This was a pretty jam packed weekend. Lots of things on the go. I don't think I slept much on Friday, but I managed to have a pretty good day. We had a Safe Space meeting on Friday, where I think we're STARTING to make headway. I had a good chat with Princess about what it means to me, and how everything really IS a process.
After the meeting I went over to see Boss. She was in town with her husband, because his Dad was ill. He passed away last night. Grandpa Dave.
I went to meet the girl's friends, and her sister. It was a good evening, and I think everyone had fun. I have forgotten how much I do just enjoy playing games. I definitely need to take Sheller up on her offers of game nights more often, and I THINK I have a new game that she will love! :)
I spent the night in this luxurious king bed, with a beautiful girl... AND I slept like a baby! :)
On the way home from the game night we stopped at Macs Milk, so that the girls could get snacks. (there was wine at the party)
I checked my winning lottery ticket, and found that I won 78 bucks on Lotto 649. Which is the equivalent to the time that I won 120 on my Lotto Max ticket. This time, it wasn't quite AS exciting... but it wasn't as devestating as last time either. :)
I'm surrounding myself with good people... and while I don't know what the future holds for me, I'm really happy to have all the people I do, in my life now. :) I'm also pretty lucky.
~Agenor
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Punch in the belly!
I was going to write about being awake at this crazy ass hour, about seeing my friend last night, and about some of the other amazing people and things in my life. I was going to ramble on about this and that, and I still may.
I've got itunes playing, and all of a sudden a song knocks me back to when I'm 17. She was my second girlfriend, and caused me a world of hurt. I never understood relationships too well, and she though she was younger, had a pretty good grasp. She was a pro.
"I think you might find, that your friends would forgive you, maybe I am, just speaking for me... Cause when I look around, I think this, this is good enough... I try to laugh at what life brings, when i look down, I miss all the good things, when I look up, I just trip over things... I've got no illusions about you, when I said i'd take you, I meant as is"...
She's singing it to me, we're laying in her bed, and I'm in this state of complete and utter ignorance. And where I come from, that's a form of bliss.
I wonder how many other people can be knocked around by certain triggers? Songs? smells? Sounds? sights? even tastes? We are a peculiar bunch, people. I suspect.
Anyway,
The good things I've got going on right now, in no particular order:
And I believe that my long lost friend and I have a tea date this afternoon!
Oh! and there's this girl... I've been kind of seeing her for a little while... and tonight is a big night for us. We're spending some time with her friends. I'm a little nervous, because I think that she's of the school that I'm a pretty good guy, so I don't want to make a bad impression infront of her friends. I'm sure I'll be fine, but it's something in the back of my mind that I worry about. I feel pretty relaxed overall. For the most part we're on the same page with most things, so that puts me at ease.
I wish that I was in a stronger place, and that I could be more secure with myself. But something, I learned at therapy this week, is that I'm likely in a healthier place, being a little less secure, it means that i MAY not rush in as quickly, or blindly as I have in the past. I'm looking forward to building something with a foundation!
So far it's going well...
that is all.
~Agenor
I've got itunes playing, and all of a sudden a song knocks me back to when I'm 17. She was my second girlfriend, and caused me a world of hurt. I never understood relationships too well, and she though she was younger, had a pretty good grasp. She was a pro.
"I think you might find, that your friends would forgive you, maybe I am, just speaking for me... Cause when I look around, I think this, this is good enough... I try to laugh at what life brings, when i look down, I miss all the good things, when I look up, I just trip over things... I've got no illusions about you, when I said i'd take you, I meant as is"...
She's singing it to me, we're laying in her bed, and I'm in this state of complete and utter ignorance. And where I come from, that's a form of bliss.
I wonder how many other people can be knocked around by certain triggers? Songs? smells? Sounds? sights? even tastes? We are a peculiar bunch, people. I suspect.
Anyway,
The good things I've got going on right now, in no particular order:
- a girl whose pretty into me! :)
- some pretty great friends, who never give up on me, even when I'm sometimes impossible
- a job that while i may get laid off for a week or two, is going to vamp up, and turn out to be something pretty good for another year!
- a running truck that kicks ass, and is pretty sexy whilst he kicks ass
- i'm about to head on a one week vacation to somewhere hot, in the middle of another "canadian winter"
- good things are happening to some of my people as well and i'm able to provide support and comraderie to some who are going through rough times
- i don't really want for anything (except a tv and a laptop... which I don't need, just want) lol
- i have my second camh appointment when i get back from my trip
- having my second camh appointmentn means that I'm getting closer to the finish line, no matter if it keeps moving, ultimately I'm plugging along to that point
- i saw my therapist this week,and plan to see her when I return from my trip, to continue the discussion of emotional/physical healing, and getting mentally ready to have alterations made to my body
- i'm a part of a new group that hopes to provide some much needed services to youth in my community, this is the first time I've been a part of a board since I was but a wee lad (10+ years ago) and I am quite enjoying it.
- i'm meeting new people that I share common interests, or common goals with, and it makes me feel good.
- i'm in a time of change. I need to change some things in my life:
- I'll start with adding 8+ cups of water to my diet, and cutting down entirely on my consuption of Coke, and other carbonated beverages. :(
- I'd like to add in a minimum of 3 workouts a week, as well.
- I'm learning how to set goals.
And I believe that my long lost friend and I have a tea date this afternoon!
Oh! and there's this girl... I've been kind of seeing her for a little while... and tonight is a big night for us. We're spending some time with her friends. I'm a little nervous, because I think that she's of the school that I'm a pretty good guy, so I don't want to make a bad impression infront of her friends. I'm sure I'll be fine, but it's something in the back of my mind that I worry about. I feel pretty relaxed overall. For the most part we're on the same page with most things, so that puts me at ease.
I wish that I was in a stronger place, and that I could be more secure with myself. But something, I learned at therapy this week, is that I'm likely in a healthier place, being a little less secure, it means that i MAY not rush in as quickly, or blindly as I have in the past. I'm looking forward to building something with a foundation!
So far it's going well...
that is all.
~Agenor
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I pay her to be my friend...
and when I see her, it's usually the best $70 I'll spend that week! This appointment was no exepction. She encourages me, provides me with the insight to realize that I am as strong as I need to be, and then some. She shows me that I'm intelligent, charming, and witty. That I am a smart enough boy to navigate life, but like everyone, have some challenges.
She wants me to write of those challenges.
I'm listening.
Taking her seriously.
How will I do that? How do I start?
I will turn six i Mexico, this seems like the perfect time to start.
~Agenor
She wants me to write of those challenges.
I'm listening.
Taking her seriously.
How will I do that? How do I start?
I will turn six i Mexico, this seems like the perfect time to start.
~Agenor
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A smart girl told me to "make the most of it"
I called in tonight.
I got pulled over, for failing to stop at a stop sign. (MY LUCK IS THE WORST SOMETIMES!!) I pulled out, right infront of a cop. (naturally). It's a $110 fine, 3 points, ect. FUCK.
It made me late for work. I was on my way to the grocery store, since I didn't go yesterday before work, and I didn't go on the way home Monday morning. I pulled out, he pulled me over, and there you have it. I called in. I wasn't about to use an E-Day and not have the day off.
I felt guilty about this, and was pissing and moaning, whilst talking to a (seemingly patient) girl online. Her advice? Make the most of it!
Around 2am I decided that I'd go to the gym. I did half an hour of cardio, then I went over to the weight circut at the back, with the machines that make each side work independantly (I always feel like I get the best workout when I use those machines) after a few crunches, I went back on the bike, to cool down... and then after my shower, I heated things up in the taning booth.
How did I feel?
Accomplished. Satisfied. Handsome. Strong. Buff-ish.
I felt good.
