I am exhausted. I've spent a little (not enough) time writing in my locked blog. I know, I know, I wanted to do less censoring and more writing, but situations, and circumstances change, and there you have it.
It's early morning (2:30am) in Arizona, and I'm writing away. I'm feeling so many feelings, that I wanted to try to capture a couple.
First and foremost I can't believe how successful the surgical aspect of my surgery has been. SO far everything is going great, and tomorrow I have my second delay of three. I'll have a little more swing, things will feel a little different, and I'll have a little bit of time to get re-acquainted with my body. That being said I'm going home in 3 sleeps (when I get there). I can't believe how quickly time has gone by. I feel cheated. I really do. But I'm not sure how I'd feel had circumstances been any different. I had really great company for the first two weeks of my stay here in Arizona, my Mom, Dad and Matt for the first week, and Benny for the second. My truth is, that ever since Princess got here, my mental health has deteriorated, and I've been slipping. There has been NO support. Infact, this morning as I was cleaning the kitchen I realized, that YES, he's been doing all the dishes, but that's really the only chore he's done. I've done all the cleaning, and sweeping and it's been impossible for me to keep the condo clean. I find it hypocritical at best for him to complain so much about the state of his apartment, and the lack of help that he receives, when he's unable to assist me (while I am recovering from major surgery).
He clearly missed an important memo, and while I don't want to end our friendship, I think we will both be taking a step back and reevaluating. His behaviour has been less than acceptable. This is both disappointing AND frustrating. I spent a lot of money to come down here, and have a nice place, so that he could spend time here, and had it been me and a couple friends for a couple weeks, and I'd have been spending the majority of the time alone, the cost would have been significantly lower, very disappointed.
Aside from that I'm sad that the time is up, and I'm leaving my new home. I've spent 6 weeks here. The weather has been cooler than usual for this time of year, but still totally acceptable. I've enjoyed walking outside in my shorts, in the evening and feeling the fresh, but not brisk, air on my legs. I've enjoyed walking through the outdoor mall at Tempe Marketplace daydreaming.
I have to say that things were much more manageable for me when I was daydreaming. Things changed abruptly at the doctor's office, and I was left disappointed and slightly heartbroken, but after all I suspect that's the role of a crush. to leave you feeling a little crushed after the fact.
For the most part I'm doing really well. Everything is still in one piece. My body is healing well, my mind is staying together remarkably well considering, and while when I get home, I'll have a friendship that needs repair, that will be the last thing on my to-do list, for a little while.
I'm looking forward to being home and having some time that is simply ALL about me. I haven't had that yet.
Honestly, I feel like *almost* from day one.
I know i'm a tough guy, and i know that i'll get through it. I'm looking forward to continuing connections with new friends that I've made, and the new support systems that I've gained over here. and possibly with a new friend (but likely not... because that's what crushes do... they crush you... lol)
I can tell you that I've watched more Army Wives than I ever planned on watching, and I'm loving the show. Caught up on on my weeklys, with the exception of House, and Criminal Minds (there's something safer about watching C.M. when I'm safe and sound in Canada. Though I must say this is a place that I could see myself living at some point in my life.
For now, I'm getting sleepy, so I'm gonna sign off... but that's my story for the time being.
Up and down, happy and sad. Disappointed, slightly broke (and very bitter about my friend's money situation and the way he's been complaining about it) ... he *may* make it home. I'm not trying to get us seats side by side on the plane though. lol
~Agenor
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