treating this as a vacation. My truth is that I haven't yet had a chance to sit down, and actually ponder the gigantic nature of this surgery, and this trip.
When I really stop to think about it, my eyes well up and I start to think back to when I first started this journey. I think about Courtney, and driving to 333 to do my shots. I think about the conversations I had, about being a boy, but not being able to verbalize my feelings. I think about the conversations long ago with my late grandmother, and I wonder if there's any truth to an idea that an old "friend" brought to the table a couple weeks ago.
This is my life. This isn't a fad, this isn't a whim, this isn't a chance I'm taking. And yet, in so many ways, I have no idea what I am doing. I could live like this forever. I'd never know what it'd be like to pee standing up (properly) or what it's like to finally make love to a partner without something FAKE between her and I... I'd never know, but then I don't know what I'm missing right?
I'm struggling a little with "the devil i know" syndrome. I will get through this.
There have been bumps. I was off work for 8 weeks with migraine problems, and my doctor didn't fill out the paperwork properly so I've only received insurance payments for the FIRST week I was off. In the meantime I have booked a condo that cost me $2800, and a flight that was $350. No I don't have any money, and YES I am grateful for the temporary financial support that my parents have given me in the past 24 hours.
These business bumps, have given me an excuse to NOT focus on the medical, physical, emotional changes/challenges that I'm about to embark on.
Somewhere inside of me: I AM FREAKING OUT.
I'm angry at Tat. I shouldn't be doing this alone. I'm angrier at myself for being angry at her. Tonight, I composed the email in my head. The email that tells her that I will never forgive her for leaving the way that she did, or for turning into the person that she did. It was beautiful and hurtful and down to the point, and I think, that if I ever sent it, I'd be setting myself up for big trouble.
I hate this place. Here's where it is: (for the curious readers)
I love her, with all of my heart. (it's romantic isn't it? in a sick pathetic way... Romance at its highest.) I hate her with everything I have. Which is only possible because I love her. But I WILL NEVER trust her again. Which means that somehow I have to keep waiting this thing out. Waiting for the hate to overcome the love until there's nothing left of either. I'd like to be indifferent. I'm not. I wonder if sending this email will help me or hurt me. I know that it's been said "when you're really ready to write the email you won't want to anymore" and I know the fact that I'm still thinking about it, says more about me than it does about her. I know what it says. I'm not a stupid boy. Also: it wouldn't hurt to remind myself a couple more times, that if she hadn't have been such a huge loser, than I likely wouldn't be gearing up for this surgery. I hate myself a little for feeling the way that I do.
So there's that.
There's also the other stuff happening in my life:
I've made it through a work week, and I worked a day of overtime! ("yay" cries my paycheck on Thursday! "yay!") This weekend coming up, is Sheller's birthday Ball. I'm sincerely debating whether I will work the mandatory overtime, or I will call in. My attendance is bad already, and one more day isn't going to make a difference in the least. On the other hand, I'm hurting my attendance, and I could use the "extra" money (haha extra money) to pay for bills coming up. I don't think it's unfair to think that it would be a perfectly acceptable excuse to miss this event for mandatory overtime. I think it would completely bastard-ous of me, if I were to SIGN UP for overtime, but if it's mandated, that's where I'm going to have a tricky time, making a decision.
I built shit. Yeah I did!
J asked me to help her build her bed, and I did, and it was awesome. The whole evening was perfect. the only thing that would have made it better, would have been if neither of us had to work Monday morning, and we could have spent the day in bed. (you know the bed I built) :p
I enjoyed being her "handyman" and it was a nice challenge for me, as I'm not the handiest. While it did take probably 2.5 hours longer than it would have taken my Dad, I did get it built with no major issues (minus the lack of tools problem) Note to self: invest in a multi-purpose screwdriver and leave it in the truck. Maybe a little tool kit wouldn't be the worst investment. :)
I love my truck, but Stanley is very very dirty. This week he MUST get cleaned out.
Tomorrow morning at 10:15 is my doctor's appointment, my work wife has an appointment at 10:45, we're having lunch afterwards, my work wife, and her boyfriend. :) yay
lol
I'm looking forward to meeting the lucky guy, and perhaps sharing a laugh or two with my work buddy :)
On that note, I should likely try for bed.
To recap:
Flights are booked
Condo is booked (cheq is in the mail)
Dr appointment in AM will hopefully produce some results from insurance company
surgery is in less than three weeks
work is going well
i am doing okay
~Agenor
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Distractions
Well I did really good for the first three days back to work, but today was a complete failure. I spent the entire evening in bed sleeping off, what seemed to be a migraine before work, but turned into absolutely nothing by the time 2:05pm hit. Complete failure. Tomorrow marks the last day that I'm able to use over the counter pain meds for my M's. Lets hope they continue to stay at bay.
I have lost the AMAZING condo that I originally wanted, after conversation with both TJ and Matt I've found two condos which are awesome. One is the same style as the last one, with the two single beds, and a king in the master. The other, is a King in the master and a Queen in the guest room. Not bad either way. I'm kinda holding out for the two singles, but only because I like the living room better. Either will be fine I'm sure. :) (I found it a little funny that TJ preferred the condo with the bigger guest bedroom bed, instead of the two. Perhaps I'm enjoying the other condo, because it's against his preferences? I'm a bit of a dick (har har) sometimes.
I'm getting excited, and nervous. Another reason I'm kinda disappointed in myself for not reporting for work today, is that I've been losing weight by working. I know it may sound strange, or it may not, but just doing something for 8 hours, has been so good for my body (not to mention my mind). It's given me a lot of time to think about what is to come. :) Time to think, is something that I wasn't allowing myself when I was off work.