When I looked in the mirror, I saw a man that I am proud of. A man reflected in the mirror, a strong man, and a handsome man. A glimpse of the man, that I am (hopefully) on my way to being.
When I turned 23, I realized that I never imagined getting past that age. 23. I wasn't ever supposed to live that long... and I have... Why can't I just settle down a little, and make the most of it? Why can't I appreciate every day for the gift that it is, and enjoy it?
The next few months I'm going to stay off the anti depressants. I'm going to work hard at the gym, and in my life, to make the changes that I need to, in order to live that appreciative life, full of enjoyment, and happiness.
-gym membership put to good use (finally)
-enjoy holiday to the maximum
-start vitamin D (and possibly multi vitamin)
-make plans, and follow through with them (yes i know i dont make plans, but that makes me a very grumpy old man) -speaking of old, I will kill Skunky (the white stripe on my right eyebrow... that should improve things)...
Follow through, is a weaknes. But I'm confident that I can make these changes.
Slow and steady.
and I have the support from family and friends, that I need to make this stuff happen!
I'm so happy that she's such a smart girl, and I'm even more thrilled, that I listened to her.
I made the most of my first E Day of 2011.
*i'm secretly (or not so secretly) hoping to be laid off next week, so that I don't have to use any E-Days for my vacation... (and maybe for my CAMH appointment)*
~Agenor
It is 9 days, 22 hours, 52 minutes until our flight leaves Toronto for Cancun, Mexico!
I got pulled over, for failing to stop at a stop sign. (MY LUCK IS THE WORST SOMETIMES!!) I pulled out, right infront of a cop. (naturally). It's a $110 fine, 3 points, ect. FUCK.
It made me late for work. I was on my way to the grocery store, since I didn't go yesterday before work, and I didn't go on the way home Monday morning. I pulled out, he pulled me over, and there you have it. I called in. I wasn't about to use an E-Day and not have the day off.
I felt guilty about this, and was pissing and moaning, whilst talking to a (seemingly patient) girl online. Her advice? Make the most of it!
Around 2am I decided that I'd go to the gym. I did half an hour of cardio, then I went over to the weight circut at the back, with the machines that make each side work independantly (I always feel like I get the best workout when I use those machines) after a few crunches, I went back on the bike, to cool down... and then after my shower, I heated things up in the taning booth.
How did I feel?
Accomplished. Satisfied. Handsome. Strong. Buff-ish.
I felt good.
When I looked in the mirror, I saw a man that I am proud of. A man reflected in the mirror, a strong man, and a handsome man. A glimpse of the man, that I am (hopefully) on my way to being.
When I turned 23, I realized that I never imagined getting past that age. 23. I wasn't ever supposed to live that long... and I have... Why can't I just settle down a little, and make the most of it? Why can't I appreciate every day for the gift that it is, and enjoy it?
The next few months I'm going to stay off the anti depressants. I'm going to work hard at the gym, and in my life, to make the changes that I need to, in order to live that appreciative life, full of enjoyment, and happiness.
-gym membership put to good use (finally)
-enjoy holiday to the maximum
-start vitamin D (and possibly multi vitamin)
-make plans, and follow through with them (yes i know i dont make plans, but that makes me a very grumpy old man) -speaking of old, I will kill Skunky (the white stripe on my right eyebrow... that should improve things)...
Follow through, is a weaknes. But I'm confident that I can make these changes.
Slow and steady.
and I have the support from family and friends, that I need to make this stuff happen!
I'm so happy that she's such a smart girl, and I'm even more thrilled, that I listened to her.
I made the most of my first E Day of 2011.
*i'm secretly (or not so secretly) hoping to be laid off next week, so that I don't have to use any E-Days for my vacation... (and maybe for my CAMH appointment)*
~Agenor
It is 9 days, 22 hours, 52 minutes until our flight leaves Toronto for Cancun, Mexico!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Weirdest Day... cause sometimes you have to tell the story...
So I was getting up after my late sleep today, around 8pm, and I was thinking to myself "you need to play the change game at work." Weird, but okay....
I got to work, after eating my sub, and fell OUT of my truck, flat on my ass infront of Dean. Deano is an upstanding man, always concerned about others, and while I laughed my (sore and now wet) ass off about falling, Dean was worried I was hurt. I love that fellow.
I get into work, find where I'm working and start up. After a few minutes I realize I lost my pen in the epic fall, so i wander down to my usual workcentre where I have a couple pens hiding. Dean and Andy are working where I normally do, so Dean and I are still laughing about the fall, and I mention to him, that maybe my pen is on the ground by my truck, randomly enough, the two supervisors on their way out for a smoke walk by, and ask me why I'm not at my work station. They both tell me to get to work, and this pisses me off. Yes, I know I'm at work and I'm being paid to do a job, I understand that. Completey. Anyway...
I go back to work, and I bang out 300 parts of the 400 I need to cut and finish 5 layers (I need 33 finished for 100% at the end of the night.)
I wander over to the washroom at break, and run into Dean, the supervisors walk by again, and make a comment about me not being at my workcentre. (they are joking now, and it's kind of funny at this point) har har!
I go back to work after my 30 minute first break (that's double what I'm allowed). I bang out 16 layers of lower (remember I need 33 all night) it's now lunch, and I've got 17 layers left, and 100 parts to cut. Okay. (considering I just did 16 layers, this should be a piece of cake -and it was)
After my 35 minute (20 minute) lunch, I head back to work, working away. Head down, and straight to business, I'm pounding out parts like it's my job... oh wait! I finish. I get the 17 layers done that I need to get done before last break, and I'm also able to cut the last 100 parts that I need to cut.
It's last break and I've got nothing going on after break. (except cleanup, and the like)
I run into supervisor R again, and he makes a funny comment about how once more I'm not in my workstation... yeah yeah... i'm going for break. When I get back from my 25?ish minute (15) break, there he is, waiting for me. Oh yeah.
He gives me shit. He's not a bad guy, I've never had a problem with him, and I don't have a problem now... we chatted for a bit about overtime, and some other things, and he went back to doing whatever it is supervisors do, and I knocked out a few more parts.
I won the change game tonight. I split with a nice lady I work with... th number was 64, I had 65 and she had 63... $56 each.
What a strange day.
Now I'm heading to bed, I have a doctors appoinment at 3:30, and I'm hoping that this afternoon TJ and I can go pick up our tickets for our trip. :)
14 days until Mexico! How awesome!
I'm starting to get excited.
I have yet to reunite with the taning bed... this is going to be a painful burn ;)
~Agnor
I got to work, after eating my sub, and fell OUT of my truck, flat on my ass infront of Dean. Deano is an upstanding man, always concerned about others, and while I laughed my (sore and now wet) ass off about falling, Dean was worried I was hurt. I love that fellow.
I get into work, find where I'm working and start up. After a few minutes I realize I lost my pen in the epic fall, so i wander down to my usual workcentre where I have a couple pens hiding. Dean and Andy are working where I normally do, so Dean and I are still laughing about the fall, and I mention to him, that maybe my pen is on the ground by my truck, randomly enough, the two supervisors on their way out for a smoke walk by, and ask me why I'm not at my work station. They both tell me to get to work, and this pisses me off. Yes, I know I'm at work and I'm being paid to do a job, I understand that. Completey. Anyway...
I go back to work, and I bang out 300 parts of the 400 I need to cut and finish 5 layers (I need 33 finished for 100% at the end of the night.)
I wander over to the washroom at break, and run into Dean, the supervisors walk by again, and make a comment about me not being at my workcentre. (they are joking now, and it's kind of funny at this point) har har!
