I should be focusing on my upcoming surgery. Three weeks from today is the big day. The life changing, and yet not so changing day. The moment I've waited for since I was five years old and realized the subtle difference between boys and girls. This thing I've wanted in my pants for so long. In this moment: my truth is that I'm treating this as a vacation. My truth is that I haven't yet had a chance to sit down, and actually ponder the gigantic nature of this surgery, and this trip.
When I really stop to think about it, my eyes well up and I start to think back to when I first started this journey. I think about Courtney, and driving to 333 to do my shots. I think about the conversations I had, about being a boy, but not being able to verbalize my feelings. I think about the conversations long ago with my late grandmother, and I wonder if there's any truth to an idea that an old "friend" brought to the table a couple weeks ago.
This is my life. This isn't a fad, this isn't a whim, this isn't a chance I'm taking. And yet, in so many ways, I have no idea what I am doing. I could live like this forever. I'd never know what it'd be like to pee standing up (properly) or what it's like to finally make love to a partner without something FAKE between her and I... I'd never know, but then I don't know what I'm missing right?
I'm struggling a little with "the devil i know" syndrome. I will get through this.
There have been bumps. I was off work for 8 weeks with migraine problems, and my doctor didn't fill out the paperwork properly so I've only received insurance payments for the FIRST week I was off. In the meantime I have booked a condo that cost me $2800, and a flight that was $350. No I don't have any money, and YES I am grateful for the temporary financial support that my parents have given me in the past 24 hours.
These business bumps, have given me an excuse to NOT focus on the medical, physical, emotional changes/challenges that I'm about to embark on.
Somewhere inside of me: I AM FREAKING OUT.
I'm angry at Tat. I shouldn't be doing this alone. I'm angrier at myself for being angry at her. Tonight, I composed the email in my head. The email that tells her that I will never forgive her for leaving the way that she did, or for turning into the person that she did. It was beautiful and hurtful and down to the point, and I think, that if I ever sent it, I'd be setting myself up for big trouble.
I hate this place. Here's where it is: (for the curious readers)
I love her, with all of my heart. (it's romantic isn't it? in a sick pathetic way... Romance at its highest.) I hate her with everything I have. Which is only possible because I love her. But I WILL NEVER trust her again. Which means that somehow I have to keep waiting this thing out. Waiting for the hate to overcome the love until there's nothing left of either. I'd like to be indifferent. I'm not. I wonder if sending this email will help me or hurt me. I know that it's been said "when you're really ready to write the email you won't want to anymore" and I know the fact that I'm still thinking about it, says more about me than it does about her. I know what it says. I'm not a stupid boy. Also: it wouldn't hurt to remind myself a couple more times, that if she hadn't have been such a huge loser, than I likely wouldn't be gearing up for this surgery. I hate myself a little for feeling the way that I do.
So there's that.
There's also the other stuff happening in my life:
I've made it through a work week, and I worked a day of overtime! ("yay" cries my paycheck on Thursday! "yay!") This weekend coming up, is Sheller's birthday Ball. I'm sincerely debating whether I will work the mandatory overtime, or I will call in. My attendance is bad already, and one more day isn't going to make a difference in the least. On the other hand, I'm hurting my attendance, and I could use the "extra" money (haha extra money) to pay for bills coming up. I don't think it's unfair to think that it would be a perfectly acceptable excuse to miss this event for mandatory overtime. I think it would completely bastard-ous of me, if I were to SIGN UP for overtime, but if it's mandated, that's where I'm going to have a tricky time, making a decision.
I built shit. Yeah I did!
J asked me to help her build her bed, and I did, and it was awesome. The whole evening was perfect. the only thing that would have made it better, would have been if neither of us had to work Monday morning, and we could have spent the day in bed. (you know the bed I built) :p
I enjoyed being her "handyman" and it was a nice challenge for me, as I'm not the handiest. While it did take probably 2.5 hours longer than it would have taken my Dad, I did get it built with no major issues (minus the lack of tools problem) Note to self: invest in a multi-purpose screwdriver and leave it in the truck. Maybe a little tool kit wouldn't be the worst investment. :)
I love my truck, but Stanley is very very dirty. This week he MUST get cleaned out.
Tomorrow morning at 10:15 is my doctor's appointment, my work wife has an appointment at 10:45, we're having lunch afterwards, my work wife, and her boyfriend. :) yay
lol
I'm looking forward to meeting the lucky guy, and perhaps sharing a laugh or two with my work buddy :)
On that note, I should likely try for bed.
To recap:
Flights are booked
Condo is booked (cheq is in the mail)
Dr appointment in AM will hopefully produce some results from insurance company
surgery is in less than three weeks
work is going well
i am doing okay
~Agenor
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