T minus 3 days...

I am exhausted. I've spent a little (not enough) time writing in my locked blog. I know, I know, I wanted to do less censoring and more writing, but situations, and circumstances change, and there you have it.
It's early morning (2:30am) in Arizona, and I'm writing away. I'm feeling so many feelings, that I wanted to try to capture a couple.

First and foremost I can't believe how successful the surgical aspect of my surgery has been. SO far everything is going great, and tomorrow I have my second delay of three. I'll have a little more swing, things will feel a little different, and I'll have a little bit of time to get re-acquainted with my body. That being said I'm going home in 3 sleeps (when I get there). I can't believe how quickly time has gone by. I feel cheated. I really do. But I'm not sure how I'd feel had circumstances been any different. I had really great company for the first two weeks of my stay here in Arizona, my Mom, Dad and Matt for the first week, and Benny for the second. My truth is, that ever since Princess got here, my mental health has deteriorated, and I've been slipping. There has been NO support. Infact, this morning as I was cleaning the kitchen I realized, that YES, he's been doing all the dishes, but that's really the only chore he's done. I've done all the cleaning, and sweeping and it's been impossible for me to keep the condo clean. I find it hypocritical at best for him to complain so much about the state of his apartment, and the lack of help that he receives, when he's unable to assist me (while I am recovering from major surgery).

He clearly missed an important memo, and while I don't want to end our friendship, I think we will both be taking a step back and reevaluating. His behaviour has been less than acceptable. This is both disappointing AND frustrating. I spent a lot of money to come down here, and have a nice place, so that he could spend time here, and had it been me and a couple friends for a couple weeks, and I'd have been spending the majority of the time alone, the cost would have been significantly lower, very disappointed.

Aside from that I'm sad that the time is up, and I'm leaving my new home. I've spent 6 weeks here. The weather has been cooler than usual for this time of year, but still totally acceptable. I've enjoyed walking outside in my shorts, in the evening and feeling the fresh, but not brisk, air on my legs. I've enjoyed walking through the outdoor mall at Tempe Marketplace daydreaming.
I have to say that things were much more manageable for me when I was daydreaming. Things changed abruptly at the doctor's office, and I was left disappointed and slightly heartbroken, but after all I suspect that's the role of a crush. to leave you feeling a little crushed after the fact.

For the most part I'm doing really well. Everything is still in one piece. My body is healing well, my mind is staying together remarkably well considering, and while when I get home, I'll have a friendship that needs repair, that will be the last thing on my to-do list, for a little while.
I'm looking forward to being home and having some time that is simply ALL about me. I haven't had that yet.
Honestly, I feel like *almost* from day one.

I know i'm a tough guy, and i know that i'll get through it. I'm looking forward to continuing connections with new friends that I've made, and the new support systems that I've gained over here. and possibly with a new friend (but likely not... because that's what crushes do... they crush you... lol)

I can tell you that I've watched more Army Wives than I ever planned on watching, and I'm loving the show. Caught up on on my weeklys, with the exception of House, and Criminal Minds (there's something safer about watching C.M. when I'm safe and sound in Canada. Though I must say this is a place that I could see myself living at some point in my life.

For now, I'm getting sleepy, so I'm gonna sign off... but that's my story for the time being.
Up and down, happy and sad. Disappointed, slightly broke (and very bitter about my friend's money situation and the way he's been complaining about it) ... he *may* make it home. I'm not trying to get us seats side by side on the plane though. lol

~Agenor

Rambles in the Rainy Desert

It's raining again in the desert. It seems like since I've been here, it's done an awful lot of raining. It's usually at night which is nice, and it's peaceful.

I'm lonely as all sin, and looking for cures to that loneliness anywhere I can find them.
Renting a car,
spending copious amounts of money shopping, buying things I either don't need, or think I need, but could probably do without for a while, or could just simply cut back on some of the things I am buying.
I'm doing okay

I'm crashing here and there.
Today it was Emily.
and Tatianna.
But mostly Emily.

A lifetime away. Two different people, and here we are, in love and yet not. Not in a million. Never could have happened.
I'm beyond happy for her, and my stance has changed on gay marriages.
I support Gay Marriages.
I support equal marriages.
I support: MARRIAGE.

I want the rain to change the way I feel.
I want to have been writing this whole time.
I want to shout out and yell how happy I am to be in crush.
I want to push people out of the way, and be the first in line.
I want to wake up happy.

It's a crazy space, the one my heart occupies.
Loving and hurting, and chained.

Stronger than I think.
I"m tired of carrying the weight.
I'm tired of trying to make it better
and I"m exhausted by the way that my room is the safest place for me.
I miss life.

i miss buddy.
i'm ready to go home.
but i'm also so ready to have this date, if it happens.
What will come of it? 3500km away?

 A visit with my uncle, and a trip to vegas,
i wish i could be more coherant, i have so much to say.