I go back to work after my 30 minute first break (that's double what I'm allowed). I bang out 16 layers of lower (remember I need 33 all night) it's now lunch, and I've got 17 layers left, and 100 parts to cut. Okay. (considering I just did 16 layers, this should be a piece of cake -and it was)
After my 35 minute (20 minute) lunch, I head back to work, working away. Head down, and straight to business, I'm pounding out parts like it's my job... oh wait! I finish. I get the 17 layers done that I need to get done before last break, and I'm also able to cut the last 100 parts that I need to cut.
It's last break and I've got nothing going on after break. (except cleanup, and the like)
I run into supervisor R again, and he makes a funny comment about how once more I'm not in my workstation... yeah yeah... i'm going for break. When I get back from my 25?ish minute (15) break, there he is, waiting for me. Oh yeah.
He gives me shit. He's not a bad guy, I've never had a problem with him, and I don't have a problem now... we chatted for a bit about overtime, and some other things, and he went back to doing whatever it is supervisors do, and I knocked out a few more parts.
I won the change game tonight. I split with a nice lady I work with... th number was 64, I had 65 and she had 63... $56 each.
What a strange day.
Now I'm heading to bed, I have a doctors appoinment at 3:30, and I'm hoping that this afternoon TJ and I can go pick up our tickets for our trip. :)
14 days until Mexico! How awesome!
I'm starting to get excited.
I have yet to reunite with the taning bed... this is going to be a painful burn ;)
~Agnor
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Just what the doctor ordered: (retail therapy)
More and more I find that I enjoy shopping. I'm not sure exactly what the reason is, but there's definitely something therapudic about it. Now if only wasn't acquiring clutter... or at least ridding myself of the clutter, at the same speed which I'm acquring it.
Today's adventure has me gaining: those new Nike's I've been thinking about since the Boxing Day trips ($90). A workout thinger, that will allow me to do pushups, situps, pullups, ect, woot! ($40) and 2 pairs of swimtrunks, and two pair of cargo shorts for my upcoming trip. (115)
NOW I am getting excited.NOW I want to start packing.
but first, today being Sunday, means that in a few short hours I have to be at work, since I didn't sleep much last night, it is naptime!
I wish all Sundays would leave me feeling like this...
~Agenor
Today's adventure has me gaining: those new Nike's I've been thinking about since the Boxing Day trips ($90). A workout thinger, that will allow me to do pushups, situps, pullups, ect, woot! ($40) and 2 pairs of swimtrunks, and two pair of cargo shorts for my upcoming trip. (115)
NOW I am getting excited.NOW I want to start packing.
but first, today being Sunday, means that in a few short hours I have to be at work, since I didn't sleep much last night, it is naptime!
I wish all Sundays would leave me feeling like this...
~Agenor
I don't make plans... But I do love....
It's true. Disorganized and running late. Two words that could be used to describe me. Running late, for sure. Disorganized, well it depends on the circumstances. When it comes to time management I FAIL. I'm okay with that. I don't make plans. In the last two weeks, it's been pointed out a couple of different times, that I'm not considerate, because of this "flaw." The reality is, that maybe I'm not the most considerate person. Maybe I do think of myself first. I will give you excuses and reasons why I do this, till I'm blue in the face. Every single one of them is valid, in my eyes.
i thought of others first for so long, i neglect myself in other areas (sleep, excercise, diet, to name a few).
i don't like to be place in a situation i can't get out of, i don't like commitment, (I have recently discovered, that I am infact a commitment-phobe!) there's a million and one reasons why I don't like to make plans.
Don't think that you're unique. Don't think that, it means I care any less for you, don't think that it means that I don't respect you, it likely means that I DO respect you.
I have cancelled on Nana three weeks in a row. After MAKING PLANS. At least in this case, I'm not cancelling. And chances are, when I realize that I do want to do something with you, that I'm genuinely interested in spending that time with you.
What is love? Love is wanting to be a better man for someone. That's what love is, according to what Princess says. At the very notion of this, being a possible truth I tear up, and realize that my heart is cold. That there is nothing driving me right now. I have amazing people in my life, and many of them that I care deeply for. But I am surely missing that drive. I'm working on it!
I'm okay. I'm enjoying things. Piece by piece. Moment to moment. I'm remembering that life is a series of moments.
I just sit in the bathtub waiting for my fingers and toes to get wrinkly, thinking of the moments that have passed me by. Thinking of the man I was when I was trying for her, and realizing that I wasn't half of the man that I am today. It is true, that hurt makes us better. Stronger. It is true, that I needed more strength. It is true that in this place that I am in, I am almost content. It is true.
Truth: I'm not so scared anymore. I'm excited. Invigorated. I'm ready for whatever is next, but more importantly I'm ready for what is here.
Sitting up in my freshly made bed, with my cat at the end peering over at me, we watched three movies tonight together, Buddy and I. My eyes are tired, but my brain... keeps on moving... pushing me to think and to feel when my nerve endings are worn.
a single white pill under my tongue...
my eyes will close eventually and peace will come to me... I'll sleep for 6 hours, get up, and enjoy a friendship. In a deliberate way.
The man, whom I don't give enough credit to. Tthe man who saved my life, was my friend when it felt as though I was all alone. Stepped in, when I needed a partner in crime... Gave me a purpose, and allowed me to be a part of his life.
I don't give Princess nearly enough credit.
I hope for a moment, in a response to an email tonight, that he knew... that deliberate or not, the time we spend together means something. A friendship that may be more complicated than others, is really as simple a two guys, who needed someone in their corner, at the same time.
And now we are, two guys fighting the world, but both with someone in our corner.
I'm excited for the things happening in my life. I'm excited for my upcoming trip to mexico with my friend. I'm excited for the dates that I've been going on, with a pretty girl. I'm excited for the potential for work to get busy again, and overtime to come my way. I'm excited for fresh start that I've been given, in the new year. For the goals that I've already started acheiving, and for the accomplishments that will follow this year. For new beginnings, fresh starts, new opportunities, and growth. I want to GROW!
Stretching and pulling, I knew that I could feel it, but once again, I have surprised myself with how far I have come.
~Agenor
i thought of others first for so long, i neglect myself in other areas (sleep, excercise, diet, to name a few).
i don't like to be place in a situation i can't get out of, i don't like commitment, (I have recently discovered, that I am infact a commitment-phobe!) there's a million and one reasons why I don't like to make plans.
Don't think that you're unique. Don't think that, it means I care any less for you, don't think that it means that I don't respect you, it likely means that I DO respect you.
I have cancelled on Nana three weeks in a row. After MAKING PLANS. At least in this case, I'm not cancelling. And chances are, when I realize that I do want to do something with you, that I'm genuinely interested in spending that time with you.
What is love? Love is wanting to be a better man for someone. That's what love is, according to what Princess says. At the very notion of this, being a possible truth I tear up, and realize that my heart is cold. That there is nothing driving me right now. I have amazing people in my life, and many of them that I care deeply for. But I am surely missing that drive. I'm working on it!
I'm okay. I'm enjoying things. Piece by piece. Moment to moment. I'm remembering that life is a series of moments.
I just sit in the bathtub waiting for my fingers and toes to get wrinkly, thinking of the moments that have passed me by. Thinking of the man I was when I was trying for her, and realizing that I wasn't half of the man that I am today. It is true, that hurt makes us better. Stronger. It is true, that I needed more strength. It is true that in this place that I am in, I am almost content. It is true.
Truth: I'm not so scared anymore. I'm excited. Invigorated. I'm ready for whatever is next, but more importantly I'm ready for what is here.
Sitting up in my freshly made bed, with my cat at the end peering over at me, we watched three movies tonight together, Buddy and I. My eyes are tired, but my brain... keeps on moving... pushing me to think and to feel when my nerve endings are worn.
a single white pill under my tongue...
my eyes will close eventually and peace will come to me... I'll sleep for 6 hours, get up, and enjoy a friendship. In a deliberate way.