I've got lots of things that I want to do while I'm in Arizona including but not limited to: a hockey game, a baseball game, possibly (if Benny wants) another trip to the Grand Canyon. I'm also looking forward to having some down time, and possibly looking at my book again. I'm sure I'll get a few movies under my belt and it will be good and exciting, of course to have this surgery done and over with. Well the first parts of it, anyway. A long-term commitment of course.
I've lost my focus, and it's getting later and later by the moment.
Work tomorrow, as well as trying to nail down a condo, book some flights, and of course, make sure that my insurance claim is approved, so I have some money to do all of this.
Everything should work out okay, just playing the waiting game.
~Agenor
I have lost the AMAZING condo that I originally wanted, after conversation with both TJ and Matt I've found two condos which are awesome. One is the same style as the last one, with the two single beds, and a king in the master. The other, is a King in the master and a Queen in the guest room. Not bad either way. I'm kinda holding out for the two singles, but only because I like the living room better. Either will be fine I'm sure. :) (I found it a little funny that TJ preferred the condo with the bigger guest bedroom bed, instead of the two. Perhaps I'm enjoying the other condo, because it's against his preferences? I'm a bit of a dick (har har) sometimes.
I'm getting excited, and nervous. Another reason I'm kinda disappointed in myself for not reporting for work today, is that I've been losing weight by working. I know it may sound strange, or it may not, but just doing something for 8 hours, has been so good for my body (not to mention my mind). It's given me a lot of time to think about what is to come. :) Time to think, is something that I wasn't allowing myself when I was off work.
I've got lots of things that I want to do while I'm in Arizona including but not limited to: a hockey game, a baseball game, possibly (if Benny wants) another trip to the Grand Canyon. I'm also looking forward to having some down time, and possibly looking at my book again. I'm sure I'll get a few movies under my belt and it will be good and exciting, of course to have this surgery done and over with. Well the first parts of it, anyway. A long-term commitment of course.
I've lost my focus, and it's getting later and later by the moment.
Work tomorrow, as well as trying to nail down a condo, book some flights, and of course, make sure that my insurance claim is approved, so I have some money to do all of this.
Everything should work out okay, just playing the waiting game.
~Agenor
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
FLYING outta work...
I really should update. Not because SO MUCH has happened, but because something has happened. I went back to work. Instead of the parade complete with streamers, and bells, and clowns on unicycles, perhaps, we can acknowledge it and move on. I'm scared shit-less. I got my first written warning. My first discipline ever in the factory. It's for attendance. My percentage is 1.3% (we're allowed 1%). I've used up my E-Days, I've been on S&A, I've called in twice for personal days, (one of those days was November 15th 2009) holy fuck get OVER it! and I missed a half day (because my supervisor wouldn't give me PERMISSION to leave *i had a killer migraine that I worked through for 3 hours, and then we ran out of work, he had no work for me, and instead of standing around with my thumb up my ass I decided to leave) HOLY FUCK give it up.
Anyway.
I'm not in trouble yet, but because of all of this, the next few times that I leave work, or call in and it's not S&A or an E-Day I need to be aware that it WILL lead me to a write up. (after a write up is a 1 day suspension, and after the 1 day, is a 3 day) when you get that far, they just fire you. You're clearly not learning your lesson.
I will enlist the union to help protect me if I need to. All of this is dependent on my health the next year or so.
I have NO IDEA what surgery will look like. JUST putting it out there. Will I be able to work between my 2nd delay and my release? What will happen when the expanders are in? Will I be going back to work then? How much pain will I be in? What happens if I can't go back to work, and I use up all my E-Days again? How will I manage with my migraines AND my surgery stuff? Good God. I'm in for a stressful bit of time.
The plus side? I feel really good. I got through tonight, and it was an accomplishment. I did well, I got rate, and while I had the write up, it didn't come as a surprise, and I wasn't in a huff about it, it's fine. The supervisor was good too. AND now I know that the lady watching me, is in fact the supervisor. lol tomorrow, I'll remember that...
I'm thinking about size. Trying to decide what I want to ask for, and what seems reasonable. This is crazy. No boy should have to choose this. lol
We're totally irresponsible...
I'm trying so hard to be realistic, and logical. (and I think i'm doing a good job... even tho i have friends egging me on... to be crazy!) ... it's so daunting.
EVERYDAY. FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. NO CHANGE IN SIZE. ALWAYS. 100% OF THE TIME. holy fuck that's scary!
It shouldn't be.
Maybe.
I'm grounded. That's good.
Grounding is good. It means I really am ready, even if there's a few minor things I haven't worked out in my head... I'm ready.
More ready than I ever thought I'd be, which is likely a good thing, considering my flight leaves in 24 days.
HOLY FUCK!
~Agenor
Anyway.
I'm not in trouble yet, but because of all of this, the next few times that I leave work, or call in and it's not S&A or an E-Day I need to be aware that it WILL lead me to a write up. (after a write up is a 1 day suspension, and after the 1 day, is a 3 day) when you get that far, they just fire you. You're clearly not learning your lesson.
I will enlist the union to help protect me if I need to. All of this is dependent on my health the next year or so.
I have NO IDEA what surgery will look like. JUST putting it out there. Will I be able to work between my 2nd delay and my release? What will happen when the expanders are in? Will I be going back to work then? How much pain will I be in? What happens if I can't go back to work, and I use up all my E-Days again? How will I manage with my migraines AND my surgery stuff? Good God. I'm in for a stressful bit of time.
The plus side? I feel really good. I got through tonight, and it was an accomplishment. I did well, I got rate, and while I had the write up, it didn't come as a surprise, and I wasn't in a huff about it, it's fine. The supervisor was good too. AND now I know that the lady watching me, is in fact the supervisor. lol tomorrow, I'll remember that...
I'm thinking about size. Trying to decide what I want to ask for, and what seems reasonable. This is crazy. No boy should have to choose this. lol
We're totally irresponsible...
