More and more, when I'm online surfing, I end up on the phallo surgery group that I belong to. All of the messages go to my email inbox, and I'll see a heading that interests me so I'll click, and follow. Before I know it I've been reading and looking for an hour or longer.
It's such a huge decision that I can't even fathom actually making the call. While everything is so abstract and "someday" in nature right now, it's easy for me to say the things I will give up, and the things that I must have. Sure, I can give up some erotic sensation. But what am I saying? I'm a 26 year old man, who enjoys having a climax when in bed with his partner. Will I lose that? Is that a risk I'm willing to take?
It's a crazy world in my head. Somedays are louder than others. Some nights at work, I'll be at my press just fantasizing, for 8 hours... Getting on a plane, laying down for surgery, my parents with me... in Serbia (what the hell are they going to do in Serbia?! -talk about making the best of something) me waking up with a phallus but nothing more. No functions, just there. How bad will that fuck me up? What will the emotional toll be? The pain. HOW will I handle the pain? Hopefully better than I did my first round with surgery. Hopefully I'll be able to tolerate it. What about work? Will they cover me to be off? How much money will I be able to save by then? -for travel costs, ect.
I think the perspective that I need to have is simply: time moves so quickly. It will go by fast. Be prepared, but don't worry.
It's incredible. the pictures. the stories, the feedback from patients from Surgeons. It's definitely something that shouldn't be taken lightly.
and yet, in the blink of an eye, I've told myself: I know the surgery I want, I know the surgeon I want to do it. What I need to know, is how to know that I'm making the right choices. What I need to know, is what I'm willing to give up for a,b and c? are d,e and f worth it? The trade ins...
Nothing in this world is perfect. It's our job to make the best of it.
I believe I'm making the best of it, (and I've got a little help these days)
How lucky am I to have such amazing people in my life?
How lucky am I to have parents (that as much as we drive each other crazy) will (still) say "when you know more about this surgery, we'll make the plans, to try to come with you?" -that makes me cry.
Because as selfish as I sometimes think my parents (mom) can be, in moments like that, she makes up for it.
How lucky am I? to live in 2011, to have access to THIS technology, to be a part of evolving technology, to have access to medical care that can provide me with the ability to change my body, so that it matches who I am? How fucking lucky am I?
Now, what I'd like to happen, is to jump outside of my head for a little while, and pretend that I am living a normal life. To stop thinking about surgeries, and travel costs, to think instead about: mortgages and truck payments, adoption fees, and grocery bills... I keep telling myself one day... and because I've seen glimpses (moments of time when surgery or transition wasn't the biggest *har har* thing on my mind) I know that the day is coming...
One step at a time.
I'm heading to mexico in 25 days. I'll be on the beach, with a pink drink in my hand, a couple books on my chest *hopefully not leaving a white spot! ha!* and Kenny Chesney in my ear.
I couldn't be more excited. :)
Tomorrow's mission before work: figure out post departure spending money (swim trunks, ect) and make that shite happen.
~Agenor
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