The man, whom I don't give enough credit to. Tthe man who saved my life, was my friend when it felt as though I was all alone. Stepped in, when I needed a partner in crime... Gave me a purpose, and allowed me to be a part of his life.
I don't give Princess nearly enough credit.
I hope for a moment, in a response to an email tonight, that he knew... that deliberate or not, the time we spend together means something. A friendship that may be more complicated than others, is really as simple a two guys, who needed someone in their corner, at the same time.
And now we are, two guys fighting the world, but both with someone in our corner.
I'm excited for the things happening in my life. I'm excited for my upcoming trip to mexico with my friend. I'm excited for the dates that I've been going on, with a pretty girl. I'm excited for the potential for work to get busy again, and overtime to come my way. I'm excited for fresh start that I've been given, in the new year. For the goals that I've already started acheiving, and for the accomplishments that will follow this year. For new beginnings, fresh starts, new opportunities, and growth. I want to GROW!
Stretching and pulling, I knew that I could feel it, but once again, I have surprised myself with how far I have come.
~Agenor
Thursday, January 13, 2011
From the bed of Agenor:
I'm failing. It's okay, I'm not shocked or surprised, and I'm not feelin too bad about it yet. If I'm not going to keep up with the gym though, I need to find something else to help me get into last summers shorts. It's a little about looking good, but it's more about feeling good, and knowing that I'm healthy. Maybe in Mexico we will jog to Playa del Carmen? Is Mexico really where I want to have my heart attack? *sigh*
I'm just getting up, this makes me feel kind of disappointed. truth is, I still have 3.5 hours before I go to work. I have lots of time to do whatever it is that I want. I want to go shopping. I want to spend money that I don't yet have. I certainly don't want to spend my time at the gym. My mom transfered over 60 tanning minutes to me, yesterday. I can't shower for 4 hours after tanning *or my tan will fade* so that means, that I have to get up and go to the gym early, so that I can shower again before work. Today that simply won't do.
Tomorrow, being Friday, perhaps I'll make it again.
Work's been good. I'm enjoying working alone lately. It's nice,the quiet. Choosing when I talk to people, and having to go out of my way to find them... Much nicer than the constant thoughtless chatter of some of my workmates. :)
I've also been eating lunch alone. I take a late late break, and don't have to deal with the chatter at the lunch table. I miss the ladies whose company I do enjoy. Oh well. :)
Today is my Friday. When I finially do get mobile *which I feel will be very quickly* my weekend will be ALMOST here. Friday am at 6.... i'm a free man. I'm thinking that maybe soon I'll start the overtime signing up again... maybe when I'm back from Mexico? Maybe before? This would have been a good weekend, but I didn't realize until it was too late.
I'm not good at being single.
~Agenor
I'm just getting up, this makes me feel kind of disappointed. truth is, I still have 3.5 hours before I go to work. I have lots of time to do whatever it is that I want. I want to go shopping. I want to spend money that I don't yet have. I certainly don't want to spend my time at the gym. My mom transfered over 60 tanning minutes to me, yesterday. I can't shower for 4 hours after tanning *or my tan will fade* so that means, that I have to get up and go to the gym early, so that I can shower again before work. Today that simply won't do.
Tomorrow, being Friday, perhaps I'll make it again.
Work's been good. I'm enjoying working alone lately. It's nice,the quiet. Choosing when I talk to people, and having to go out of my way to find them... Much nicer than the constant thoughtless chatter of some of my workmates. :)
I've also been eating lunch alone. I take a late late break, and don't have to deal with the chatter at the lunch table. I miss the ladies whose company I do enjoy. Oh well. :)
Today is my Friday. When I finially do get mobile *which I feel will be very quickly* my weekend will be ALMOST here. Friday am at 6.... i'm a free man. I'm thinking that maybe soon I'll start the overtime signing up again... maybe when I'm back from Mexico? Maybe before? This would have been a good weekend, but I didn't realize until it was too late.
I'm not good at being single.
~Agenor
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
A quick update before I go off to sleep...
At 4:00pm (my morning) I'm heading to the gym with D. I'm exhausted thinking about it, but I'm hopeful that this is a routine that I may be able to keep up! I had a good night at work last night (this morning), working with someone different, makes the night go quickly. I was originially to work alone, and I was looking forward to that more than working with someone new, but sometimes the choice isn't mine to make.
I got good news today, I cashed in a life insurance policy. (I didn't need it any longer... it's a long story, just trust me!) I'm getting a bit of a payout for it, and I'm excited about that. It'll be enough to pay off my trip, OR do a few other things. I'm looking seriously into the few other things, and hoping that I can accomplish a few things before the settlement comes in. I am feeling really good about money right now. I feel like I've got some decent Karma going on right now...
I need to see my therapist. There's way too much for me to think about with regards to surgery. A friend has got approval from OHIP, but is having trouble with some of the stipulations. How can they decide to cover the surgery, but not cover all of it? It doesnt make ANY sense to me. I'm hoping he's able to get that clarified today, or tomorrow. I'm awaiting his reply, and to hear the rest of the story... it's a little nerve wracking for me.
I'm worried about funding being pulled out from underneath me. I'm worried about a change of government while I'm in the process. I'm worried about not having enough time to get everything done, in the covered amount of time. I'm worried about healing, and about travel. Language barriers. I'm worried about complications.
More and more though, I'm becoming less worried, and more excited. About the first time I wake up, and it's not my imagination. About the first time that I stand at a urinal to void, and about the first time I make love to a partner. I'm excited.
Anyway, I never know when I've said too much, or when it's too graphic, so I'll stop here, and just say that I need to see my therapist to straighten some thoughts and concerns out. -it's also reccomended for the process, as it's fairly daunting.
17 working days till Mexico now. I'm starting to get excited. there are a few things I'd like to do before then, I'm making decisions, making lists, and making changes. It's a positive time in my life right now, and I'm really thankful to be in this place.
I've got A LOT going for me. And it's nice to see that, and be able to recgonize it as well.
-work is going well, steady. they're giving me holidays to go to Mexico in February
-working on the process for funding... (I never thought I'd get here)
-dating a really great girl... she's the whole package, and *seems* fairly sane... though I know that NO girl is truly sane!
-about to embark on the weightloss journey again... *this time i will do it. this time i will do it. this time i will do it* mantra.
-in a good place.
I've been off the welbutrin for 4 days now, and there don't seem to be any weird side effects. *vertigo, nausea, ect. I think this is going to be the end of Agenor and Anti D's. It's time. I'm feeling very good about this as well.
My main concern is the migraines, but I'm really hoping that I can control them with diet and exercise? Perhaps.
Anyway, I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes opened...
~Agenor
I got good news today, I cashed in a life insurance policy. (I didn't need it any longer... it's a long story, just trust me!) I'm getting a bit of a payout for it, and I'm excited about that. It'll be enough to pay off my trip, OR do a few other things. I'm looking seriously into the few other things, and hoping that I can accomplish a few things before the settlement comes in. I am feeling really good about money right now. I feel like I've got some decent Karma going on right now...
I need to see my therapist. There's way too much for me to think about with regards to surgery. A friend has got approval from OHIP, but is having trouble with some of the stipulations. How can they decide to cover the surgery, but not cover all of it? It doesnt make ANY sense to me. I'm hoping he's able to get that clarified today, or tomorrow. I'm awaiting his reply, and to hear the rest of the story... it's a little nerve wracking for me.
I'm worried about funding being pulled out from underneath me. I'm worried about a change of government while I'm in the process. I'm worried about not having enough time to get everything done, in the covered amount of time. I'm worried about healing, and about travel. Language barriers. I'm worried about complications.
More and more though, I'm becoming less worried, and more excited. About the first time I wake up, and it's not my imagination. About the first time that I stand at a urinal to void, and about the first time I make love to a partner. I'm excited.