I'm trying so hard to be realistic, and logical. (and I think i'm doing a good job... even tho i have friends egging me on... to be crazy!) ... it's so daunting.
EVERYDAY. FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. NO CHANGE IN SIZE. ALWAYS. 100% OF THE TIME. holy fuck that's scary!
It shouldn't be.
Maybe.
I'm grounded. That's good.
Grounding is good. It means I really am ready, even if there's a few minor things I haven't worked out in my head... I'm ready.
More ready than I ever thought I'd be, which is likely a good thing, considering my flight leaves in 24 days.
HOLY FUCK!
~Agenor
Sunday, September 18, 2011
How about we name her "expensive?"
I've been sitting with my new laptop floating around in my head. Thinking about how pretty she will be, and how irresponsible it was to make the purchase. I've be thinking about how it really didn't do anything to ease any of my anxiety, or anything... Yeah. But I'm looking forward to her coming home, all the same. Daddy's girl.
If I can't have a puppy, then I might as well have a laptop, right?
Money is working it's way out. I hope, pray and will do any rain dances that the God(s) (or no God(s)) would like me to do, in order to keep these migraines at bay when I go back to work. I can do this I know that I can. One thing I'm noticing: my glasses are playing an important role. I've been migraine free for a week. *yay* that doesn't mean I won't get my ass kicked next week, but since I'm going back to work, what it does mean is that I will be working through them. I *think* that dropping off the Celexa will be enough to limit them. *EVERYONE CROSS FINGERS, TOES, AND EYES!!*
I'm *ALMOST* looking forward to going back to work, and if I wasn't so damned lightheaded (due to this sinus infection/head cold thinger FML) then I'd be trying to get back to work tonight. Not even so much for the money, but so I can go back and see my friends! :) Deano, Andy, Salina and the girls!! Awe. I miss them.
Anyway.
I think for now, I'm gonna have another nap. Even if I'm up all night tonight that's okay, cause I'll be going back on midnights, tomorrow.
I can't believe my family doctor is such a dick.
The end.
~Agenor
If I can't have a puppy, then I might as well have a laptop, right?
Money is working it's way out. I hope, pray and will do any rain dances that the God(s) (or no God(s)) would like me to do, in order to keep these migraines at bay when I go back to work. I can do this I know that I can. One thing I'm noticing: my glasses are playing an important role. I've been migraine free for a week. *yay* that doesn't mean I won't get my ass kicked next week, but since I'm going back to work, what it does mean is that I will be working through them. I *think* that dropping off the Celexa will be enough to limit them. *EVERYONE CROSS FINGERS, TOES, AND EYES!!*
I'm *ALMOST* looking forward to going back to work, and if I wasn't so damned lightheaded (due to this sinus infection/head cold thinger FML) then I'd be trying to get back to work tonight. Not even so much for the money, but so I can go back and see my friends! :) Deano, Andy, Salina and the girls!! Awe. I miss them.
Anyway.
I think for now, I'm gonna have another nap. Even if I'm up all night tonight that's okay, cause I'll be going back on midnights, tomorrow.
I can't believe my family doctor is such a dick.
The end.
~Agenor
Thursday, September 15, 2011
a day of thoughts and thinking? No. A full day of stuff and things.
I haven't done it in so long, and while I know right now it's totally irresponsible... it felt somewhat exhilarating. I'm feeling a large amount of guilt right now, but I'll get over it. I'll enlist TJ to help me justify the purchase.
It felt good to be approved. I know, I know.
Today was a brutal day. I called the bank first thing, and the lady was rude, but I did get a big break on my phone bill. Such a great experience getting good customer service, so unfamiliar! I went to the doctor, and was faced with his bullshit. He doesn't want to fill out the paperwork for the time that I've had off thus far. I asked my neurologist to fill out my paperwork for sick and act.
I feel slightly bad about it, but in all honesty, I've seen Dr.Kara 10 times since July 25th, and he's billing OHIP every time I go in... yet he hasn't filled out my paperwork since I've been going in to see him yet. I haven't seen a dime.
I had a nice chat with HR today as well, and I think I've got the jist of what's going to happen. Now that I'm off the Celexa I'm really hoping my migraines stay at bay. They've got to. That's really the only thing that's changed. I've been recommended to see a chiropractor, take supplements, do a cleanse, avoid chocolate, coke, cheese, red wine (not a problem), ect. I've been watching my triggers, trying to get appropriate sleep, ect. The only thing that I haven't done, and I think I need to, is check my room for mold. Since we did get water last winter/spring, I think it's appropriate to check, and living in the basement I'd be the one affected, no one else would be. Sound familiar!?
I enjoyed helping Jess today. It was nice for so many reasons. One: I'm enjoying the time we're spending together, with low/no expectations, where I can be myself around her, and just enjoy her company without a whole lot of stress. I enjoy her sense of humor, and I'm learning more and more about her, as we go. It was also REALLY good for me to get out of the house, and do something for someone else. She was generous as well (as she always is) and treated me to a delicious lunch. A day that started out disappointing, ended on a much better note.
I had a bit of trouble at Best Buy. I didn't qualify for their store card, I kinda knew that was going to happen, but I think that somewhere in my head/heart I thought maybe I'd qualify.
When I came home I applied online at Dell, and was approved (to the best of my knowledge, it SAID approved, time will tell) It's done, time to move on.
I called Allison at the Holiday Inn Express in Scottsdale that I may possibly be staying at. When I was down in May she quoted me $650/month for November and December, and made it clear that she couldn't offer me rates like that in January as their season got quite busy at that time... Not a problem, in fact I was ecstatic with those rates, such a help to me. When I called her back today, she told me that the rates I'd be looking at were something like 3 times the rate she quoted me back in May. from $20/night to $60/night.