~Agenor

One Step at a time in Arizona

I'd never admit it to my mom, but I'm getting homesick.
I've been in Arizona for a while now. ALMOST a month, and I'm missing the little things of home. I'm missing my room, (which my Dad tells me he's been working on repairing) -I hope to GOD he puts MOST of my stuff back, because going home to a mess stresses me out more than ALMOST anything- I miss my Buddy. Apparently the little guy misses me, and I couldn't agree more with that sentiment. I Miss Rolaids. That being said I haven't LOOKED for Rolaids here.

I slept on my side last night and the pain woke me up. Something I haven't experienced for a while. It's the pain on my HIP that woke me, and it's the way I was sleeping, but I woke up in a Tizzy, thinking I was losing the flap. It's a major concern. The girls at the office are often teasing me about it, because I'm so worried, but I realize it's perfectly natural: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Castration_anxiety
I remember reading that before surgery and not thinking much of it, but since surgery, I find myself checking constantly to make sure: it's not falling off, it's warm, it has good circulation... and I'm happy to report: so far everything is looking good.

The delay was a piece of cake. The crush was in the room, she was helping Meltzer, and the other Canadian was there too, Monica. She's a riot. The gave me 10mg of Valium so I wasn't feeling much in my head, but thankfully I was able to keep my mouth shut. IF I remember correctly I spent a lot of the time explaining the "Mavor/Meg Ryan Story" to the team. Talking about City of Angels, and other such MANLY movies. *sigh*

You know, I think women can appreciate that, a guy who likes chick flicks... I'm just glad that I really don't stress over it.

It's 6:50am, and I've gotta say this MAY be my favourite time of day! I don't feel like I'm competing to see who can make the most noise, there isn't a radio on, or an obnoxious youtube playlist starting up. I don't have to listen to chatter, it's so strange, but I've been spending SO MUCH time in my head, or fiddling around doing my own thing. Brushing up on my Lady A, and just trying to let things go... but I stress to the max when there's so much noise happening. I'm finding myself turning itunes on before I hop in the shower, I'm trying to drown out his noise with noise of my own, which is completely NOT my style... I don't mind the silence.
I can't multi-task, which is likely why I like the silence, my head is a very busy place, and I'm trying to sort through SOME of the noise... it's been a long road.

I think about how long the road is. The day my parents left I realized I'm a moron. I've started this process, I've fucked with my genitals, they are NOT the same as they were once upon a time. The feeling is different, when I pee, that's different too. I've got a whole lot more going on down there, and I've got MANY MANY MANY more surgeries to get though. Now, that being said, with exception of SOME Of the pain, (which the pain killers have successfully killed) I think this surgery has pretty much been a piece of cake. It's funny with EACH visit to the office I feel a little better.
Once "that" stitch was removed, I felt 100% better, and when I became uncomfortable again, or realized that the stitch wasn't my only discomfort, they took the piss bag away, and that was nice. (distractions don't hurt either) After that my piss tube came out two days later, and now: I've bid adieu to the JP drain and my phallus is starting to be released, soon enough it will be a distant memory of how it was attached to my thigh at all. And like I said, even though I have taken a couple pain killers, the pain really has been manageable.

I'm hoping to get out today. I'm hoping TJ and I are both feeling up to a bit of walking. I think I'll start with a trip to the Barber (just across the road). I really think a hairs cut will help me feel a little cleaner. From there I wouldn't mind finding a pair of track pants that I can get away with wearing out and about (all I brought were pj trackers, cause I didn't think I'd need them) -the weather has been unseasonably chilly this past week, it looks like it *might* start getting warmer, but I'm not 100% sure.

We're talking about heading to VEGAS! TJ wants to see the Grand Canyon, and Benny and I have already done that, but what I haven't done is Vegas, and the rooms (during the week) are dirt cheap! *I'm talking LESS than the Arkona... you know the hooker room* We're planning on heading up there for the 14th, 15th and coming home the 16th. Gives me a little time to get my shit together. Renting a car should cost me just under $400. That's from the 14th till the 25th (when we depart). I'm figuring that's more reasonable considering for JUST the 14th -17th they want almost $300.
I'm glad I Made the reservation when I did. NOW they want over $600.

Manulife got straightened out, I *want* to call discrimination on that bitch's ass, but what does it prove? At this point, as long as there's money in my bank account by Friday, I can't really  bitch too much, but she was rude as shit, and I AM in Arizona RECOVERING from major surgery, and they DO get my premiums, so maybe she could turn SOME of her "mega bitch" off for a moment, when she calls me. Oh well.

It's been nice to get some of this stuff out of my head, and onto the screen. This is pretty much all the writing I have done. I'm a little disappointed by that, but I suppose with as little emotion as I have had throughout this process, this is my brains way of keeping my shit together, and maybe writing more, or looking at "the book" would be far more than I can handle at this time.

Things I want to work on Immediately/Today:
-eating better (getting groceries)
-buying track pants and a pair of jeans (possibly a cowboy hat and a pair of boots... not cowboy boots tho)
-hairs cut
-a little bit of exercise, I was doing so well and losing weight, but this last week in bed, has really taken a toll on my belly.

(and that list doesn't look un-manageable.... one step at a time... just like everything else, in Arizona)

~Agenor