Anyway, I never know when I've said too much, or when it's too graphic, so I'll stop here, and just say that I need to see my therapist to straighten some thoughts and concerns out. -it's also reccomended for the process, as it's fairly daunting.
17 working days till Mexico now. I'm starting to get excited. there are a few things I'd like to do before then, I'm making decisions, making lists, and making changes. It's a positive time in my life right now, and I'm really thankful to be in this place.
I've got A LOT going for me. And it's nice to see that, and be able to recgonize it as well.
-work is going well, steady. they're giving me holidays to go to Mexico in February
-working on the process for funding... (I never thought I'd get here)
-dating a really great girl... she's the whole package, and *seems* fairly sane... though I know that NO girl is truly sane!
-about to embark on the weightloss journey again... *this time i will do it. this time i will do it. this time i will do it* mantra.
-in a good place.
I've been off the welbutrin for 4 days now, and there don't seem to be any weird side effects. *vertigo, nausea, ect. I think this is going to be the end of Agenor and Anti D's. It's time. I'm feeling very good about this as well.
My main concern is the migraines, but I'm really hoping that I can control them with diet and exercise? Perhaps.
Anyway, I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes opened...
~Agenor
Sunday, January 9, 2011
The birth of an obsession? or finally doing the research I should have been doing all along?
More and more, when I'm online surfing, I end up on the phallo surgery group that I belong to. All of the messages go to my email inbox, and I'll see a heading that interests me so I'll click, and follow. Before I know it I've been reading and looking for an hour or longer.
It's such a huge decision that I can't even fathom actually making the call. While everything is so abstract and "someday" in nature right now, it's easy for me to say the things I will give up, and the things that I must have. Sure, I can give up some erotic sensation. But what am I saying? I'm a 26 year old man, who enjoys having a climax when in bed with his partner. Will I lose that? Is that a risk I'm willing to take?
It's a crazy world in my head. Somedays are louder than others. Some nights at work, I'll be at my press just fantasizing, for 8 hours... Getting on a plane, laying down for surgery, my parents with me... in Serbia (what the hell are they going to do in Serbia?! -talk about making the best of something) me waking up with a phallus but nothing more. No functions, just there. How bad will that fuck me up? What will the emotional toll be? The pain. HOW will I handle the pain? Hopefully better than I did my first round with surgery. Hopefully I'll be able to tolerate it. What about work? Will they cover me to be off? How much money will I be able to save by then? -for travel costs, ect.
I think the perspective that I need to have is simply: time moves so quickly. It will go by fast. Be prepared, but don't worry.
It's incredible. the pictures. the stories, the feedback from patients from Surgeons. It's definitely something that shouldn't be taken lightly.
and yet, in the blink of an eye, I've told myself: I know the surgery I want, I know the surgeon I want to do it. What I need to know, is how to know that I'm making the right choices. What I need to know, is what I'm willing to give up for a,b and c? are d,e and f worth it? The trade ins...
Nothing in this world is perfect. It's our job to make the best of it.
I believe I'm making the best of it, (and I've got a little help these days)
How lucky am I to have such amazing people in my life?
How lucky am I to have parents (that as much as we drive each other crazy) will (still) say "when you know more about this surgery, we'll make the plans, to try to come with you?" -that makes me cry.
Because as selfish as I sometimes think my parents (mom) can be, in moments like that, she makes up for it.
How lucky am I? to live in 2011, to have access to THIS technology, to be a part of evolving technology, to have access to medical care that can provide me with the ability to change my body, so that it matches who I am? How fucking lucky am I?
Now, what I'd like to happen, is to jump outside of my head for a little while, and pretend that I am living a normal life. To stop thinking about surgeries, and travel costs, to think instead about: mortgages and truck payments, adoption fees, and grocery bills... I keep telling myself one day... and because I've seen glimpses (moments of time when surgery or transition wasn't the biggest *har har* thing on my mind) I know that the day is coming...
One step at a time.
I'm heading to mexico in 25 days. I'll be on the beach, with a pink drink in my hand, a couple books on my chest *hopefully not leaving a white spot! ha!* and Kenny Chesney in my ear.
I couldn't be more excited. :)
Tomorrow's mission before work: figure out post departure spending money (swim trunks, ect) and make that shite happen.
~Agenor
It's such a huge decision that I can't even fathom actually making the call. While everything is so abstract and "someday" in nature right now, it's easy for me to say the things I will give up, and the things that I must have. Sure, I can give up some erotic sensation. But what am I saying? I'm a 26 year old man, who enjoys having a climax when in bed with his partner. Will I lose that? Is that a risk I'm willing to take?
It's a crazy world in my head. Somedays are louder than others. Some nights at work, I'll be at my press just fantasizing, for 8 hours... Getting on a plane, laying down for surgery, my parents with me... in Serbia (what the hell are they going to do in Serbia?! -talk about making the best of something) me waking up with a phallus but nothing more. No functions, just there. How bad will that fuck me up? What will the emotional toll be? The pain. HOW will I handle the pain? Hopefully better than I did my first round with surgery. Hopefully I'll be able to tolerate it. What about work? Will they cover me to be off? How much money will I be able to save by then? -for travel costs, ect.
I think the perspective that I need to have is simply: time moves so quickly. It will go by fast. Be prepared, but don't worry.
It's incredible. the pictures. the stories, the feedback from patients from Surgeons. It's definitely something that shouldn't be taken lightly.
and yet, in the blink of an eye, I've told myself: I know the surgery I want, I know the surgeon I want to do it. What I need to know, is how to know that I'm making the right choices. What I need to know, is what I'm willing to give up for a,b and c? are d,e and f worth it? The trade ins...
Nothing in this world is perfect. It's our job to make the best of it.
I believe I'm making the best of it, (and I've got a little help these days)
How lucky am I to have such amazing people in my life?
How lucky am I to have parents (that as much as we drive each other crazy) will (still) say "when you know more about this surgery, we'll make the plans, to try to come with you?" -that makes me cry.
Because as selfish as I sometimes think my parents (mom) can be, in moments like that, she makes up for it.
How lucky am I? to live in 2011, to have access to THIS technology, to be a part of evolving technology, to have access to medical care that can provide me with the ability to change my body, so that it matches who I am? How fucking lucky am I?
Now, what I'd like to happen, is to jump outside of my head for a little while, and pretend that I am living a normal life. To stop thinking about surgeries, and travel costs, to think instead about: mortgages and truck payments, adoption fees, and grocery bills... I keep telling myself one day... and because I've seen glimpses (moments of time when surgery or transition wasn't the biggest *har har* thing on my mind) I know that the day is coming...
One step at a time.
I'm heading to mexico in 25 days. I'll be on the beach, with a pink drink in my hand, a couple books on my chest *hopefully not leaving a white spot! ha!* and Kenny Chesney in my ear.
I couldn't be more excited. :)
Tomorrow's mission before work: figure out post departure spending money (swim trunks, ect) and make that shite happen.
~Agenor
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The target:
I don't know what it is, okay? The last few days I've been moody, miserable, antsy, grumpy, and just plain irritable. I get it, I know it happens, it often follows a pattern in my shots, sometimes it lasts a while, and sometimes it goes away, fairly quickly.
What I do know, is that living with the parentals comes with its challenges on the best of days. I'm not about to go into a "poor me" ramble, because I know damn well that I have it good. People my age pay for the amenities that I have: running water, a shower (or three) daily, toilet paper, a roof over their head... okay, I get it, I don't pay for any of these things. I buy my groceries, and pay off my bills. That's what I do. I go to work, and I take care of myself. My job is my priority, most of my friends will even attest to that.