What a fucking difference!! So with rates like that I certainly won't be staying there for the full 70 days. I'm going to go home for three weeks I think. There's no way I can justify spending that kind of money.
This brings me back to work. I really need to get back to work, as soon as possible. I'm not sure whether it's the lights, the stress or what, but as soon as I get there I get sick. Maybe I will try again on Monday and see what happens... Again, being off the celexa and on the beta blockers SHOULD help. *I hope.
It's time for bed... exhaustion is near.
~Agenor
It felt good to be approved. I know, I know.
Today was a brutal day. I called the bank first thing, and the lady was rude, but I did get a big break on my phone bill. Such a great experience getting good customer service, so unfamiliar! I went to the doctor, and was faced with his bullshit. He doesn't want to fill out the paperwork for the time that I've had off thus far. I asked my neurologist to fill out my paperwork for sick and act.
I feel slightly bad about it, but in all honesty, I've seen Dr.Kara 10 times since July 25th, and he's billing OHIP every time I go in... yet he hasn't filled out my paperwork since I've been going in to see him yet. I haven't seen a dime.
I had a nice chat with HR today as well, and I think I've got the jist of what's going to happen. Now that I'm off the Celexa I'm really hoping my migraines stay at bay. They've got to. That's really the only thing that's changed. I've been recommended to see a chiropractor, take supplements, do a cleanse, avoid chocolate, coke, cheese, red wine (not a problem), ect. I've been watching my triggers, trying to get appropriate sleep, ect. The only thing that I haven't done, and I think I need to, is check my room for mold. Since we did get water last winter/spring, I think it's appropriate to check, and living in the basement I'd be the one affected, no one else would be. Sound familiar!?
I enjoyed helping Jess today. It was nice for so many reasons. One: I'm enjoying the time we're spending together, with low/no expectations, where I can be myself around her, and just enjoy her company without a whole lot of stress. I enjoy her sense of humor, and I'm learning more and more about her, as we go. It was also REALLY good for me to get out of the house, and do something for someone else. She was generous as well (as she always is) and treated me to a delicious lunch. A day that started out disappointing, ended on a much better note.
I had a bit of trouble at Best Buy. I didn't qualify for their store card, I kinda knew that was going to happen, but I think that somewhere in my head/heart I thought maybe I'd qualify.
When I came home I applied online at Dell, and was approved (to the best of my knowledge, it SAID approved, time will tell) It's done, time to move on.
I called Allison at the Holiday Inn Express in Scottsdale that I may possibly be staying at. When I was down in May she quoted me $650/month for November and December, and made it clear that she couldn't offer me rates like that in January as their season got quite busy at that time... Not a problem, in fact I was ecstatic with those rates, such a help to me. When I called her back today, she told me that the rates I'd be looking at were something like 3 times the rate she quoted me back in May. from $20/night to $60/night.
What a fucking difference!! So with rates like that I certainly won't be staying there for the full 70 days. I'm going to go home for three weeks I think. There's no way I can justify spending that kind of money.
This brings me back to work. I really need to get back to work, as soon as possible. I'm not sure whether it's the lights, the stress or what, but as soon as I get there I get sick. Maybe I will try again on Monday and see what happens... Again, being off the celexa and on the beta blockers SHOULD help. *I hope.
It's time for bed... exhaustion is near.
~Agenor
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
In a little better mood, solitude is helpful
Fifteen minutes in the bathtub, and I'm a new man. I went in very very grumpy, I could feel the ants marching. While in there, I had some candles lit, and the jets on, and I just sat, and relaxed. I thought how much I enjoy these little tubbies. I thought about what will change after surgery, and how I won't be able to enjoy them quite the same. Temperatures may be a little different for me... I also thought about what it will be like down there. I'm trying to find a positive spin on all of my frustrations and aggravations.
After a complete falling out with the mama tonight, I'm exhausted, and oh so thankful for the massage that I have scheduled for tomorrow morning.
Since benefits pay for them, I might as well use them up, and it's apparent that I won't get much of an opportunity while I'm in the States.
Money issue: I realized that when I return, I'll be able to claim: my eye glasses, hotel receipts, flights and possibly SOME expenses that I incur while I'm down there. MEDICAL. This is a great thing! I should be able to recover SOME of my costs, and I'll be able to either put that money towards the next stages, or try to clear out some of the line of credit.
The less money that I owe mom, and the sooner that it happens, the better for everyone involved: mostly me!
I'm really banking on the idea that the Celexa increased the frequency of my migraines. I'm really hoping that's the case. I stopped taking it all together last Friday. Dr. Kara doesn't remember the things he says from one visit to the next. One visit, (while my mother was in there THANK YOU VERY MUCH) he mentioned that the Celexa could be causing the increase. (luckily mom didn't pick up on that... her and her aversion to anti-depressants, but her strange preference for anti-anxiety meds... Complete contradiction....
Now that I've got that in the back of my mind (that I can claim some of my expenses as medical on my income tax) I'm feeling a lot less stressed... And now at least I know if I do have to borrow from other sources while I'm down there, that I will have the money to pay back.
I need to get back to work. I'm feeling increasingly depressed, useless, and naturally bored. I'm not occupying my days as well as I could be, and today's activity left me feeling slightly violated. Since I am being so tight with my money, it was quite difficult for me to watch $20.00 go right down the drain at the post office, due to a handling fee they charge for doing my passport there. Had I known there was a $20.00 handling fee on top of the extra 10 business day wait for my passport to come in, I would have surely put the $20.00 in my truck for gas and had a road trip down to Kitchener for the day. I know it's not much, but it's enough to get me out of the house. I'm trying to pinch pennies.
For groceries this week I got: 2 pkgs of Pasta, 2 jars of pasta sauce, a box of cheerios, and 2 bags of salad. So lets hope that I can keep my taste buds more occupied than I can my mind/body... There certainly isn't much room for diversity in that grocery bag. It's a small thing.
