I've been going crazy, or as crazy as I'm allowing myself to go. In my last helpless post, I made mention that my migraines are overshadowing something very VERY important, and that's true... My migraines are overshadowing the fact that in 35 days I'll be IN Arizona, and either BE, or be going Under the knife. My emotions range from over the moon excited, to completely and utterly disappointed in myself. I have not lost ANY weight, in fact, yet again, I'm back at my highest weight of life, and I'm so disappointed. I have enough time to lose the weight that I already lost, and perhaps, since I have some time off work I can get it done in a little quicker manner, by going to the gym, and possibly building some muscle (which burns the fat) I can hope, and pray and work really hard towards that. Again, completely disappointed in myself.
I haven't saved nearly enough money, and I haven't been working (and there isn't any real plan to go back to work before I leave) which renders me entirely broke, and a little stressing about money. I don't have any bonds, or savings, I don't have anywhere to look for money, and when I talked to my mom about money, her response is "we can't help you, you're doing this one on your own." I'm not sure if she's stupid, or just broke herself (I'm leaning towards the first one, since they're going on a cruise in March, and she continues to go to Bingo 8 days a week). The only reason I would ever suggest her stupidity in this matter (because she's not stupid for not helping me financially, as my parents already do so much for me, that they don't have to) -she reminds me of this *headdesk* is that I wonder if NOW is the most appropriate time to try to teach me responsibility, and money management. is NOW really the best time to decide to cut me off? Right now? Right before I have the biggest surgery of my life, the most important surgery of my life... this day will likely be more important to me than my fucking wedding day, and NOW is when she decides that she doesn't have any more money to lend to me?
The trouble I have, is that I pay my bills, and I do work hard (when I'm not ill, and I'm able to work) and I go to work, when I can, and all that fun stuff, and while yes, they DO VERY MUCH have their necks out far far far for me (I'm totally sounding like an ungrateful dick) I do consistently keep up with my obligations and responsibilities. The problem I have, is every now and then Ron and Jen get stuck and mom opens her pocket book for them, and there's no payback. So I *almost* feel like I'm being punished, while I am working hard to pay back the monies that I owe her... I hate my mom and money together in the same sentence, it's exhausting to say the very least.
She has no idea how redick she sounds, either, when she says things around a campfire like "Oh, well we'll have to see, we certainly won't be able to pick you up in Detroit, that's a lot to ask, ect, ect." I do kind of feel like she's sabotaging this whole thing. And while she's saying those things around a fire, with other people, who aren't in our immediate family, she's making herself look like a tool.
We have our moments, I know right now I'm just having more of them, because I'm home, and Momzilla, has a tiny asian (that'd be me) to kick around while I'm off... I know she's stressed, I don't blame her, but she handles it like crap.
I'm the kid, by the way. I'm not the adult, I'm not supposed to be her support network, she is supposed to be a part of mine.
I'm more and more so thankful for my friends.
I've got a list of shit to do this week, and I'm looking forward to getting on that. I'm slightly concerned about what happens with my work, and insurance, with regards to my sick pay, so I'm hoping to get some answers tomorrow... I'm also hoping that my migraines stay at bay so that I maybe can get a couple shifts in at work.
I do realize I spent this entire post bitching about my mom, part of me is a little sorry that I wasted my time doing that, but apparently I needed to vent, and what better place...
Perhaps it's bed time?
~Agenor
Don't ever think that you won't be able to find a ride to and from the airport. You have too many friends and family that care about you that would make sure you have transpiration. That is such a minor worry anyways (which I’m sure you already realize). This IS the biggest time of your life and sometimes under these types of critical/stressful situations people (your support system) will show their true colours. Time will only tell which people in your life are truly supportive and considerate and which ones aren’t. Try not to beat yourself up over the disappointments of things you haven’t accomplished. Let’s not forget that making it to this point is a MAJOR accomplishment in itself regardless of the state of your weight and bank account (which I also understand is imperative). Being positive and getting into the right mindset leading up to the big day is crucial and that is what is important.
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