I get 10 E-Days, to use as I wish, and I will admit that last year I didn't use them as wisely as I could have. I didn't account for the fact that I would be hit with 10 migranes in the month of December either, silly me, I should have known better! Now, if I was missing copious amounts of time, (like more than a day and a half above my e-days) in a year, I can see my parents having something to say about it.
The truth (for me) boils down to this: I have a job, I keep my job, yes, i'm being disciplined, but even my fucking supervisor told me it's not a big deal. It's not because I'm making bad parts, I'm showing up late, or even getting written up for being absent. This is a verbal warning, because I didn't realize that I couldn't take a day, and then a half day so close together. I knew that I had a day and a half all year, but what I didn't realize was that it couldn't fall so close together. I made a mistake. I know that I did, it's done. Leave it alone.
Stop bitching at me. Stop telling me about "your sense of pride" and how, "you never missed work, ever" because I remember damn well times when you would call in a "personal day" when you worked at the factory. The difference? in the 80's and 90's, you guys were busy fucking it up for us, in 2011. Now our percentage is that we may only miss 1.5 days throughout an entire year. You tell me that you NEVER missed time?
The problem is this: I'm grumpy. You know I'm grumpy. You can feel it when I wake up, you can feel the grumpiness seeping out of me, and because of that, you're like a dog on a bone. You take my grumpiness and you use that as a target. Why, I am not sure of. I'm not sure what you gain? The stress level rises, inside of me, and anger seeps through my pours, and all you're doing is creating a combustible mess... any moment, someone at work will say the wrong thing, and maybe I really will punch them in the face? and then what? then I'm in serious trouble? We're not talking the "hey al, you missed a day, maybe you could stop that" kind of trouble... now we're in the "workplace violence, you're fired" kind of trouble?
How fucking hard is it, to seeI'm in a bad place, and just leave me alone? I stay in my room. it's not like I'm up in your space, and getting in your way. It's not like I'm trying to be with you, or influence your day at all... I'm trying to control it.
This is also something, that was under control, but being the "parent" you have the ability to set off triggers, left right and centre, and so you do. Again, I have to ask WHY? What is it that you gain from this?
If you want to have the conversation about my departure, then have that conversation. Please, stop doing this passive aggressive picking that you do. It's driving me insane.
I am trying, to control it, to curb it, to make it disappear, but the truth of the matter is, that when you do this picking, all you are doing is making the little monster inside of me happy, and when he's happy he causes havoc on my entire body.
I don't understand why when I'm grumpy, you see the target,and immediately start firing at it...
I'm exhausted.
and now, I don't want to go to work.
~Agenor
What I do know, is that living with the parentals comes with its challenges on the best of days. I'm not about to go into a "poor me" ramble, because I know damn well that I have it good. People my age pay for the amenities that I have: running water, a shower (or three) daily, toilet paper, a roof over their head... okay, I get it, I don't pay for any of these things. I buy my groceries, and pay off my bills. That's what I do. I go to work, and I take care of myself. My job is my priority, most of my friends will even attest to that.
I get 10 E-Days, to use as I wish, and I will admit that last year I didn't use them as wisely as I could have. I didn't account for the fact that I would be hit with 10 migranes in the month of December either, silly me, I should have known better! Now, if I was missing copious amounts of time, (like more than a day and a half above my e-days) in a year, I can see my parents having something to say about it.
The truth (for me) boils down to this: I have a job, I keep my job, yes, i'm being disciplined, but even my fucking supervisor told me it's not a big deal. It's not because I'm making bad parts, I'm showing up late, or even getting written up for being absent. This is a verbal warning, because I didn't realize that I couldn't take a day, and then a half day so close together. I knew that I had a day and a half all year, but what I didn't realize was that it couldn't fall so close together. I made a mistake. I know that I did, it's done. Leave it alone.
Stop bitching at me. Stop telling me about "your sense of pride" and how, "you never missed work, ever" because I remember damn well times when you would call in a "personal day" when you worked at the factory. The difference? in the 80's and 90's, you guys were busy fucking it up for us, in 2011. Now our percentage is that we may only miss 1.5 days throughout an entire year. You tell me that you NEVER missed time?
The problem is this: I'm grumpy. You know I'm grumpy. You can feel it when I wake up, you can feel the grumpiness seeping out of me, and because of that, you're like a dog on a bone. You take my grumpiness and you use that as a target. Why, I am not sure of. I'm not sure what you gain? The stress level rises, inside of me, and anger seeps through my pours, and all you're doing is creating a combustible mess... any moment, someone at work will say the wrong thing, and maybe I really will punch them in the face? and then what? then I'm in serious trouble? We're not talking the "hey al, you missed a day, maybe you could stop that" kind of trouble... now we're in the "workplace violence, you're fired" kind of trouble?
How fucking hard is it, to seeI'm in a bad place, and just leave me alone? I stay in my room. it's not like I'm up in your space, and getting in your way. It's not like I'm trying to be with you, or influence your day at all... I'm trying to control it.
This is also something, that was under control, but being the "parent" you have the ability to set off triggers, left right and centre, and so you do. Again, I have to ask WHY? What is it that you gain from this?
If you want to have the conversation about my departure, then have that conversation. Please, stop doing this passive aggressive picking that you do. It's driving me insane.
I am trying, to control it, to curb it, to make it disappear, but the truth of the matter is, that when you do this picking, all you are doing is making the little monster inside of me happy, and when he's happy he causes havoc on my entire body.
I don't understand why when I'm grumpy, you see the target,and immediately start firing at it...
I'm exhausted.
and now, I don't want to go to work.
~Agenor
What happens when we rage:
We're left with a huge headache. Not the monster, migrane type... the kind that tells you, you've gone way way overboard, and you need to chill the fuck out. But it's okay.
Angst would have been a total understatment, had I used it to describe the mood I was in yesterday? today?
What day is it?
I wrote about my shot, it was intense to say the least. I have been struggling back and forth with making plans for a hot hot hot vacation in the sun for early February. My mom has been on my case, for any reason she can find, and I'm just feeling the pinch of living at home in general. (this feeling is escalated when i get home from midnights, there's snow on the ground, the plow hasn't been by, and i need to move BOTH of their cars out to pull my truck in, and then move BOTH of their cars in after my truck is safely parked.)
My milk went bad yesterday, but I didn't know that until I wasted a can of soup... the stench was awful, I couldn't even pretend with that one...
I requested my leave of absense for aforementioned holidays, my supervisor told me today, that she hasn't heard back on wether I'll get approval or not, but she did mention that my name is on the disciplinary list, aka "the list" for attendance related issues, and that certainly isn't helping my case. So I went from an almost for sure I'll get the holidays, to a ... we'll have to wait and see. I wasn't called up to the office yesterday, so it will happen tomorrow.
I'm not too concerned about this, it's the new year and my "Emergency Days" (E-Days) -we get ten of them- have been renewed.... so if I do run into problems, I have them there to use. The plan is this year, to not use them so frivilously. (the plan is also to not be dumped by lesbian, or work with whores, annnnd hopefully to find the triggers for migranes, and avoid them, like the plague!)
Plans!!
Speaking of plans, I just got approved for a credit card, looks like this guy, is about to jump on the road to rebuilding his credit!! Woot!
Have a good day all,
I'm off to chase sheeps in my sleeps!
~Agenor
Angst would have been a total understatment, had I used it to describe the mood I was in yesterday? today?
What day is it?
I wrote about my shot, it was intense to say the least. I have been struggling back and forth with making plans for a hot hot hot vacation in the sun for early February. My mom has been on my case, for any reason she can find, and I'm just feeling the pinch of living at home in general. (this feeling is escalated when i get home from midnights, there's snow on the ground, the plow hasn't been by, and i need to move BOTH of their cars out to pull my truck in, and then move BOTH of their cars in after my truck is safely parked.)
My milk went bad yesterday, but I didn't know that until I wasted a can of soup... the stench was awful, I couldn't even pretend with that one...