I'm thinking too, about starting up my gym membership for the next few weeks. I'll be able to stop it again, when i head back down to Arizona for surgery. Something I've been thinking about. My doctor isn't going to be the happiest though, I'm sure. I know he's definitely getting sick of me. I don't know what else to do though, I'm working on it.
Watching triggers, and trying to abort as soon as I can, but the tripitans don't work very well for me at all... I'm working with the Tylenol 3's now, to see if I get results.
All in good time I suppose.
For now, I'm getting tired, even though I didn't really do too much today, and I did have a nice long nap this evening... I suppose I'm boring myself to sleep? OR maybe my body really does need the rest.
Massage in the morning, and perhaps I'll get some writing done. Who knows!?!
~Agenor
After a complete falling out with the mama tonight, I'm exhausted, and oh so thankful for the massage that I have scheduled for tomorrow morning.
Since benefits pay for them, I might as well use them up, and it's apparent that I won't get much of an opportunity while I'm in the States.
Money issue: I realized that when I return, I'll be able to claim: my eye glasses, hotel receipts, flights and possibly SOME expenses that I incur while I'm down there. MEDICAL. This is a great thing! I should be able to recover SOME of my costs, and I'll be able to either put that money towards the next stages, or try to clear out some of the line of credit.
The less money that I owe mom, and the sooner that it happens, the better for everyone involved: mostly me!
I'm really banking on the idea that the Celexa increased the frequency of my migraines. I'm really hoping that's the case. I stopped taking it all together last Friday. Dr. Kara doesn't remember the things he says from one visit to the next. One visit, (while my mother was in there THANK YOU VERY MUCH) he mentioned that the Celexa could be causing the increase. (luckily mom didn't pick up on that... her and her aversion to anti-depressants, but her strange preference for anti-anxiety meds... Complete contradiction....
Now that I've got that in the back of my mind (that I can claim some of my expenses as medical on my income tax) I'm feeling a lot less stressed... And now at least I know if I do have to borrow from other sources while I'm down there, that I will have the money to pay back.
I need to get back to work. I'm feeling increasingly depressed, useless, and naturally bored. I'm not occupying my days as well as I could be, and today's activity left me feeling slightly violated. Since I am being so tight with my money, it was quite difficult for me to watch $20.00 go right down the drain at the post office, due to a handling fee they charge for doing my passport there. Had I known there was a $20.00 handling fee on top of the extra 10 business day wait for my passport to come in, I would have surely put the $20.00 in my truck for gas and had a road trip down to Kitchener for the day. I know it's not much, but it's enough to get me out of the house. I'm trying to pinch pennies.
For groceries this week I got: 2 pkgs of Pasta, 2 jars of pasta sauce, a box of cheerios, and 2 bags of salad. So lets hope that I can keep my taste buds more occupied than I can my mind/body... There certainly isn't much room for diversity in that grocery bag. It's a small thing.
I'm thinking too, about starting up my gym membership for the next few weeks. I'll be able to stop it again, when i head back down to Arizona for surgery. Something I've been thinking about. My doctor isn't going to be the happiest though, I'm sure. I know he's definitely getting sick of me. I don't know what else to do though, I'm working on it.
Watching triggers, and trying to abort as soon as I can, but the tripitans don't work very well for me at all... I'm working with the Tylenol 3's now, to see if I get results.
All in good time I suppose.
For now, I'm getting tired, even though I didn't really do too much today, and I did have a nice long nap this evening... I suppose I'm boring myself to sleep? OR maybe my body really does need the rest.
Massage in the morning, and perhaps I'll get some writing done. Who knows!?!
~Agenor
Monday, September 12, 2011
turned into a little bit of a bitch... eep
I've been going crazy, or as crazy as I'm allowing myself to go. In my last helpless post, I made mention that my migraines are overshadowing something very VERY important, and that's true... My migraines are overshadowing the fact that in 35 days I'll be IN Arizona, and either BE, or be going Under the knife. My emotions range from over the moon excited, to completely and utterly disappointed in myself. I have not lost ANY weight, in fact, yet again, I'm back at my highest weight of life, and I'm so disappointed. I have enough time to lose the weight that I already lost, and perhaps, since I have some time off work I can get it done in a little quicker manner, by going to the gym, and possibly building some muscle (which burns the fat) I can hope, and pray and work really hard towards that. Again, completely disappointed in myself.
I haven't saved nearly enough money, and I haven't been working (and there isn't any real plan to go back to work before I leave) which renders me entirely broke, and a little stressing about money. I don't have any bonds, or savings, I don't have anywhere to look for money, and when I talked to my mom about money, her response is "we can't help you, you're doing this one on your own." I'm not sure if she's stupid, or just broke herself (I'm leaning towards the first one, since they're going on a cruise in March, and she continues to go to Bingo 8 days a week). The only reason I would ever suggest her stupidity in this matter (because she's not stupid for not helping me financially, as my parents already do so much for me, that they don't have to) -she reminds me of this *headdesk* is that I wonder if NOW is the most appropriate time to try to teach me responsibility, and money management. is NOW really the best time to decide to cut me off? Right now? Right before I have the biggest surgery of my life, the most important surgery of my life... this day will likely be more important to me than my fucking wedding day, and NOW is when she decides that she doesn't have any more money to lend to me?
The trouble I have, is that I pay my bills, and I do work hard (when I'm not ill, and I'm able to work) and I go to work, when I can, and all that fun stuff, and while yes, they DO VERY MUCH have their necks out far far far for me (I'm totally sounding like an ungrateful dick) I do consistently keep up with my obligations and responsibilities. The problem I have, is every now and then Ron and Jen get stuck and mom opens her pocket book for them, and there's no payback. So I *almost* feel like I'm being punished, while I am working hard to pay back the monies that I owe her... I hate my mom and money together in the same sentence, it's exhausting to say the very least.
