I'd never admit it to my mom, but I'm getting homesick.
I've been in Arizona for a while now. ALMOST a month, and I'm missing the little things of home. I'm missing my room, (which my Dad tells me he's been working on repairing) -I hope to GOD he puts MOST of my stuff back, because going home to a mess stresses me out more than ALMOST anything- I miss my Buddy. Apparently the little guy misses me, and I couldn't agree more with that sentiment. I Miss Rolaids. That being said I haven't LOOKED for Rolaids here.
I slept on my side last night and the pain woke me up. Something I haven't experienced for a while. It's the pain on my HIP that woke me, and it's the way I was sleeping, but I woke up in a Tizzy, thinking I was losing the flap. It's a major concern. The girls at the office are often teasing me about it, because I'm so worried, but I realize it's perfectly natural: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Castration_anxiety
I remember reading that before surgery and not thinking much of it, but since surgery, I find myself checking constantly to make sure: it's not falling off, it's warm, it has good circulation... and I'm happy to report: so far everything is looking good.
The delay was a piece of cake. The crush was in the room, she was helping Meltzer, and the other Canadian was there too, Monica. She's a riot. The gave me 10mg of Valium so I wasn't feeling much in my head, but thankfully I was able to keep my mouth shut. IF I remember correctly I spent a lot of the time explaining the "Mavor/Meg Ryan Story" to the team. Talking about City of Angels, and other such MANLY movies. *sigh*
You know, I think women can appreciate that, a guy who likes chick flicks... I'm just glad that I really don't stress over it.
It's 6:50am, and I've gotta say this MAY be my favourite time of day! I don't feel like I'm competing to see who can make the most noise, there isn't a radio on, or an obnoxious youtube playlist starting up. I don't have to listen to chatter, it's so strange, but I've been spending SO MUCH time in my head, or fiddling around doing my own thing. Brushing up on my Lady A, and just trying to let things go... but I stress to the max when there's so much noise happening. I'm finding myself turning itunes on before I hop in the shower, I'm trying to drown out his noise with noise of my own, which is completely NOT my style... I don't mind the silence.
I can't multi-task, which is likely why I like the silence, my head is a very busy place, and I'm trying to sort through SOME of the noise... it's been a long road.
I think about how long the road is. The day my parents left I realized I'm a moron. I've started this process, I've fucked with my genitals, they are NOT the same as they were once upon a time. The feeling is different, when I pee, that's different too. I've got a whole lot more going on down there, and I've got MANY MANY MANY more surgeries to get though. Now, that being said, with exception of SOME Of the pain, (which the pain killers have successfully killed) I think this surgery has pretty much been a piece of cake. It's funny with EACH visit to the office I feel a little better.
Once "that" stitch was removed, I felt 100% better, and when I became uncomfortable again, or realized that the stitch wasn't my only discomfort, they took the piss bag away, and that was nice. (distractions don't hurt either) After that my piss tube came out two days later, and now: I've bid adieu to the JP drain and my phallus is starting to be released, soon enough it will be a distant memory of how it was attached to my thigh at all. And like I said, even though I have taken a couple pain killers, the pain really has been manageable.
I'm hoping to get out today. I'm hoping TJ and I are both feeling up to a bit of walking. I think I'll start with a trip to the Barber (just across the road). I really think a hairs cut will help me feel a little cleaner. From there I wouldn't mind finding a pair of track pants that I can get away with wearing out and about (all I brought were pj trackers, cause I didn't think I'd need them) -the weather has been unseasonably chilly this past week, it looks like it *might* start getting warmer, but I'm not 100% sure.
We're talking about heading to VEGAS! TJ wants to see the Grand Canyon, and Benny and I have already done that, but what I haven't done is Vegas, and the rooms (during the week) are dirt cheap! *I'm talking LESS than the Arkona... you know the hooker room* We're planning on heading up there for the 14th, 15th and coming home the 16th. Gives me a little time to get my shit together. Renting a car should cost me just under $400. That's from the 14th till the 25th (when we depart). I'm figuring that's more reasonable considering for JUST the 14th -17th they want almost $300.
I'm glad I Made the reservation when I did. NOW they want over $600.
Manulife got straightened out, I *want* to call discrimination on that bitch's ass, but what does it prove? At this point, as long as there's money in my bank account by Friday, I can't really bitch too much, but she was rude as shit, and I AM in Arizona RECOVERING from major surgery, and they DO get my premiums, so maybe she could turn SOME of her "mega bitch" off for a moment, when she calls me. Oh well.
It's been nice to get some of this stuff out of my head, and onto the screen. This is pretty much all the writing I have done. I'm a little disappointed by that, but I suppose with as little emotion as I have had throughout this process, this is my brains way of keeping my shit together, and maybe writing more, or looking at "the book" would be far more than I can handle at this time.
Things I want to work on Immediately/Today:
-eating better (getting groceries)
-buying track pants and a pair of jeans (possibly a cowboy hat and a pair of boots... not cowboy boots tho)
-hairs cut
-a little bit of exercise, I was doing so well and losing weight, but this last week in bed, has really taken a toll on my belly.
(and that list doesn't look un-manageable.... one step at a time... just like everything else, in Arizona)
~Agenor
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