I requested my leave of absense for aforementioned holidays, my supervisor told me today, that she hasn't heard back on wether I'll get approval or not, but she did mention that my name is on the disciplinary list, aka "the list" for attendance related issues, and that certainly isn't helping my case. So I went from an almost for sure I'll get the holidays, to a ... we'll have to wait and see. I wasn't called up to the office yesterday, so it will happen tomorrow.
I'm not too concerned about this, it's the new year and my "Emergency Days" (E-Days) -we get ten of them- have been renewed.... so if I do run into problems, I have them there to use. The plan is this year, to not use them so frivilously. (the plan is also to not be dumped by lesbian, or work with whores, annnnd hopefully to find the triggers for migranes, and avoid them, like the plague!)
Plans!!
Speaking of plans, I just got approved for a credit card, looks like this guy, is about to jump on the road to rebuilding his credit!! Woot!
Have a good day all,
I'm off to chase sheeps in my sleeps!
~Agenor
Monday, January 3, 2011
2010 survey... because I am trying to stay awake!
2010 - Year In Review
______________________
Did you get any new best friends?
A friendship grew, a couple friendships fizzled out, I neglected a few..
Did your heart get broken?
I learned how to fix it.
If you could change some thing about this past year, what would it be?
Nothing. It was a shitty year. It required a lot of growing pains, and stretches that I didn't think I was ready to learn... but I did it, I survived, I'm alive with amazing friends, and my family supports me, How could I want to change anything? I'm a better man for the struggles.
Are you happy with how things turned out?
I'm happy that they turned out.
Favorite piece of clothing?
my burgandy and white polo shirt Mom brought back from Myrtle beach!
How many bf/gf's did you have?
a fling? maybe. not really. and at the tail end I met a pretty amazing girl...
What's your favorite thing you got for Christmas last year?
my itouch.
What's the thing you wanted the most this year for Christmas?
I wanted John Deere track pants. I got them, but sadly my ass is too phat for the XL JD trackers! :(
How's work going?
Any vacations in 2010?
Numerous trips to Niagara Falls, and in February I got away to Cozumel, Mexico!!AMAZING!
What are you looking forward to most in 2011?
Hopefully another trip south this winter, saving some money, and continuing to grow, and stretch.
How old did you turn this year?
Twenty-six
Where did you start 2010?
With the lonely hearts club!
Who was your first kiss of 2010?
Late December. the new girl.
If you could end the year with someone in particular, who would it be?
Did you fall in love?
I did not!
I did not!
Did you get any new best friends?
A friendship grew, a couple friendships fizzled out, I neglected a few..
Did you start disliking some one?
I'm not sure what you would call it, but yes dislike, may just be the word to use...
I'm not sure what you would call it, but yes dislike, may just be the word to use...
Did your heart get broken?
I learned how to fix it.
If you could change some thing about this past year, what would it be?
Nothing. It was a shitty year. It required a lot of growing pains, and stretches that I didn't think I was ready to learn... but I did it, I survived, I'm alive with amazing friends, and my family supports me, How could I want to change anything? I'm a better man for the struggles.
Are you happy with how things turned out?
I'm happy that they turned out.
Did you do any thing life changing?
I started the process for funding for surgery. I met people whom will change my life, I grew.
I started the process for funding for surgery. I met people whom will change my life, I grew.
Favorite piece of clothing?
my burgandy and white polo shirt Mom brought back from Myrtle beach!
Did you go to any parties?
I know I went to at least one, I could have gone to more, maybe this year I'll go to more?
I know I went to at least one, I could have gone to more, maybe this year I'll go to more?
How many bf/gf's did you have?
a fling? maybe. not really. and at the tail end I met a pretty amazing girl...
What's your favorite thing you got for Christmas last year?
my itouch.
What's the thing you wanted the most this year for Christmas?
I wanted John Deere track pants. I got them, but sadly my ass is too phat for the XL JD trackers! :(
Has anybody you loved passed away?
I don't think I lost anyone this year...
I don't think I lost anyone this year...
How's work going?
Busy! about to get busier I think. I'm hoping for a vacation... will it happen??
Did someone close to you let you down?
Dropped me like a fly!
Dropped me like a fly!
Any vacations in 2010?
Numerous trips to Niagara Falls, and in February I got away to Cozumel, Mexico!!AMAZING!
What are you looking forward to most in 2011?
Hopefully another trip south this winter, saving some money, and continuing to grow, and stretch.
How old did you turn this year?
Twenty-six
Where did you start 2010?
With the lonely hearts club!
Who was your first kiss of 2010?
Late December. the new girl.
If you could end the year with someone in particular, who would it be?
I ended the year on a perfect note. I couldn't have asked for a better end to 2010. The ending, much much more positive, and healthy than the beginning. FOR THAT I am truly grateful!
~Agenor
Sunday, January 2, 2011
How do you know when it's time for your shot?
It's not a HUGE part of my life, these days. I've been trying to convince myself, and my new girl that constantly for the last three weeks. It's not that big of a deal. And to those that may know me IRL (in real life) you'll know that it really only comes up, if we're having a deep conversation, and I'm talking about surgery, or we're talking about the past, OR someone asks the sex of a new baby.
"Oh do you know what you're having?" -that question posed to new parents cracks me up! Because had the technology been around in 1984 to tell new parents the sex of their babies, my parents would have been given FALSE information. Why can't we be happier with the health of our babies? Why does the gender/sex form such a strong part of the experience?
Pink or Blue, it starts with that.
Being a transitioned transman means that I will be on Testosterone for life. It means that (while I'm on shots) every two weeks I'll prepare a needle and poke myself. Feeling that placebo effect of calmness washing over. It's almost like a junkie. For me the second that needle is complete, I feel a sense of relief...
Sometimes (this week being one of them) I feel the "ants marching." I can sometimes "feel" the blood rushing through my veins. The anxious feeling of rage, and emotion. The feeling of brute strength, and annoyance. Today, I am three days late. I should have had my shot on Friday. Instead of being my first shot of 2011, it was supposed to be my last shot of 2010.
Today I feel the ants marching. Today, the small things, like coming home with groceries, to a kitchen full of parents, and food, disorganization and mess set me off. The freezer being full. Of bread (that I just bought thinking we needed some) my ice cream feeling much lighter than it did yesterday, and there's a piece of apple pie IN my ice cream which just plain grosses me out! *march march march*
Outside, I'm cold. I'm not enjoying the wind on my face, or the fresh air (that I so desperately need) that i'm actively avoiding. Dad asks me for a flashlight, and I know I'm being unreasonable. I can feel the ANGER rising as I realize that my "truck flashlight" is gone. My brother STOLE it last camping trip, and hasn't given it back. If it's at RJ's house, it's as good as gone. Blood boils... over...
It's ridiculous. I know what's causing it. It's the same thing inside of me, that tells me if I got on the ground, I could do 50 pushups. *and the funny thing is, as out of shape as I am, with the kind of fuel that's inside of me, I COULD do 50 pushups*
And that's how you know when it's time for your shot!
So here I sit, it's my last full day of vacation, I had an awesome lunch with Lisa, we ran some errands, both of us, I have my groceries, and wipers *no fog lights yet* and I feel accomplished. My bank account, a little drier than it was before I went out. I feel good about that.
I feel good about this, coming home, sitting down, and spilling it. I cleaned out the freezer, and I found another flashlight that's in my truck now... I'll text Sis-in-Law and see if she knows where my flashlight is *it has sentimental value -Brother B got it for me on our FIRST camping trip to Parry Sound* I'm going to finish my laundry, take a shower, and do my shot... then spend the rest of the evening watching the fox lineup, or some random movies with my dad. I'm going to make myself stay up, because tomorrow night, it's back to the grind.