She has no idea how redick she sounds, either, when she says things around a campfire like "Oh, well we'll have to see, we certainly won't be able to pick you up in Detroit, that's a lot to ask, ect, ect." I do kind of feel like she's sabotaging this whole thing. And while she's saying those things around a fire, with other people, who aren't in our immediate family, she's making herself look like a tool.
We have our moments, I know right now I'm just having more of them, because I'm home, and Momzilla, has a tiny asian (that'd be me) to kick around while I'm off... I know she's stressed, I don't blame her, but she handles it like crap.
I'm the kid, by the way. I'm not the adult, I'm not supposed to be her support network, she is supposed to be a part of mine.
I'm more and more so thankful for my friends.
I've got a list of shit to do this week, and I'm looking forward to getting on that. I'm slightly concerned about what happens with my work, and insurance, with regards to my sick pay, so I'm hoping to get some answers tomorrow... I'm also hoping that my migraines stay at bay so that I maybe can get a couple shifts in at work.
I do realize I spent this entire post bitching about my mom, part of me is a little sorry that I wasted my time doing that, but apparently I needed to vent, and what better place...
Perhaps it's bed time?
~Agenor
I haven't saved nearly enough money, and I haven't been working (and there isn't any real plan to go back to work before I leave) which renders me entirely broke, and a little stressing about money. I don't have any bonds, or savings, I don't have anywhere to look for money, and when I talked to my mom about money, her response is "we can't help you, you're doing this one on your own." I'm not sure if she's stupid, or just broke herself (I'm leaning towards the first one, since they're going on a cruise in March, and she continues to go to Bingo 8 days a week). The only reason I would ever suggest her stupidity in this matter (because she's not stupid for not helping me financially, as my parents already do so much for me, that they don't have to) -she reminds me of this *headdesk* is that I wonder if NOW is the most appropriate time to try to teach me responsibility, and money management. is NOW really the best time to decide to cut me off? Right now? Right before I have the biggest surgery of my life, the most important surgery of my life... this day will likely be more important to me than my fucking wedding day, and NOW is when she decides that she doesn't have any more money to lend to me?
The trouble I have, is that I pay my bills, and I do work hard (when I'm not ill, and I'm able to work) and I go to work, when I can, and all that fun stuff, and while yes, they DO VERY MUCH have their necks out far far far for me (I'm totally sounding like an ungrateful dick) I do consistently keep up with my obligations and responsibilities. The problem I have, is every now and then Ron and Jen get stuck and mom opens her pocket book for them, and there's no payback. So I *almost* feel like I'm being punished, while I am working hard to pay back the monies that I owe her... I hate my mom and money together in the same sentence, it's exhausting to say the very least.
She has no idea how redick she sounds, either, when she says things around a campfire like "Oh, well we'll have to see, we certainly won't be able to pick you up in Detroit, that's a lot to ask, ect, ect." I do kind of feel like she's sabotaging this whole thing. And while she's saying those things around a fire, with other people, who aren't in our immediate family, she's making herself look like a tool.
We have our moments, I know right now I'm just having more of them, because I'm home, and Momzilla, has a tiny asian (that'd be me) to kick around while I'm off... I know she's stressed, I don't blame her, but she handles it like crap.
I'm the kid, by the way. I'm not the adult, I'm not supposed to be her support network, she is supposed to be a part of mine.
I'm more and more so thankful for my friends.
I've got a list of shit to do this week, and I'm looking forward to getting on that. I'm slightly concerned about what happens with my work, and insurance, with regards to my sick pay, so I'm hoping to get some answers tomorrow... I'm also hoping that my migraines stay at bay so that I maybe can get a couple shifts in at work.
I do realize I spent this entire post bitching about my mom, part of me is a little sorry that I wasted my time doing that, but apparently I needed to vent, and what better place...
Perhaps it's bed time?
~Agenor
Thursday, September 8, 2011
the sick little boy's cry for help
Here it is: my bitch for the day.
There may be a couple. First of all I'm pissed that my migraines are overshadowing the fact that I've booked my surgery date, for October (and that's very soon) I should be jumping up and down and celebrating like crazy. I am in my head, (oops poor choice of words I suppose) it's just hard to be active about it.
I went back to work today. Well kind of. I started to go back to work today. I got in the doors, punched in, and went to my work station. Said hello to everyone, and then about 45 minutes later got hit with one hell of a migraine. So I went to work today, but I didn't stay very long. Just the fact that I punched in, was enough for me to fuck up my sick pay. So that's good.
I have had a migraine for three days. Tuesday was a minor one due to too much sleep, Wednesday was due to eating crappy before going to bed and the weather may have had something to do with it too, today's migraine I have no explanation and I'm feeling very gross even now.
Mom came home from work, long enough to yell and scream at me, and make me feel worse than I already did, and she left for Bingo. So that's good. Dad's doing his own thing. I'm trying to just chill out, and relax a little, but my truth is, that I don't have a plan. I've gone over my bills and I can minimize them quite a bit, make my lifestyle affordable, even with my truck. But as much as it may be a little easier, I don't want to go on disability. It's a reality now, that I may have to face.
There's no reason, no explanation. I don't hate my job. In fact, I kind of like it (don't tell anyone). So where do I go from here?
What do I do?
Arizona is in 39 days, I'll be down there for 70, and I really need sick pay to cover me... am I going to end up going on long term disability until I can get this migraine thing under control? Is this an opportunity in disguise? What will I end up doing?
I need some answers, so if there is anyone out there who reads this, give me some answers.
~Agenor
There may be a couple. First of all I'm pissed that my migraines are overshadowing the fact that I've booked my surgery date, for October (and that's very soon) I should be jumping up and down and celebrating like crazy. I am in my head, (oops poor choice of words I suppose) it's just hard to be active about it.
