It's not a HUGE part of my life, these days. I've been trying to convince myself, and my new girl that constantly for the last three weeks. It's not that big of a deal. And to those that may know me IRL (in real life) you'll know that it really only comes up, if we're having a deep conversation, and I'm talking about surgery, or we're talking about the past, OR someone asks the sex of a new baby.
"Oh do you know what you're having?" -that question posed to new parents cracks me up! Because had the technology been around in 1984 to tell new parents the sex of their babies, my parents would have been given FALSE information. Why can't we be happier with the health of our babies? Why does the gender/sex form such a strong part of the experience?
Pink or Blue, it starts with that.
Being a transitioned transman means that I will be on Testosterone for life. It means that (while I'm on shots) every two weeks I'll prepare a needle and poke myself. Feeling that placebo effect of calmness washing over. It's almost like a junkie. For me the second that needle is complete, I feel a sense of relief...
Sometimes (this week being one of them) I feel the "ants marching." I can sometimes "feel" the blood rushing through my veins. The anxious feeling of rage, and emotion. The feeling of brute strength, and annoyance. Today, I am three days late. I should have had my shot on Friday. Instead of being my first shot of 2011, it was supposed to be my last shot of 2010.
Today I feel the ants marching. Today, the small things, like coming home with groceries, to a kitchen full of parents, and food, disorganization and mess set me off. The freezer being full. Of bread (that I just bought thinking we needed some) my ice cream feeling much lighter than it did yesterday, and there's a piece of apple pie IN my ice cream which just plain grosses me out! *march march march*
Outside, I'm cold. I'm not enjoying the wind on my face, or the fresh air (that I so desperately need) that i'm actively avoiding. Dad asks me for a flashlight, and I know I'm being unreasonable. I can feel the ANGER rising as I realize that my "truck flashlight" is gone. My brother STOLE it last camping trip, and hasn't given it back. If it's at RJ's house, it's as good as gone. Blood boils... over...
It's ridiculous. I know what's causing it. It's the same thing inside of me, that tells me if I got on the ground, I could do 50 pushups. *and the funny thing is, as out of shape as I am, with the kind of fuel that's inside of me, I COULD do 50 pushups*
And that's how you know when it's time for your shot!
So here I sit, it's my last full day of vacation, I had an awesome lunch with Lisa, we ran some errands, both of us, I have my groceries, and wipers *no fog lights yet* and I feel accomplished. My bank account, a little drier than it was before I went out. I feel good about that.
I feel good about this, coming home, sitting down, and spilling it. I cleaned out the freezer, and I found another flashlight that's in my truck now... I'll text Sis-in-Law and see if she knows where my flashlight is *it has sentimental value -Brother B got it for me on our FIRST camping trip to Parry Sound* I'm going to finish my laundry, take a shower, and do my shot... then spend the rest of the evening watching the fox lineup, or some random movies with my dad. I'm going to make myself stay up, because tomorrow night, it's back to the grind.
I'm mostly thankful that I have the insight to be able to tell how absolutely unreasonable I am being, when I am like this.
I can't talk to me, when I'm like this... how can I expect YOU to? ;)
~Agenor
"Oh do you know what you're having?" -that question posed to new parents cracks me up! Because had the technology been around in 1984 to tell new parents the sex of their babies, my parents would have been given FALSE information. Why can't we be happier with the health of our babies? Why does the gender/sex form such a strong part of the experience?
Pink or Blue, it starts with that.
Being a transitioned transman means that I will be on Testosterone for life. It means that (while I'm on shots) every two weeks I'll prepare a needle and poke myself. Feeling that placebo effect of calmness washing over. It's almost like a junkie. For me the second that needle is complete, I feel a sense of relief...
Sometimes (this week being one of them) I feel the "ants marching." I can sometimes "feel" the blood rushing through my veins. The anxious feeling of rage, and emotion. The feeling of brute strength, and annoyance. Today, I am three days late. I should have had my shot on Friday. Instead of being my first shot of 2011, it was supposed to be my last shot of 2010.
Today I feel the ants marching. Today, the small things, like coming home with groceries, to a kitchen full of parents, and food, disorganization and mess set me off. The freezer being full. Of bread (that I just bought thinking we needed some) my ice cream feeling much lighter than it did yesterday, and there's a piece of apple pie IN my ice cream which just plain grosses me out! *march march march*
Outside, I'm cold. I'm not enjoying the wind on my face, or the fresh air (that I so desperately need) that i'm actively avoiding. Dad asks me for a flashlight, and I know I'm being unreasonable. I can feel the ANGER rising as I realize that my "truck flashlight" is gone. My brother STOLE it last camping trip, and hasn't given it back. If it's at RJ's house, it's as good as gone. Blood boils... over...
It's ridiculous. I know what's causing it. It's the same thing inside of me, that tells me if I got on the ground, I could do 50 pushups. *and the funny thing is, as out of shape as I am, with the kind of fuel that's inside of me, I COULD do 50 pushups*
And that's how you know when it's time for your shot!
So here I sit, it's my last full day of vacation, I had an awesome lunch with Lisa, we ran some errands, both of us, I have my groceries, and wipers *no fog lights yet* and I feel accomplished. My bank account, a little drier than it was before I went out. I feel good about that.
I feel good about this, coming home, sitting down, and spilling it. I cleaned out the freezer, and I found another flashlight that's in my truck now... I'll text Sis-in-Law and see if she knows where my flashlight is *it has sentimental value -Brother B got it for me on our FIRST camping trip to Parry Sound* I'm going to finish my laundry, take a shower, and do my shot... then spend the rest of the evening watching the fox lineup, or some random movies with my dad. I'm going to make myself stay up, because tomorrow night, it's back to the grind.
I'm mostly thankful that I have the insight to be able to tell how absolutely unreasonable I am being, when I am like this.
I can't talk to me, when I'm like this... how can I expect YOU to? ;)
~Agenor
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