I'm mostly thankful that I have the insight to be able to tell how absolutely unreasonable I am being, when I am like this.
I can't talk to me, when I'm like this... how can I expect YOU to? ;)
~Agenor
"Oh do you know what you're having?" -that question posed to new parents cracks me up! Because had the technology been around in 1984 to tell new parents the sex of their babies, my parents would have been given FALSE information. Why can't we be happier with the health of our babies? Why does the gender/sex form such a strong part of the experience?
Pink or Blue, it starts with that.
Being a transitioned transman means that I will be on Testosterone for life. It means that (while I'm on shots) every two weeks I'll prepare a needle and poke myself. Feeling that placebo effect of calmness washing over. It's almost like a junkie. For me the second that needle is complete, I feel a sense of relief...
Sometimes (this week being one of them) I feel the "ants marching." I can sometimes "feel" the blood rushing through my veins. The anxious feeling of rage, and emotion. The feeling of brute strength, and annoyance. Today, I am three days late. I should have had my shot on Friday. Instead of being my first shot of 2011, it was supposed to be my last shot of 2010.
Today I feel the ants marching. Today, the small things, like coming home with groceries, to a kitchen full of parents, and food, disorganization and mess set me off. The freezer being full. Of bread (that I just bought thinking we needed some) my ice cream feeling much lighter than it did yesterday, and there's a piece of apple pie IN my ice cream which just plain grosses me out! *march march march*
Outside, I'm cold. I'm not enjoying the wind on my face, or the fresh air (that I so desperately need) that i'm actively avoiding. Dad asks me for a flashlight, and I know I'm being unreasonable. I can feel the ANGER rising as I realize that my "truck flashlight" is gone. My brother STOLE it last camping trip, and hasn't given it back. If it's at RJ's house, it's as good as gone. Blood boils... over...
It's ridiculous. I know what's causing it. It's the same thing inside of me, that tells me if I got on the ground, I could do 50 pushups. *and the funny thing is, as out of shape as I am, with the kind of fuel that's inside of me, I COULD do 50 pushups*
And that's how you know when it's time for your shot!
So here I sit, it's my last full day of vacation, I had an awesome lunch with Lisa, we ran some errands, both of us, I have my groceries, and wipers *no fog lights yet* and I feel accomplished. My bank account, a little drier than it was before I went out. I feel good about that.
I feel good about this, coming home, sitting down, and spilling it. I cleaned out the freezer, and I found another flashlight that's in my truck now... I'll text Sis-in-Law and see if she knows where my flashlight is *it has sentimental value -Brother B got it for me on our FIRST camping trip to Parry Sound* I'm going to finish my laundry, take a shower, and do my shot... then spend the rest of the evening watching the fox lineup, or some random movies with my dad. I'm going to make myself stay up, because tomorrow night, it's back to the grind.
I'm mostly thankful that I have the insight to be able to tell how absolutely unreasonable I am being, when I am like this.
I can't talk to me, when I'm like this... how can I expect YOU to? ;)
~Agenor
The end of an era (or just the end of my holidays)
A three day week ended my stint at work before the holidays. Wednesday morning I left work, and wouldn't return until 2011.
A blessing. and a curse.
I'm one of those people who needs to work, in order to feel like I'm doing something. I need the routine of it all. I need the social aspects of it, and I enjoy (for the most part) my job. BUT. AND HOWEVER. This break has been amazing.
It started, for me, with a series of days, of waking up by 6:30am. I'd get up and have 'Happy Hour' with my folks before they went off to work, I'd come back downstairs, watch some tv, and eventually call Princess so we could go out for breakfast. This happened quite a few times over the last week and a bit.
It feels like I've been off work for much longer than I have, and I think a big part of this feeling is due to the fact that I didn't waste quite as much time as I usually do. I didn't sleep as much. I had a few lazy days, but for the most part, I was up, and at them, and getting things done. Christmas shopping, visiting, a few errads, ect. It was a good break.
I spent some more time with J.
It's been fun learning more about myself, and getting to know her. I worry that I'm a little too crazy for her, but for now she does seem to enjoy riding the crazy with me. She's got an incredibly big heart, and while I've known all along, that on paper, we're a match made in heaven, I'm starting to feel that there could be some literal truth to that. It's nice to meet someone who isn't afraid to talk to me, and who isn't afraid to ask for what she needs.
I hope that I can let go of the last relationship's trauma? enough to trust her. I hope that eventually she can do the same. I think my favourite part is that we are both really into taking things slow. I need this. and i think she does too. I'm glad that we got to spend some more time together.
I would have liked to have spent more time with Baby J. But I did get to see her some. I WILL HAVE to go tubing again, sometime this season, because I had a freaking blast! (who knew?!) Sheller and I didn't REALLY get together, and it would have been nice to get to see Randa as well.
I think that's why I needed to put spend more time with friends on my "achievments of 2011" list.
I'm perfectly happy with the way that I spent the last day of 2010. It was awesome to spend some time with Brother B and his family. We got a little guy time, we chatted until the wee hours of the first day of the new year. Waking up, watching old gang movies, it was brilliant. His folks are incredible, and so welcoming, and ringing in the new year, in our pajamas, watching 90' movies... was awesome.
I wouldn't have had a better time doing ANYTHING else... No pressure, no hype, just a pair of brothers enjoying some time together.
It was beautiful.
and something I hope we do again soon!
Happy New Year. I hope everyone had their own version of my amazing time!
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's back to work I go...
~Agenor
A blessing. and a curse.
I'm one of those people who needs to work, in order to feel like I'm doing something. I need the routine of it all. I need the social aspects of it, and I enjoy (for the most part) my job. BUT. AND HOWEVER. This break has been amazing.
It started, for me, with a series of days, of waking up by 6:30am. I'd get up and have 'Happy Hour' with my folks before they went off to work, I'd come back downstairs, watch some tv, and eventually call Princess so we could go out for breakfast. This happened quite a few times over the last week and a bit.
It feels like I've been off work for much longer than I have, and I think a big part of this feeling is due to the fact that I didn't waste quite as much time as I usually do. I didn't sleep as much. I had a few lazy days, but for the most part, I was up, and at them, and getting things done. Christmas shopping, visiting, a few errads, ect. It was a good break.
I spent some more time with J.
It's been fun learning more about myself, and getting to know her. I worry that I'm a little too crazy for her, but for now she does seem to enjoy riding the crazy with me. She's got an incredibly big heart, and while I've known all along, that on paper, we're a match made in heaven, I'm starting to feel that there could be some literal truth to that. It's nice to meet someone who isn't afraid to talk to me, and who isn't afraid to ask for what she needs.
I hope that I can let go of the last relationship's trauma? enough to trust her. I hope that eventually she can do the same. I think my favourite part is that we are both really into taking things slow. I need this. and i think she does too. I'm glad that we got to spend some more time together.
I would have liked to have spent more time with Baby J. But I did get to see her some. I WILL HAVE to go tubing again, sometime this season, because I had a freaking blast! (who knew?!) Sheller and I didn't REALLY get together, and it would have been nice to get to see Randa as well.
I think that's why I needed to put spend more time with friends on my "achievments of 2011" list.
I'm perfectly happy with the way that I spent the last day of 2010. It was awesome to spend some time with Brother B and his family. We got a little guy time, we chatted until the wee hours of the first day of the new year. Waking up, watching old gang movies, it was brilliant. His folks are incredible, and so welcoming, and ringing in the new year, in our pajamas, watching 90' movies... was awesome.
I wouldn't have had a better time doing ANYTHING else... No pressure, no hype, just a pair of brothers enjoying some time together.
It was beautiful.
and something I hope we do again soon!
Happy New Year. I hope everyone had their own version of my amazing time!
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's back to work I go...
~Agenor
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