I went back to work today. Well kind of. I started to go back to work today. I got in the doors, punched in, and went to my work station. Said hello to everyone, and then about 45 minutes later got hit with one hell of a migraine. So I went to work today, but I didn't stay very long. Just the fact that I punched in, was enough for me to fuck up my sick pay. So that's good.
I have had a migraine for three days. Tuesday was a minor one due to too much sleep, Wednesday was due to eating crappy before going to bed and the weather may have had something to do with it too, today's migraine I have no explanation and I'm feeling very gross even now.
Mom came home from work, long enough to yell and scream at me, and make me feel worse than I already did, and she left for Bingo. So that's good. Dad's doing his own thing. I'm trying to just chill out, and relax a little, but my truth is, that I don't have a plan. I've gone over my bills and I can minimize them quite a bit, make my lifestyle affordable, even with my truck. But as much as it may be a little easier, I don't want to go on disability. It's a reality now, that I may have to face.
There's no reason, no explanation. I don't hate my job. In fact, I kind of like it (don't tell anyone). So where do I go from here?
What do I do?
Arizona is in 39 days, I'll be down there for 70, and I really need sick pay to cover me... am I going to end up going on long term disability until I can get this migraine thing under control? Is this an opportunity in disguise? What will I end up doing?
I need some answers, so if there is anyone out there who reads this, give me some answers.
~Agenor
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
The end of sick leave, and the beginning of hard work ahead
Well, it's over. My work-free summer is over. I talked to my HR rep this afternoon after my doctor's appointment, and I'm going back to work tomorrow. There's still so much that I'd like to get done before I go back, like clean out my truck, get groceries, do a few errands, but all of that is manageable. One thing I've learned is that I'm not very good at time management. I think a big part of that, is while I'm working, I'm always worried about not enjoying my time off, so I'm slow to make commitments, or plans for fear that I'll change my mind, and simply want to spend time alone. I think that as long as I keep SOME time for myself, that I'd like to try to get a little better with my relationships outside of work.
I'm looking forward to making some money. A paycheck WILL be a nice thing to have. All of the monies I receive from my insurance for being off work, is going straight back to TJ. It's part of his money that he put aside for savings. I'd like to pay off my credit card (again) and then work on banking banking banking for AZ. I should be able to. I need to cool it on the fast food/ restaurant eating, but with going back to work, I think that will be easy. I looked at some of my money last week, and realized that I took out over $800 in cash for the month of August. Holy fuck, what was I spending my cash on? I spent over $300 at eating establishments (on debit, that's NOT including the stuff I paid cash for) It's not too terribly bad when I consider my ON DEBIT gas was only 170, and my misc spending (on Debit) was only 150, so clearly a lot of the cash went to that. It was crazy. When I was going through bankruptcy I spent a lot of my time understanding WHERE exactly my money was going. I think starting this month (September) I'm going to really try to watch where my money goes, and keep track.
My weight is up. Yes, I know, I've been off work for two months, but I was really disappointed, when I spent the first few weeks in Toronto walking around everywhere, trying to limit the Cash I was spending on TTC, and trying to get a litt1`le exercise. Totally bummed out when I saw the scale go up, instead of down. NOW it's safe to say that I have gained back ALL of the weight that I lost when I was on the weight watchers program. The only major problem I have with this, is that it's NOW September. I will be receiving my letter of approval in the next week. (I should have it by Friday) Which means I can book my surgery date. Two of my "major complaints" right now are: money and my weight. I need to sort both out before my surgery date. SO: as much as I would LOVE to have my surgery start in October, I'm not sure that I can lose 15lbs (which is what I was down to before) AND have 3,000 saved up. (I figure 3,000 will cover 3 months of hotel (at 650/month) and 1 flight out of Toronto (600) -I'm not convinced that it will be less expensive to fly out of Detroit, considering the parking fees...
So while, I'm a little anxious about going back to work, I'm also slightly excited. It hasn't QUITE hit me yet, that I'll be going back in 15 hours, but if I think about it too much, I think my stress will rise. I need to do everything I can to get a good nights sleep tonight and wake up after 8 hours of sleep. I had a bit of a migraine today, due to over sleep. I feel like I wasted my day as well. My room is in NO better a state than it was when I went to bed, in fact, it's likely in a worse state.
Things I want to do before I go back to work:
-groceries
-clean stanley out
-fill prescriptions
-do my shot
-print off my bank statement and forward to Sunlife (they made a minor mistake that cost me an NSF charge)
-file for reimbursement for my massage (yay for health insurance)
-start the pushup challenge (tomorrow morning?)
things I got done today:
-doctors' appointment -took me two tries
-the journal entry I wanted to do (you're reading it)
-my laundry
-i started my migraine journal, so I can keep some kind of track
-and MOST of my laundry is done
-i also got through the clothes that Benny sent home with me :)**motivation to lose a few inches**
-i watched Billy Maddison for the first time, and I also watched "alone in my house... with you" cute.
This is a picture of the OUTDOOR swimming pool that was at the hotel in Barrie. If you look closely you can see an Al on the far right hand side... walking away... This will be the last time that I swim in an outdoor pool for the next (possibly) couple of years... All going well it will be well worth it...
I should do what I can to get the most out of the indoor swimming pools in the area.
~Agenor
I'm looking forward to making some money. A paycheck WILL be a nice thing to have. All of the monies I receive from my insurance for being off work, is going straight back to TJ. It's part of his money that he put aside for savings. I'd like to pay off my credit card (again) and then work on banking banking banking for AZ. I should be able to. I need to cool it on the fast food/ restaurant eating, but with going back to work, I think that will be easy. I looked at some of my money last week, and realized that I took out over $800 in cash for the month of August. Holy fuck, what was I spending my cash on? I spent over $300 at eating establishments (on debit, that's NOT including the stuff I paid cash for) It's not too terribly bad when I consider my ON DEBIT gas was only 170, and my misc spending (on Debit) was only 150, so clearly a lot of the cash went to that. It was crazy. When I was going through bankruptcy I spent a lot of my time understanding WHERE exactly my money was going. I think starting this month (September) I'm going to really try to watch where my money goes, and keep track.
My weight is up. Yes, I know, I've been off work for two months, but I was really disappointed, when I spent the first few weeks in Toronto walking around everywhere, trying to limit the Cash I was spending on TTC, and trying to get a litt1`le exercise. Totally bummed out when I saw the scale go up, instead of down. NOW it's safe to say that I have gained back ALL of the weight that I lost when I was on the weight watchers program. The only major problem I have with this, is that it's NOW September. I will be receiving my letter of approval in the next week. (I should have it by Friday) Which means I can book my surgery date. Two of my "major complaints" right now are: money and my weight. I need to sort both out before my surgery date. SO: as much as I would LOVE to have my surgery start in October, I'm not sure that I can lose 15lbs (which is what I was down to before) AND have 3,000 saved up. (I figure 3,000 will cover 3 months of hotel (at 650/month) and 1 flight out of Toronto (600) -I'm not convinced that it will be less expensive to fly out of Detroit, considering the parking fees...
So while, I'm a little anxious about going back to work, I'm also slightly excited. It hasn't QUITE hit me yet, that I'll be going back in 15 hours, but if I think about it too much, I think my stress will rise. I need to do everything I can to get a good nights sleep tonight and wake up after 8 hours of sleep. I had a bit of a migraine today, due to over sleep. I feel like I wasted my day as well. My room is in NO better a state than it was when I went to bed, in fact, it's likely in a worse state.
Things I want to do before I go back to work:
-groceries
-clean stanley out
-fill prescriptions
-do my shot
-print off my bank statement and forward to Sunlife (they made a minor mistake that cost me an NSF charge)
-file for reimbursement for my massage (yay for health insurance)
-start the pushup challenge (tomorrow morning?)
things I got done today:
-doctors' appointment -took me two tries
-the journal entry I wanted to do (you're reading it)
-my laundry
-i started my migraine journal, so I can keep some kind of track
-and MOST of my laundry is done
-i also got through the clothes that Benny sent home with me :)**motivation to lose a few inches**
-i watched Billy Maddison for the first time, and I also watched "alone in my house... with you" cute.
I should do what I can to get the most out of the indoor swimming pools in the area.
~Agenor
Friday, September 2, 2011
A means to an end
We talked lots, my roommate and I, about lots of things. We always do, and I love it. We talk about lots of things, but one thing I want to focus on right now is: lifestyle expectations, and consequences. To put this simply (as my already over exhausted head can't take much more than simple) The things that I want: surgery, a nice truck, freedom, a puppy. My job: factory work. Does it afford me the luxuries and lifestyle that I want, and am accustomed to? YES. My job is a means to an end.
Would many other jobs afford me the same luxuries? Of course. Am I qualified for them? Not really, no. Without a university education, I'm having a hard time finding a job that is suitable for me, that isn't in a factory. That being said, I *could be* well above a factory job. I am the type of person who is good at *almost* anything I do, and I learn quickly. Physical labour is hard on the body, and by the time I reach a retirement age I will be a broken bodied man. (well if I'm SUPPOSED to be thinking about RRSP's I might as well be thinking about my poor body, too!)
Anyway, the end result of all of my thinking about Toronto, as much as I've loved spending my summer there, is that I can't get the same means to my end there. *sigh*
And, I think that's all i've got tonight.
ironic that i'm stressing about money but sitting in a hotel room in Barrie, that my friend and I rented for 4 nights $400 /2, (i'm stressing about money) and we saw a $40 play (i'm stressing about money) last night's pizza cost us each $17 (i'm stressing about money) and we still have two more meals to pay for (i'm stressing about money) and i'm going to need a tank of gas to get us home (i'm stressing about money)
I've got to say, how much I am looking forward to getting back to work, getting into some kind of a routine, and getting shit taken care of. Eating better, exercising a little, and just feeling better again. I've gained 15lbs since I've been off work. Holy shit. Being lethargic, lazy, and eating lots of crap food, and drinking more than my weight in coke... bad bad boy!
next week will be better!:)
~Agenor
Would many other jobs afford me the same luxuries? Of course. Am I qualified for them? Not really, no. Without a university education, I'm having a hard time finding a job that is suitable for me, that isn't in a factory. That being said, I *could be* well above a factory job. I am the type of person who is good at *almost* anything I do, and I learn quickly. Physical labour is hard on the body, and by the time I reach a retirement age I will be a broken bodied man. (well if I'm SUPPOSED to be thinking about RRSP's I might as well be thinking about my poor body, too!)
Anyway, the end result of all of my thinking about Toronto, as much as I've loved spending my summer there, is that I can't get the same means to my end there. *sigh*
And, I think that's all i've got tonight.
ironic that i'm stressing about money but sitting in a hotel room in Barrie, that my friend and I rented for 4 nights $400 /2, (i'm stressing about money) and we saw a $40 play (i'm stressing about money) last night's pizza cost us each $17 (i'm stressing about money) and we still have two more meals to pay for (i'm stressing about money) and i'm going to need a tank of gas to get us home (i'm stressing about money)
I've got to say, how much I am looking forward to getting back to work, getting into some kind of a routine, and getting shit taken care of. Eating better, exercising a little, and just feeling better again. I've gained 15lbs since I've been off work. Holy shit. Being lethargic, lazy, and eating lots of crap food, and drinking more than my weight in coke... bad bad boy!
next week will be better!:)
~Agenor
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